Shadow Man
by Kaeru Shisho
Summary: Hardly more than a shadow himself, Trowa glimpses the shade cast across the concrete of another young man, who is about to make a fatal mistake. This story takes place in a universe more like ours today, where the colonies exist, but not in space, and where the world is on the cusp of change. Trowa x Heero, Duo X Quatre, Wufei X Catherine
1. Chapter 1

**Shadow Man**

Summary: Hardly more than a shadow himself, Trowa glimpses the shade cast across the concrete of another young man, who is about to make a fatal mistake.

A/N: This story takes place in a universe more like ours today, where the colonies exist, but not in space, and where the world is on the cusp of change.

"_If you can't answer a man's arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names."- Elbert Hubbard (American editor, publisher and writer, 1856-1915)_

Chapter 1

I felt good about one thing: the school year was more than half over. If I was lucky I would escape the confines of this prison, this school, and become a pilot in the war. Flying felt like the most exciting thing I could ever do. It was something to hope for. Other than that, life sucked.

School had been better when they'd left things alone, left us circus folk segregated in our own trade schools. Who cared if it wasn't up to "standards"? Wasn't like any of us were going anywhere outside the circus or the armed forces.

But the all-mighty officials in the Sanc government "mainstreamed" us to "afford us more equal opportunities". Yeah, right. Who believed that crap? The big shots in Sanc wanted us to lose our culture and become "assimilated".

Well, fuck'em all.

I was staying circus-true, even if that kept me an outcast. Wasn't as if I could hide the fact of who I was. Special buses lined up to take us to the other side of town, where the circus community lived and worked. All us kids had to parade to the far end of the campus to where the "freak fleet" lined up. If I took the short route across the front of the school, then I'd be subjected to the jeers of my classmates. Bullying was frowned upon, but how could they stop the name calling?

"Freak geeks!"

"Freakaziods!"

"Circus fags!"

Well, the last one was literally correct, in my case, but… hey. I recognized that name-calling signaled inequality, like you'd call a dog or put a servant in his place, and was tired of it. Didn't the politicians know how much better it was to feel part of a group, being accepted, being at home, than to be forced by peer pressure to fit in or endure the put downs if you didn't?

It was plain stupid to bus us to town and expect everyone to "just get along."

I learned to avoid the gauntlet to the buses; instead, I'd take the tour of the outer gymnasium, past the temporary buildings brought in to "absorb" the onslaught of new circus students, the back of the auditorium, and, from the line of garbage bins at the service door, the kitchen entrance to the cafeteria. From there it was only a matter of cutting across a corner of the soccer field to the gate— a little-known gap in the chain-link fence, which barricaded the students from the surrounding neighborhood. From my own checks of the perimeter, I'd seen the Special Ed kids ushered out of the school quietly this way. They got mainstreamed too. I wondered how they felt about it; if they felt special in their wheelchairs and tutors and trained staff.

I wasn't in any particular hurry. If there'd been any balls out, I would have liked to shoot some hoops, but there rarely were. Everything had been put away in its place. A place for everything and everything in its place. Especially the students.

I kicked a rock, aiming for a pole from an old hoop. I always hit it. I was good at sports. Very fit. I was a fucking acrobat and had been for five fucking years, for fucks'sake! Never asked to join a team though. Fancy that? The whole integration thing was a total farce.

I checked my watch, slowing my steps as I did so. No reason to rush. Nothing urgent waiting for me at the caravan tonight. Slinging my book bag to an arm let the sun's rays reach and warm my back. If I missed the school bus, I could walk a block and catch the city bus, so I took my time to enjoy the quiet and the sun. Inside, buildings radiated artificial illumination and hostility towards just about anyone who dared be an individual.

I actually blended in pretty well. I wore the uniform of most guys my age: white t-shirt and blue jeans with a black hoodie, regardless of temperature. I hid half my face behind a fall of light brown hair, like most of the skater-types, making it hard for others to get a good look at me.

I wasn't that memorable anyway. Here.

Under the big top flying high of the aerial trapeze was another me altogether, but away from the circus, I went for a low profile.

Not like that dude I'd seen playing soccer off the bench. His long braid attracted trouble like a magnet, but he could fight, and did, and his irreverence and funny remarks won him a kind of respectability. He'd said "hi" to me a couple times and I'd nodded back. I guess you could say we'd made a lateral connection, such as it was.

I didn't have many friends and none of them went to this school. There wasn't much room, what with the chip on my shoulder taking up too much space. I had a cool sister and a best friend at the circus, and plenty of friendly associates. What would make me happy, I'd decided, was a boyfriend. Fat chance of that happening anytime soon.

Maybe I'd meet a flyboy who'd like me? I could dream and I did of pilot training.

On the pavement a shadow flit; that's what it looked like. Bigger than a bird.

I looked up and studied the roof lines of the building. There! A man on the building.

Shadow man.

I got a better look and recognized a dude in my class named Heron Lowe—Heron, like the bird.

"Hey!" I shouted, wanting to know what he thought he was doing up there and wanting, especially, to know how he got up there so I too could do that as a means of escape sometime.

He ignored me for the most part, circling around without losing speed, backing up to the furthest corner of the temp roof. Then he took off across the roof.

Where was he going? Was he going to attempt a leap to the cafeteria rooftop? He'd never make it.

"Stop!" I shouted. "Too high!"

It was impossible to jump that far out _and up_. Physics could prove it. I knew it from my acrobatic work. Impossible. He'd miss.

The runner missed a step to look for me, the source of the voice, and started circling the roof again. I don't know if he saw me or not, but I was hoping he'd come down and we could talk or something. Mostly, I felt good that he'd stopped his fool jumping.

But _was_ he stopping?

No! He was getting up a head of steam, running faster!

"No! It's impossible!" But my shouting earned me a sore throat and nothing else.

He was going for the jump. Talk about a leap of faith! You'd only attempt this one if you had a death wish. I was running to get beneath him. If I could break his fall, he might live to thank me over a mess of broken bones, mine too.

I seemed mired in some time warp, moving in slo-mo, while he sailed through the air at light speed. He even arced up, until the force of gravity grew greater than that of his jump.

I could see it on his face. That moment of realization when he could see he wasn't going to reach the other roof. A smile turned horrible, his arms and legs scrabbled for hard surfaces to climb and alter his downward course.

I heard the awful thump when he hit the asphalt. He lay face down. His limbs might have cushioned a bit of his fall and now rested at odd angles. I didn't even check for breathing. He was either dead or nearly, falling from so high up there.

I called 911. "Hurry! A kid fell off the school roof. Back of the cafeteria. I don't _know_! Get help here _fast_ if you want to help him!"

_Idiots. Did I know him? What_ difference did that make? He fell off a fucking _roof_! What was my name? What did that matter at a time like that? If I was a criminal, would I tell them? Fuckin' idiots!

I got my act together and knelt next to the guy's head. Blood seeped from some wound I couldn't see. I did my best not to move him, in case he'd broken his neck, while I slipped a handkerchief underneath. He was, miraculously, still breathing, though I wondered how that was possible with as many broken ribs as he must have had.

No one in their right mind would have attempted that jump. He'd heard my warning, I was sure, and done it anyway, so, he either was a mental case, a stupid dare-devil, or he'd done it on purpose. Heron Lowe had always seems serious and solid; he didn't fit any of those descriptions, unless there was more to him than met the eye.

I jogged over to the nearest building and called out for help. I ran to the other side and called, but no one was around. I hadn't thought I'd been watching him jump for that long, but I guess I had. I dunno. I was spinning inside, not knowing what more I could do.

I could call his home, if I knew the number.

He was still breathing when I sat by his side again. "Hey," I said to him, "what's that in your hand? That a note?"

A clue to why he jumped, maybe?

I tugged the rolled up paper out of his fist and flattened it on a knee. First thing I checked was the signature. "ZM". That had to be Zechs Merquise. Heron was dating his younger half-sister; I was aware of that. So, the note was private and I wasn't a snoop, which meant I stopped reading and folded it into a neat rectangle. I aimed to shove it into a pocket, and when I touched his jeans, his cell phone buzzed.

_Fuck!_ I nearly jumped a foot.

The phone sounded again, and in the far distance I could just now hear sirens.

The phone was in his jacket pocket. It was a wonder it hadn't broken. I took it out and considered a moment if I should answer it. The caller ID read "Home." That was his dad or guardian or whatever. Was he that late getting back? Nice that someone cared.

That all went through my mind in a flash. I'd thought of calling his home anyway, so I took the call. Before I could say, "hi", a loud, angry man's voice shouted at me, thinking I was Heron, of course.

"_You're late again and you ain't got practice. You better not be screwing the team, 'cause you're my buttboy! Getcher ass home. No excuses!"_

_Jesus! _I about threw the phone into the garbage. Some stranger yelling at me like that and a kid dying at my feet?! My hands shook. I wanted to get outta there so bad, put more distance between me and that voice.

Abused? I'd had no clue he was so messed up. He was one of the school leaders. One of the guys that set the standards. One of the ones that shut me out.

The sirens ripped through the neighborhood. They were close.

"Hold on, dude," I told him.

As to why he jumped, I had to assume he wasn't okay with being a cool dude at school, while being treated like shit at home, so I went with suicidal.

I took my own leap of faith then and decided he wouldn't want to wake up, if he had a choice, to find himself having to face the demons or whatever he was trying to run away from. Anyway, that's my excuse for some of the things I did next.

I kept his cell phone, pocketing it as the first EM vehicle bounded over the curb and bounced across the broken drive, and then I grabbed his wallet.

"Hey! Over here!" I stood and waved.

"Move away," one medic barked.

"What happened?" someone asked me.

"Who are you?" another asked.

All the while they were hooking Heron up to lines and securing his head to a board, getting a gurney flat to the ground.

"Do you have ID?" one of the medics asked me.

"Ye-ah." My voice came out in a waver. Try as I did, I couldn't keep the fear out of it. "Just a sec… I got his wallet here…picked it up when it, ah, fell out."

I moved on semi-automatic, doing my card tricks, switching out Heron's ID with my circus one, burying Heron's photo ID deeper into my wallet. I made a point of not hiding my hand tremors, real ones from the shock, using it as a distraction to make the slight-of-hand work.

"H-here it is- mine," I said, showing my "Trowa Barton" official Sanc Reserve High School ID – with picture. "I got his wallet here."

The medic gave my ID a cursory glance, a mumbled acknowledgement of my district, "circus," and then filed through Heron's wallet. "No driver's license here either—" He pulled out my "Triton Bloom" nom-de-circus ID—with no picture. "Triton Bloom, it says here. Circus kid."

"Better take him to their hospital, then."

The circus hospital was further away; I hoped he wouldn't die because of that. I'd be responsible for letting him die. I brushed a line of tears away.

I had to be there to make sure he got through the ID checks there, too.

"He's my cousin and I've missed the buses, can I catch a ride?" That was a lot of words; I hoped it'd do the trick. I wasn't big on talking; I let my body do the communicating. Words got you into trouble. I found the more you said, the less people listened anyway.

I put my circus training to good use. I looked pathetic and sniffed.

"Yeah, sure, kid. Climb aboard."

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 2**

The reality of the situation started to soak in during the ambulance ride. I kept seeing his shadow then his fall replaying in an endless loop. Now I was sneaking into the circus sector, my world. His falling…

Good thing no one talked to me. I didn't know what I might blurt out with. I'd been forgotten. The rescue team concentrated on Heron, continuing to treat him as we sped through town, sirens blaring.

I must have made a sound or something, because one of the guys looked my way and tried explaining what they were doing. "This is to unblock his airways and assist his breathing. He might have broken ribs, collar bone. We're trying to keep his blood circulating despite internal damage and stabilize him."

"Oh." Fuck, he looked awful and I looked away, anyplace but at the limp body. I felt numb. The rocking action put me in sleep-mode, only to be jerked awake when the van stopped moving.

"We're here. It's up to the hospital personnel to take over once we get him out."

I sprung from the door like I'd been freed from jail. _What the hell was I doing,_ I wondered? In the next heartbeat I was thinking how it was too late to question what I'd done. I had to go forward as best I could.

I had his wallet, phone, they gave me his keys and watch, the folded note from his hand was mine, too, now. I carried his backpack and my bag. It was like being two people at once.

Getting Heron past security wasn't the trick, the EM crew took care of that with the forms they'd filled out. I, however, couldn't go in using his name, not without the circus ID.

I fumbled for my wallet.

"He's a relative," the rescue guy called out and pointed at me. "We already ID'd him."

That gave me time to once again gather my pieces and use some slight-of-hand. I showed them two half cards with my thumb covering the seam, the circus logo visible, and the Trowa Barton name on top. The lighting was poor and the ID check was a token gesture after basically being flagged through by the crew.

Inside, I started feeling better. I'd gotten Heron away from a dangerous family situation and into a hospital- and I'd gotten away with it. I didn't even think to process any other scenario, like I'd been wrong about the call from home. I felt elated and adrenalin pumped.

Elation is overrated. Mine lasted about as long as it did with palm-sex.

I was not prepared for the chaos at the emergency room. The ER team looked like a swarm of bees. Doctors and nurses buzzed everywhere and everyone seemed to be talking all at once. As I studied the activity, though, I spotted a method to the chaos; each person had a task, and they worked together to take care of the patient.

"Hey, you! Kid?"

My entire body tingled. I'd been found out!

The security man blocked my way. "That's for EM personnel only." He gestured over his shoulder with a thumb toward another door. "Waiting room's thataway."

_Was that all?!_ I shivered with the sudden loss of tension. "Oh," I mumbled. "Yeah, right." _What a relief!_

I collapsed into an empty chair. They were all empty. I picked one on the end and loaded the next one with the bags I'd been carrying. Folks got hurt in the circus, but this was my first time waiting for someone.

Waiting.

I was feeling really overwhelmed just by being at the ER and facing the uncertainty of what was going to happen. I wasn't going to be given access to Heron, that much was obvious, and even more unsettling. If he woke up and started talking? What then? He was hurt pretty bad, though. He might not be really with it. I didn't know fuckall, so, I prepared to wait without much information.

The waiting room was void of music or a TV or other people. With nothing to distract me, I relived my vivid memories of every second of the shadow reaching for the retreating roof and falling into a broken heap. I wondered if he had wanted to die in his final few seconds. There seemed to have been a desperate attempt to reach the roof there at the end, or I had imagined that? The sounds of his body hitting the ground ultimately punched home the reality.

A pile of magazines lay scattered across a small side table. The magazine on top looked the least dog-eared. On the cover was a mixed bag of photos featuring the great peace icon, Heero Yuy, and the title "Ten years later: Remembering a leader in peace". The issue was dated back to six months ago, which meant the others were ancient.

Guessing how old the reading material was kept me busy for a while. Then I started thinking about the war. Most of the guys my age and older had left the circus and signed up to fight, that's why I had so few friends left. The girls stayed on and the clowns.

I thought back to one tie when me and bunch of friends, some younger, skipped school and ran off to enlist. I was still in line when my sister stormed up, yelling at us and the recruitment officers. She had even brought papers to prove many of us were underage.

Fuck! I was so embarrassed! I had really hated her for that.

The next day, the others went back, joined up and were carted off. I hadn't been invited along. I wondered how many of them were still alive? I was. If I hadn't been, then that guy in the ER wouldn't be alive, probably. I should have been happy about that, but I was still mad at my sister.

Hurt.

And now I'd hurt her back for sure, bringing him here under a false name, my name.

"Triton!"

Oh, no, Catherine! My sister! Guilt lent me strength; I jumped to my feet in a heartbeat.

"God! You're okay! You ARE okay, right?" She hugged me hard then pushed me away to look me over.

I should have known someone here would have notified her when "Triton Bloom" was admitted!

"I'm fine, really." I convinced her to let go and sit.

She smeared a hand across her eyes. Tears for me. My raw throat tightened and my stomach twisted up and ached.

"It's a guy in there." I dropped my voice so no one but Catherine could hear what I had to say. "I was there when he jumped… and fell." It was hard to explain what I'd seen and what I'd done next. "I switched ID's so he could come here."

Now that she wasn't panicking for my safety, Catherine switched to angry. "I could kill you!" she said, clenching her teeth. "How stupid could you be?"

"Tell me," I goaded her. She would anyway, was my guess.

"You bet I will. Lying to security? Ugh! You make a few rash decisions to 'save' some friend of yours and didn't it occur to you that there would be consequences to breaking the law?"

"I wasn't thinking of _me _at the time."

"-which puts you in a bind, legally, with the circus. How can we pay for his hospitalization? What happens when they find out it's not you?"

"I had to; don't you see?" I explained the phone call I'd taken from his guardian or dad or whoever that was at "home". "I couldn't let that man get to him. I had to protect him and bring him here."

"Gimme that phone," she demanded. "And the ID's."

I handed over the cell and wallet, but not our ID's, I wasn't so entirely in shock not to think about protecting him still.

"What's this?" she asked. Before I could stop her, she was reading the note. "Oh, God! Did you read this?"

"No! It was in _his_ hand. _His._ I put it with his stuff."

"Well, you need to hear this."

"No—"

She read it aloud anyway.

"_We're through, dumbshit. I found a better, richer, classier __**boy-toy**__ (her emphasis, I decided). And so you won't be hiding behind Lena anymore, I've enrolled her someplace where you can't find her. Don't try contacting me or Lena. You know I can make your life miserable there. –ZM"_

Heron and Merquise?! He was _gay_? The phone call and the note seemed to confirm that theory. I'd either heard what I wanted or not, but what I concluded was that Merquise was dropping him for some other dude and moving his sister to a new school so Heron wouldn't be able to hide sexual preference that way. Fuckin' ... No way!

"He's _gay_!" she declared, as if he were some mutant alien.

"So?" If I sounded defensive, it was because I was. "He needed help and I was there."

"But he's _gay_! Just _more_ trouble. You can't expect to become friends with him."

_Get a clue, sis._ "You _know_ that wouldn't matter to me." I muttered this into my hands.

I wasn't a very social person, but I had had a few inept encounters with both girls and guys. I was just getting used to the idea that I was pretty neutral on the girls and rather hot on the guys. Catherine was observant and noted my lack of dating. She'd pointed it out to me once or twice, so she had to _suspect. _

Not that my being gay or his being gay actually accounted for anything as far as getting to know Heron was concerned. He inhabited a world outside of mine, the ruling class at the school. Those guys didn't give the "carnies" or "circus freaks" the time of day. Once he woke up and could get away, he'd leave me pronto.

I felt a dark energy close in around me, an overwhelming sadness and hopelessness. Fucking idiot. I bet the emergency stuff was going to cost me, like Catherine said. I hadn't given that a _thought_. Was it just me? Did anyone think about those things, weigh it all in judgment under life-or death circumstances?

Didn't you just try and save a life?

I must have looked as if I'd suffered enough, because her tone softened a notch. "He's not one of us. Why did you bring him here?"

Now she was repeating herself.

"I just can't understand you. Didn't you think for a second what might happen to you for breaking the law?"

"No, no, **no**! I was thinking of _him_ and his being tortured at home. Even animals get more protection."

I broke down, leaking out my eyes and nose, and she saw I was a mess and took pity on me. Her purse opened and closed, and then she stuffed a packet of tissues into my hand.

"Blow your nose."

I did.

"So what happened to him? Start over. How did he get hurt?"

"He… fell… off the cafeteria roof at school. I don't know what he was doing up there. Kinda a jock. Goofing around, probably." I was not a good liar with Catherine.

"Triton." I felt her eyes studying me, while I stared at the worn magazine covers. "You don't have a… crush on this boy, do you?" The hesitation made the question more of a condemnation.

Fucking hell, God, yes! He was gorgeous! Falling for the fallen was a possibility, but since that sounded ridiculous I chose to simply shake my head "no". "I hardly know him."

"That's a blessing, I guess." She continued to glower at me, maybe trying to _stare _the truth out of me, but I had nothing to give. "So, it was an accident and you called for help. Okay. No matter what, we have to get the name mix-up corrected. You were in shock and mixed up the ID's. All we have to do is find his and hand it over. What did you do with it?"

I didn't remember. I'd blocked that out. "His wallet." It was what I _thought_ I _might_ have done with it.

"No, it's not there. Think again. Check your pockets."

Oh, yeah. That's where I'd stowed it. Now I remembered, but I didn't check. I wasn't turning him in. "If he gets sent to the regular hospital, what do you think that bastard at home will do to him?"

"It's not our business-."

"It's _mine_."

We had a staring contest and I won- one determined eye against two.

"I know I'm going to regret this," she said, sighing. "What have you said so far to the authorities?"

"I just talked to the medics and, oh, yeah, one security guy outside the hospital. I told them we were cousins."

"Cousins? Okay, that can work until he wakes up and starts talking. We'll need a false ID."

"Put his name as … Heero Yuy," I said with a glance to the magazine cover.

"Now that's just plain stupid," she was rifling through her purse. She pulled out a note pad and pen. "That man's famous and dead."

"No, it's not _stupid_. He's Asian, for the most part, and maybe he was named after the guy."

I was in luck. She didn't do the math in her head, calculating the ages and making sense of what I'd said. "All right. We'll go with that. He's a distant cousin, half or step cousin, you just learned of, visiting."

Her eyes concentrated on me again. "You'll have to stay here, you realize? The moment he's aware and talking, you have to fill him in on what you've done and hope to God he's willing to play along. If not, then we're both in more trouble than I want to imagine."

I felt bad now. Before, it was just me. I hadn't cared or even thought about what I was getting into, but now I'd made my sister a partner in crime. And for what? The chance that once Heron understood my motives he'd be grateful for my sticking my nose in where it didn't belong, and then go along with it? _Heero Yuy?_ _Fuck_.

"Yeah, I know. I'll stay. I'll do it!" I said irritably.

"You'd better. Fingers crossed it doesn't take long either because the circus season opens soon and we have tons to do." She stood, reaching for her purse. "I'm going to find Carl and get… Heero… a temporary visitor's ID. Do you have any money?"

What for? "No."

She pushed a few bills into my hands. "Eat. See if you can catch some sleep now, while it's quiet. It'll be hours before he comes to, probably."

I nodded, hating to be treated like a kid, but feeling like I deserved it.

I couldn't have eaten the best food on the planet even if it had it been served to me on a silver platter. My stomach felt like one big knot. My nerves were so jangled that I was exhausted, so I stretched over three chairs, plus my own, and closed my eyes.

A hand slapped my face, hard, and woke me up with an additional shake. "Wha-a… who?"

I should have recognized the talon grip of my martial-arts-hardened friend without blinking at him. "Wufei?"

"I damned near had a heart attack when Cathy called, telling—no—crying… screeching how you were in the ICU! That occurred right before I was to go on! Good thing it was only a rehearsal and I was using a dull sword! I broke every speed law getting here as soon as humanly possible, something I never have done before, and here you are, looking perfectly fit."

"I, ah, was taking a nap."

If looks could kill, I'da been cremated on the spot. His adrenalin rush must have been wearing off, which meant he'd be left with the burning desire to somehow put me in the ICU where I belonged. He had many methods to bring about my demise at his fingertips.

"If there is any justice in this world, you will give up three years of your life for mine, and Catherine's!"

I half-listened to his ranting. We were best friends. That counted for something. I took that chance.

"Shut the fuck up, Chang! Jesus! Will you gimme a chance to talk? I'm okay, yeah, but there's a dude in there who's really fucked up seriously."

"Tell me who."

"If I tell you, you can't blurt it out, understand?" I pantomimed a "zip it" across my lips. I waited for the curt nod which I could trust would bind him to secrecy. One clipped intolerant motion. Before he blew his top waiting, I whispered, "Okay. He got checked in as Triton Bloom, but he's Heron Lowe. The soccer team leader I've told you about. You saw him play that time you came to a game with me."

Wufei had not actually met Heron. He'd never attended the high school. He'd avoided that insult to his person by having come to the circus with his education complete years earlier. A genius and a prodigy. Lucky guy.

His mouth flew open then snapped shut. Because he couldn't not say something, he ground out, "Him?! Why-?"

I gave him the low down of what happened, my warning, the jump, fall, the phone call. The note I didn't mention. That should have been Heron's private information and I felt strongly about keeping it secret.

"Abusive guardian—hopefully not a blood relative. Suicide attempt?" he asked me.

"I thought so. That's why I brought him here and not downtown where some fuckwad could get to him."

Wufei shook his head. "I hope he doesn't turn you in when he comes to."

"_If_ he comes to," I emphasized my doubt because I was really worried for him. "That's why I'm here waiting. Well, partly. As soon as I can see him, I'm going to try to explain and hope he's not so pissed to be alive that he'd blow everything and tell them his real name."

"He might do that anyway. He might not remember why he jumped and not believe what you tell him."

I hadn't thought of that. I hadn't thought beyond "take him home." That much was painfully obvious.

"It immaterial," he told me. "We know nothing. He might not even survive."

With all of the stress and worry I wasn't thinking clearly and couldn't take it all in. I buried my face in my hands and sat, elbows on knees, wishing I could turn back time.

He patted my back, two pats, but two more than he had ever before. "You did the honorable thing."

Now that _did _help make me feel better.

"Trowa Barton?"

I looked up at a man in a white jacket.

"Are you Triton Bloom's cousin?"

"Close enough."

"I'm the EM Doctor." Oh. "I wanted to bring you up to date on your cousin's condition." The doctor was looking at my friend, though; possibly he was expecting Wufei to give us some privacy. He didn't know my friend, obviously.

"It's okay. He knows—"

"I am a relative, too." Wufei spoke up. "I am here to help him remember the details and ask questions he won't think of."

"Very well—" The doctor said uncertainly, assessing our entirely different looks and how Heron could be related to us both.

"How is he?" I asked. _Just get to the point. _

"At this time, he is stable. He has sustained a serious head injury and numerous broken bones. The plan is to set the legs and keep him in traction while we watch his progress. If necessary, we are prepared for surgery. After that, if all goes well and we know the extent of his internal injuries, we can put him in a full body cast if required later, but I don't think that will be necessary at this time. Mostly, we wait and monitor him closely."

Full body cast-? Fuck. I must have blanked out mentally there for a few seconds because when I tuned in again, the doctor was talking to Wufei.

"-A strong predictive factor of whether or not those with severe head injury would survive or not involve the pupils, and sadly to say, 90% of patients who had bilaterally dilated pupils (not reacting to light) on admission die-"

"Will he be all right?" I just interrupted. I was real close to freaking out.

"Only time will tell. A patient's function following severe traumatic brain injury can be permanent. The pace of recovery and even the extent of recovery can be improved by proper physical and cognitive rehabilitation."

I couldn't listen to any more doctorese.

"Can I see him?"

"One at a time. Wear this," he handed me a badge. "There's an observational window. Later, you will be allowed in for a very few minutes."

"Go ahead," Wufei said. "I'll wait here for you to return."

The doctor disappeared and I passed by the secured doors. I looked through the window at the shadow guy in the ICU.

I'd seen my share of injuries. Plenty of sprains and breaks—once a clown fell off a horse, broke his arm, and there was blood from where the bone stuck out. Sickening and fascinating at the same time.

The sight of a seriously injured person in the ICU was terrifying.

I saw wires and tubes everywhere. What I could see of Heron was from a distance. He looked so vulnerable and frail and the equipment so intimidating. More than anything, I wanted to run, run far and fast. Get the hell out of the mess I'd gotten into.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter** **3**

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

My stomach did a horrible clench and twist at the sight of Heron, now Heero, if that was in fact who that was beneath the bandages and medical apparatus.

"Understanding what the equipment is-"

I spun about, nerves jangling. I hadn't expected Wufei's voice to come from behind me.

"- and what it does is the best way to overcome the anxiety the appearance brings."

"Fuck, Chang! You're not supposed to be sneaking in here!" I was jumpy enough without him alarming me like that.

"No one was checking badges." He stared straight ahead through the window. "You forget, I've been through this, worse than this, before."

Of course he had. As he'd once explained to me, when the war had hit his homeland, Wufei had lost everyone he'd ever known. He'd run for his life as far and fast as he could, and that was how he'd come to us in the circus. He'd been cloudy on the details. He'd never said much, but now I wondered if he had watched members of his clan die in places like this.

I turned back to see if anything had changed in the ICU. Nothing had. "Looks like an alien torture chamber."

"Most of what you see is telemetry equipment monitoring vital signs. I recognize IV tubes, catheter. They're using a ventilator to do his breathing."

Even though my friend sounded like a professor, I didn't call him on it. I also _got_ what he meant—machines were keeping Heron alive. "That sounds bad."

"It could be that he was given drugs that suppress his breathing. You have heard of a drug-induced coma?"

"I guess. Why would they do that to him?"

"I'm not saying they have. But the doctor said he was in a coma and being monitored carefully."

"Oh. Them watching over him is good." I thought I might be swept away by a torrent of emotions. I felt sick. "I'm not feeling too good. You seem okay."

"When our district was attacked the first time, I spent hours attending the injured." The weight of many sorrows pulled at his face. "It was nothing compared to...later." Furrows lined Wufei's brow. He looked like a man fighting his inner demons for a moment then his brow cleared. "The word 'coma' can be so daunting that some doctors avoid saying it."

I wasn't sure the word could intimidate me more than the machinery. "Yeah."

Wufei, I guess, wanted to make certain I was scared shitless the way he kept talking about it. "He is not going to just wake up from a coma and jump out of bed one day back to normal."

"Oh." Yeah, I thought Heron might just do that and I was all stressed out waiting for the chance to talk to him.

"It is not going to happen today, my friend." And here again, Wufei patted me on the back. It was comforting. "Depending on the severity of his brain injury, waking up can be very slow. If he's lucky, some of the steps will blend together in a matter of days. If not, it may take a long time, or not happen at all."

Gulp. Thanks for that, Dr. Chang. "They put his legs in traction, or something. I don't see that helping anything. I oughta ask about that."

But who should I ask? Who would know? I had lost track of the personnel or even what to call them. They all wore plain lab coats. Who was a doctor or nurse or one of the hundreds somewhere in-between?

Pat, pat.

"Calm down. Be patient. He has to be stabilized first. Traction is for the long bones."

"Oh." I didn't know shit about medical stuff.

"Just imagine the ends having to be held so they touch and not slip sideways with ligaments and muscle tension-"

That description made me wince. "Yeah, okay! Stop!" I wasn't particularly squeamish, but, fuck it to hell. "I'd rather not imagine that, if you don't mind." I was really glad to have my best friend standing with me, though.

We stood watching machines keep alive a shattered boy. "He fell so far."

Wufei grunted at that. "Notice that they have elevated both arms and legs, so he must have breaks in all of them. It reduces swelling—"

"-What's happening?! God! Fuck! Guys are running in there! That can't be good." I cast about for a nurse to question and when I found one, I was told to go back to the waiting room.

It was Wufei who finally snagged a chattier one. "We will do as we are told," Wufei assured the nurse. "Just tell us what the emergency is."

"Brain swelling." In a reaction to my confused look, the nurse continued, "Say you hit your thumb with a hammer - your thumb is going to swell. The brain reacts the same way to its impact, but the skull severely restricts the space the brain has to swell."

"And that's a problem," I concluded.

"Yes, a serious one. We have procedures to help, which the doctor is certainly attempting now."

As if the initial brain injury wasn't bad enough, there was more danger to come if the swelling got out of control. No one had to point that out to me.

There was nothing I could do, so I returned to the waiting room. I felt Wufei standing over me where I slumped on a chair.

"I'm taking you for a walk," he said.

"I'm tired."

He pulled me to my feet, and I followed, apparently unable to think for myself. He led me to a snack bar, selected a pre-packaged salad, a cold cheese sandwich and a carton of milk. We sat and I ate. It tasted like wax at best. I washed the food down with the milk and rubbed my face. My beard was growing in.

"What time is it?" I asked, thinking it was maybe 5:00 PM.

"After midnight."

Fucking shit. "No wonder I'm tired. Long day."

"I'll drive you home. Get some rest and come back in the—"

"No! Sorry, no. I gotta stay in case…" my voice trailed off.

"He's not waking up, Triton, not tonight."

"I'm _Trowa_. I'm going by that name now, remember?"

"I do. I was just testing you for coherency."

"Did I pass?"

Instead of answering, Wufei walked away. I watched him nab an intern and disappear around a corner. I checked that the book bags were still okay, and since my lineup of chairs was still empty, I stretched out. Midnight.

_If only I had a couple blankets, I'd be set_, I was thinking, and, like magic, a warm weight landed across my chest.

"Here. Lift your head." Wufei pushed a rolled-up blanket under my head and spread out the one on top. "I'm told that he just blinked his eyes for yes or no."

"That's good."

"Yes, it is. I'll stop by in the morning before practice."

"Hey, thanks." I meant it.

He was the best friend I'd ever had, even though we'd never shared personal secrets. Did other guys do that? I'd taken him for granted. Friendship hadn't meant much before, but suddenly everything had taken on more significance. There was only the single chance at life, after all.

I dozed off and on. I couldn't help but drop off, I was so whacked out, but every time I did, someone passed by on the way to the ICU and I woke up. I did manage to be asleep when Wufei came by as he'd promised.

"Sit up. I brought you breakfast."

"Coffee, yeah." I gulped it fast enough to sear the roof of my mouth pretty good before I noticed. "Any word?"

He shook his head and looked inscrutable. "Eat first."

"What's this?" I asked as I noticed he was handing me something. I poked at the warmth rolled in paper.

"Breakfast burrito." He didn't honor that by pretending it was good.

I knew Wufei had never touched any food item with a name like "breakfast burrito," much less prepared it, so I assumed it came from a machine or the cafeteria. I bit into it anyway.

"Thanks. It's not bad."

"I'll ask the duty nurse about his condition while you eat."

I chewed that over thoughtfully. Something was on his mind. I could see he wanted to say more. "What?"

"You told me you joined the circus as a very young child. You'd be too young to recognize a relative and it's been too long without contact for one to find you—my surmise. Also, Heron…Heero, that is, doesn't resemble your family at all. When the bandages come off and the swelling goes away that will be apparent to everyone and possibly trigger new questions."

"Oh."

"If he's to be anyone's cousin, he should be mine. And I have no living relatives to say it's not true."

"Good idea. We'll go with that, then. I'll call Catherine and tell her about the change."

One curt nod. "I'll do that." His smile was almost timid. "I promised her I'd get you back to the trailer to change clothes today."

"I'll go." He was still looking at me with a strange expression. "What the fuck? Do I look funny or something?"

He shook his head. "You eat. I'll speak to his doctor, and when I get back we'll go see him."

I owed him for everything he'd done, so, dutifully, I ate on command. I finished about the same time he returned, looking glum. "What?"

"Apparently, he had a little setback a couple hours ago."

That woke me up. "How bad? What happened?"

"A brain injury leaves a person open to a number of complications."

"Uh, huh."

"The brain's control of the bodily functions has been compromised. They have him on blood thinners to minimize blood clots and anti-seizure medication."

"Plain English, Chang. What new thing happened?"

"He's back on a ventilator." He turned and walked a few steps. "Coming?"

"Yeah, yeah…" I followed him to the observation window. "So that means that his brain's not working to make him breathe?"

Wufei shrugged. "I'm not certain why. They are concerned, because many brain-injured patients on ventilators end up with pneumonia."

"Pneumonia. So what are they doing about it?"

"The staff seems to be expecting it or at least prepared for that eventuality. The nurse I spoke to said she was on the lookout for the symptoms and that he received treatment quickly."

"But will he be okay?" I asked stupidly. He could die. I knew that. Wufei couldn't promise me anything; no one could.

Instead of reminding me of that and insulting me, though, Wufei simply and calmly answered my questions. "It's a serious complication, but he hasn't developed the pneumonia part, so that's good news."

"Yeah, guess so." I could tell he was weighing my reactions and probably trying to figure out why I'd gotten myself into this mess. Among countless other things, I hadn't told my best friend that I found other boys attractive. I'd never found the right moment to spring that on him. It had never seemed like a good idea and I stand by that decision still.

"The staff will continue to treat his other injuries as he continues to stabilize in the ICU. All you can do is wait."

"Yeah." I felt his eyes on me, studying me, looking for answers to unspoken questions. I looked up through my bangs and caught him staring. "Yeah, fucking wait. I can do that."

"You needn't wait here. You're needed back at the circus. The summer tour will be starting, and you have practices scheduled, which you owe it to others to attend."

"Getting tired of feeding the lions?" I smiled, guessing he'd been covering my chores for me, and that was at the root of his griping.

"Yes, I am. I have my own duties and no free time. Besides, well, we can discuss it later. I have to go, in fact."

"Discuss what?" I held him back with the power of my personality. I didn't touch him. I wouldn't; I avoided contact. Once I began to accept the idea that I might be gay, I'd never wanted to give him reason to question the nature of my friendship towards him. We'd never mentioned homosexuality, and he had no reason to suspect I leaned that way.

"You hardly know him and yet you are risking a lot. I don't understand you."

"Yeah." I wasn't sure of me either.

He stepped very close. I nearly backed away, but he leaned in to whisper, "You don't usually go out of your way for someone, and this…Heero Yuy… is a stranger."

"I was just reacting, I guess. The shock and all… at the time." I didn't actually think that would satisfy his inquiring mind. It even sounded lame to _me_.

Anyway, he asked, "And now?"

I looked away. I couldn't tell him how I'd noticed Heron at school for some time. I couldn't explain how his strength and masculinity attracted me. His deep, blue eyes. His irritated glares hadn't even chased me away. I couldn't understand myself; I just felt this fascination for him.

I'd fallen into a sea of blue, swamping my judgment, leaving me helpless in the wake of my infatuation. I couldn't explain that to Wufei _at all_.

He gave up waiting for me to answer and told me what he'd wanted to say all along. "I watched the news. There was nothing about his accident or mention of him being missing." Wufei followed my line of sight to the tangle of machinery keeping Heero alive. "Didn't you say he had a girlfriend, a rather wealthy, society girl? Shouldn't she be looking for him?"

"They broke up. Catherine found a note." As popular as he was, I couldn't name any of his friends or any one I'd seen him close to. Team mates.

"He had team mates who will notice he's missing," Wufei said. "I'll get a paper." When I didn't comment, he did, "How about calling the contacts on his cell phone? I don't mean his guardian; I understood why you had a problem with doing that. Have you tried?"

No. I shook my head. "Catherine took his phone."

"I'll go speak with her about it. He must be missed by someone who is looking for him, but we wouldn't want to alert that perverted guardian of his to where he is. When he's discovered here, if we aren't prepared, there could be serious consequences for—"

"I know!" I hated being reminded. "My sister said the same fucking thing."

"Well, she is a smart woman." His expression softened and his eyes transfixed on something in the far distance, and then he returned to glaring at me. "We'll talk more. Later."

Couldn't wait. Yeah. Couldn't wait for more of that conversation.

And yet, ironically, waiting was something I got pretty good at.

Later on, I was allowed to sit in Heero's room. I spent as many hours as possible sitting and staring at Heero's face, admiring the play of dark hair against his skin. He looked awful, overall: what I could see of his face was blotched and bruised, head swathed in bandages, broken nose. Both legs in traction, neck and back in braces, both arms in casts. All I could see were casts sticking out from under the white sheet.

I did leave his side that day and return to my caravan- just enough to shower and change clothes, to put in an appearance, and to feed the lions, who'd missed me. I wasn't gone long and then I returned to my Heero-watching station and my waiting.

Nothing changed for days. Nurses told me the downside of the medications was a sedative side effect. Not exactly what I was looking for when I wanted Heero to become more active and alert.

After the first week of his hospitalization passed, I started to lose hope.

"How could he pull out of a coma like that and be normal again?" I asked whoever would come in when I was there.

"It's really just up to him and his body's ability to repair itself," I was told over and over by the hospital staff.

Waiting gave me plenty of time to think, and not in a strengthening, progressive, or supportive way. I stepped through stages like a character in a psychology journal.

GUILT. Irrational as it was, I kept thinking that if only I'd done something different the injury wouldn't have happened.

Could I have said more? Shouted louder? Tried to catch him?

In my more lucid periods, I didn't think so, but I wasn't thinking through everything logically most of the time. So, what I did was to put those thoughts aside until they could be viewed more in perspective. Right.

DENIAL. I refused to _believe_ what they reported to me. It's not that I openly refused to hear what I was being told, but the general lack of interest anyone took when I'd point out some new change in his reactions made me angry at the bearer of bad news.

"That blink wasn't just knee-jerk, jerk!" I'd say.

Hope seemed important, and even irrational hope seemed better than nothing.

SHOCK. I've never been the type to make a big outward show of my emotions. This meant I appeared a lot calmer than I was. Inside, I felt anxious and had constant feelings of unreality, like I was trapped in a bad dream. Wufei must have understood something about shock, because he seemed to make allowances for me when I'd forget things he'd just told me. I know in the past he would have yelled at me.

I just hoped I'd pull out of the new dimension my head had taken me to, and that I'd unearth the inner strength necessary to make good decisions when they needed to be made.

Then I started visiting that even scarier place, my own head. I had plenty of time to conduct my own self-analysis. What if this had happened to me, I wondered?

That led me to question what I had done with my life so far. Sure, I had dreams of piloting a fighter, becoming a big war hero, but what had I done to get me on that path? Nothing but dream. I was a circus acrobat and lion-trainer trainee. I could be a clown stand-in and often was a target for Catherine's knife-throwing act. In other words—a big zero.

Who would have noticed if it had been me who had taken a header off the cafeteria roof? I would have been left to die, most likely. But, if I'd survived, what if I'd woken up and found I'd never be able to talk or move? What chance would I have had to live a normal life after that? What would I have wanted to happen?

I considered pulling the plugs one night and letting him live or die on his own. Good thing I didn't, though.

(o)

"It's just a reflex."

I quickly learned to hate that phrase. I'd feel Heron- no, _Heero_, had to remember that name- squeeze my hand or twitch or see his eyelids flutter and I'd feel my heart start to race.

"He's moving!" Invariably, the nurse would tell me it was just a reflex.

"No, it's not. I squeezed his hand and he did it back." I mean, fuckitall, I was there every second of every day and yet some uniformed employee would just squash my hopes as if they knew better.

No one listened to me, but Wufei had that kind of presence that made people listen, or something. Maybe it was because he and Catherine had worked out Heero's identity finally, so that he was actually Wufei's long lost blood relative coming to stay with us. Wufei lived with us so why not Heero? I was just the friend doing vigilance service now.

"Put it on his chart," Wufei demanded of the staff. "He's responding more often and you'd see that if you kept a record."

So they started to record what I noticed about Heero's activity.

(o)

Emotions ran high in that waiting room. One day, Wufei and I nearly came to blows.

"He moved!"

"Good. I'll stay with him while you eat," Wufei told me.

"But I want to be there when he wakes up. That's important!"

"I only have half an hour before I have to meet with the sword-act trainees. Go eat now!"

"I'm not fucking hungry!"

"Eat or I will break every damned bone in your body!"

"Boys! This is a hospital. You will keep your voices down or I'll have you escorted out of the building."

"My apologies," he said.

"Sorry," I added, looking very, very sorry indeed.

"Just remember where you are and behave accordingly," we were reminded.

I felt bad taking out my anger on Wufei and told him so. I had no idea what bringing Heero here would do to me. The panic. The grief. The fear.

My friend was a comfort and I leaned on him all the time. "What if he doesn't wake up? Or he can't remember anything? Or he hates me for saving him? Or—"

"Stop with the 'what ifs?'" Wufei snapped. "You will drive us both crazy guessing what will come of this, and that can only prove to be destructive."

"Yeah, I know. It's just hard."

"It is. We must stay positive."

"Yeah."

And Heero progressed in fits and starts. A hand-squeeze sent me running for a nurse, only to be told, "Just a reflex." But it was recorded on his progress sheet.

And when the movements added up and appeared more often, I knew he was making headway. It happened again and again. He groaned more and an eyebrow twitched.

Stay positive.

Easy to say, harder to do...

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 4**

In the background, there beeped the familiar sounds of working monitoring devices. In the foreground, I was staring at the back of Wufei's head, watching his ponytail wiggle as his head shook.

"Who knows if he's ever going to be normal again?" he said. "You have to get on with your own life and responsibilities."

Once again, he'd pressed me to return to work "for Cathy's sake." I just hated it when he used her to guilt me into stuff, even stuff I knew I should be doing. I blew up- proof that I'd been under a lot of stress lately over the fallout from the accident. "Just leave me the fuck alone!"

That brought not one, not two, but three staff assholes—they referred to themselves as a "resident", an "intern", and a "nurse practitioner"- into the room to haul us both away.

The older one ripped into me first. "What has happened to this young man is a terrible tragedy. Stop, break down, yell, cry, whatever. But, **do it outside the room.**"

He was followed by the intern in full-blown support mode. "Keep in mind that as tough as you think things are for you, that boy in there is the one fighting for his life. So, suck it up. Your positive attitude, love, and compassion are the best medicine he can get right now."

The younger female addressed Wufei more than me, saying, "We believe that the patient can hear you, even while in a coma. The last thing that person needs to hear is people speaking negatively about their prognosis."

The first one left us in the outer waiting room with this last thought, "As bad as you think your friend in there has it, there are many others who have it much worse. At least he is still alive."

I almost asked how he measured being alive and a vegetable to be better than dead, but decided not to get into a philosophical discussion with someone who's sworn job it was to maintain life.

Wufei apologized profusely for us both then left me to stink up the place with my sour mood. I was worthless helping Heero, so what the hell was I doing here, I wondered, not for the first time?

I sat alone, watching the workers flow in and out until they stopped watching me. I noticed that after a while I'd become invisible, part of the furniture or a fixture, like a coat rack. That's when I stood and reentered Heero's room to sit some more, and watch. I felt relieved that they let me back in to see him, so apparently my previous outburst from the day before had been forgiven.

At school, I'd watched him out of the corner of my eye and from beneath my bangs, while he practiced on the field. Soccer mostly. Once, he'd ripped off his t-shirt after scoring a goal. I remembered getting hard over that. Now that I had time to stare, he was so covered in bandages that there was nothing of him to look at.

Not to mention that there was nothing arousing about the hospital.

"Sorry for shouting," I told him as he lay there so still. "And just for the record, Chang's wrong. You will come out of this okay."

Then his eyes opened. Then they closed.

It happened so fast I couldn't believe it hadn't been my imagination in overdrive again.

I'd nearly convinced myself it had been an illusion, when a minute later they stayed open longer. He stared at me and I smiled, just in case he was seeing me. I wanted to shine with positive attitude. He blinked, beautiful dark blue irises flashed from under his black eyelashes, and then his eyes closed again.

I could read the monitors by this time. He was okay and returning to sleep. But he'd awakened and I'd been there to see it and annotate his log. "Eyes opened for half a minute and blinked—TB."

The next day I arrived a little late. I'd put in some time with the circus, which felt pretty satisfying. I'd also decided to talk to Heero, whether he was awake or not, just in case it could do some good. I'd been haunted all night by the idea of him being trapped in his head, of being aware and imprisoned with nothing to distract him.

"So, I ah…" I paused considering what to say to this near stranger, but remembering that he wasn't probably alert enough to actually recall what I said, I just started in on the events of my day. "I fed the lions today. They know me and let me scratch their ears. I've been told I'd qualify to train for the lion taming act, if I wanted."

There. I'd said it. I'd told somebody about a course of action I was supposed to take. I studied the tubes running from his mouth; I didn't expect him to talk. One was the ventilator, helping him breathe still, and others were for feeding, I'd been told. I felt lighter. It seemed that once I got to talking, sharing my thoughts, it became easier.

"I haven't told anyone, but I don't want to train for any more acts. I do the acrobatic stuff 'cause I like the high wire, and the trapeze is like flying. What I really want to be is a fighter pilot." I looked over my shoulder, but we were alone. "My sister, Catherine, wants me to stay with the circus so the army won't get me. She thinks she can hide me there. Yeah, well, maybe she can. What I haven't told her is that if the war comes here, I want to enlist and become a pilot."

A few minutes later his eyes opened and seemed to focus on me, so I raised a hand in a kind of wave and said, "Hi."

He blinked. We stared a while longer and then his eyes closed again. I opened an old car magazine and scanned for something interesting to read just to pass the time. "Here's an article on rebuilding a turbo engine." I read it aloud for a while then set it aside before my throat hurt too badly.

I might have nodded off, because my head jerked at the sound of a scuffle of feet and the opening of the door.

"It's ten o'clock, Mr. Barton."

Time for me to leave, then. "He looked at me again," I reported.

"That's nice. I'll make a notation on his chart. He's sleeping deeply now. You can go home."

"Okay. Yeah. Later, then."

The next day I caught up on my chores and made my sister smile by showing up to a practice. I even ate two meals before finally taking off to the hospital. I felt apprehensive when I got there, not knowing if I hoped he would be unchanged and that I hadn't missed anything, or if I hoped he'd be awake and talking.

I needn't have worried, though. Heero looked about the same, with some variations. Multiple IVs still hung by the bed so he'd get plenty of fluids and his meds. He was doing okay with the liquids; I could tell from the heavy container hanging on the bed frame, which had to be draining a catheter. I recognized the blood pressure cuff on one arm and the machine that would kick in at regular intervals to automatically take a reading.

Bandages swathed his cracked skull and more covered his broken nose, but the feeding tubes had been removed from his nostrils and he'd been taken off the ventilator, so his mouth was free.

His neck was encased in stiff foam-like material that ran down across the top of his chest and around one shoulder. I hadn't noticed that before. There seemed to be some new way to stabilize another broken part of him every day.

One of the IVs tapped out and the alarm went off. I was cool and just sat back and let the staff do their thing changing bags, which was a far cry from the first weeks when I thought he was dying whenever the signals rang and I got so excited I had to be walked out.

After they left me alone again with Heero, I looked him over until I'd satisfied myself with his stable status. Then I sat and tried to remember what he looked like. Not short or tall. He was about my height. Really fit. He played sports, mostly soccer. I'd watched him play a few times. Rain flying off dark hair, flashing, dangerous eyes, taut muscles, and teeth gritted in an expression of anger—incorporating all the imagery you'd think up if you were creating an icon for the determination to win.

I knew so little about him or the kids he hung out with. He and a shorter, blond rich kid, were the scoring forwards. The little blond admired him, I thought, but I didn't really know that for a fact. The braided runner was a mid-fielder off the bench. That was the guy who'd said "hi" to me a couple times. Heron had been a sports jock with a girlfriend, but this was _Heero,_ and the girlfriend had been a sham. This was a suicidal, abused guy I didn't know.

After ten minutes of silence, his eyes opened.

"Hi," I said.

His eyes seemed unfocused, so I stepped closer, right up to the side of his bed. He followed my progress.

"I, ah, I'm Trowa. I came with you, here, to the hospital." Not that I expected him to make a speech or anything, but I thought _I_ should try.

His lips moved, but I couldn't hear any sounds. The act must have taken all his strength, because his eyes shut me out again and he lay unmoving for the rest of the afternoon. I made the apt notation on his chart, and then I left.

I returned in the evening for my Heero Yuy devotional. "Hi, it's, ah, me again."

His eyes remained shut. He didn't give me the glimmer of blue or the flutter of lash this time. Okay. Yeah. I could work with the strong, silent type. He was a good listener this way and I found myself telling him more and more crap about myself.

"So I practiced a new aerial routine and aced it. The others hate me when I do that, master something on the first try, while they keep screwing up. If it weren't for Wufei and his near perfection to compete with, I'd just not even bother to show until performance time. So, I was thinking you'd like to share a caravan with me, when the time comes to get outta this place? Space is pretty tight, what with Wufei and me sharing one bunk and Catherine on the one above, but I'll think of something. It'll be summer and warm so we could sleep outside, maybe. Under the stars?"

There was no window to the outside here. I wished there was so I could look at the sky. You could stare and see infinity.

"Outer space- that's the place to be. Everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Far from here."

(o)

The next day the nurse practitioner, whose named I'd learned was Ann, handed me a cup of ice chips. "I noticed that you wrote on his chart that you saw his lips move?"

"Yes. I said something and he was looking right at me and it was as if he was trying to talk. That was my sense of things."

"You have good perceptive skills. This time, give him a few, a very few, of these and see if it's dryness that kept him quiet before." She smiled at me. "You never know."

"No, ah, sure. Thanks. I'll try."

It wasn't until nearly time to go that Heero's eyes opened. I'd finished a story about the first time my sister accidentally nicked me with a knife, an unbalanced one, in a knife-throwing act. "The bandage over your ear made me think of that. Oh, hi."

The ice was more mush than chips by that time, but I gave them a try. "Want a drink?"

He blinked, which I took as 'yes', and so I tipped the lip of the cup to his lips. They parted slightly, so I tapped the side of the cup with a finger and watched two slivers of ice slip past and a drizzle of water. I took the cup away and crouched close.

"It's ice and water. No booze. Sorry." I smiled briefly and I think, I _think_, his eyes widened ever so slightly more.

"Th…s."

Now I interpreted that as "thanks, buddy, for the drink."

"You're welcome."

The door opened with a whoosh. It was Ann, again. "It's ten… oh! He's awake!"

"Had some ice, too."

"Was it good?" she asked the still form. Her cheerful brightness made me wince. "Trowa's been telling me all about your improvements. He's here most of the time."

His eyes slid over to look at me and he blinked.

"Yes, that's Trowa. Wonderful, Heero! This is wonderful progress."

Progress? And then, instead of feeling elated, like I felt I should, I got anxious. She was calling him "Heero" and he wouldn't understand why. I hadn't prepared him for his new identity, and now that he was on the brink of communication. I worried about what he'd have to say.

Whatever it was, it wasn't going to happen tonight, though. His eyelids lowered over the blue eyes and he passed back into that deep sleep of the unwell.

(o)

The next day both Dr. Resident and Dr. Intern bounded on me the moment I showed up. Dr. R appeared serious. "I understand the patient was responsive yesterday."

"He's been res-pon-sive for weeks, just more so the last couple days." I meant to rub that in their disbelieving, know-it-all faces.

"Don't be too disappointed if he is less so today. One step forward, two back with head injury cases."

Me? Disappointed? I'd already come to the conclusion that my life, so far, all about living with disappointment. "Don't bother lightening things up for me," was what I said to him.

I let them precede me into the room. Once I saw that Heero was asleep, I turned on a heel and marched back out. No reason to hang with Dour and Sour, so I treated myself to lunch. Ham on rye, green salad, smoothie, oatmeal cookie.

That evening, I told Heero about the tiger I had to put down. His angry glare seemed to become more sad with the telling.

"She was an old lady and the tooth infection had got out of hand. She couldn't eat without teeth, not red meat like a tiger should. Know what I think? I think she just wanted to die and would have in the wild, but without enemies to track her down and kill her, she just had to stop eating. I couldn't take her suffering that way, though, and no one else would do it." I aimed a pretend gun at my forehead. "Right between the eyes. She never knew what hit her. It was over instantly."

Heero blinked. He blinked again and again.

If he meant what I thought he did, there was no way I was going to suggest I'd let him take the easy way out. I wasn't pulling the plug on him. I'd been tested earlier, when he wasn't communicating, and I hadn't done it then, so now that I knew he was capable of thought, I wasn't even tempted.

I shook my head. "Doesn't work that way with people. We got laws and doctors and," I waved a hand at the tangle of apparatus maintaining his vitals. "And all this crap to make sure people get fixed."

I swear, if looks could kill I would have been incinerated by the glare he gave me.

His lips moved slightly, "F—," ending in an angry grimace.

"Yeah, well. You can punch me out later when you're stronger."

He shut his eyes and closed the door on that conversation, so I left. It wasn't until I was back at my trailer that it occurred to me that no one may have told Heero how he could recover fully, and promised myself that I'd do that the next time he seemed alert.

I should have thought of that before.

(o)

It was a day later that he forced words out. I had to credit him for pushing himself to improve, in spite of wanting to die. Or maybe I had all that wrong. It wouldn't be the first time I'd mistaken someone's motives.

I greeted his open eyes with a "Hi."

"Ooo-?" It came out more like a grunt, but I interpreted him generously.

"Me? I'm Trowa. There's no reason for you to remember me, (and I hoped he wouldn't). I was there when you, ah, fell off the roof, which is why you're here."

"Nuh." He shook his head a little. "Oo-me?"

"Oh, who are you?" Okay. Showtime. _Think!_ "You're Heero Yuy?" It came out a question. Shit, I had to sound like I was more confident of my facts than that. "Yeah. Heero Yuy. A relation, kinda. You came looking for your, ah, cousin, Wufei. He's like a brother to me here at the circus. Anyway, guess you were goofing around, fell, and… yeah."

"No."

There was no mistaking that word. I didn't blame him. I didn't buy that pile of crap either and I certainly couldn't sell it to him lying there all vulnerable. But I really had no choice, did I?

"That's how it looked to me. The fall."

He shook his head and glared at me. "No … idiot."

At least, I was pretty sure he called me an idiot.

"No m-m-."

"No memory? Can't remember much?"

He closed his eyes momentarily. Shit. Lucky break for me. It made me feel really bad for him, though.

"It might all come back. You can recover completely (I hoped.)" I couldn't promise him it would be soon. I could hardly meet his eyes. "I wish I knew more about you to tell. You just showed up at the school, like I said, to see your cousin, but he didn't go there." The logic as to why Heero would have gone to the school and not to the circus directly didn't seem to make sense anymore, so I made up more story, hoping his ability to reason wasn't too sharp to point out the holes. "I was there and looking for you. I guess you'd called him or something, your cousin, Wufei, so I knew to look for you."

"H-how?"

"How did you get messed up?" I guessed. "You fell off the roof of a building. Tall one. I think you were trying to jump to the next one and missed."

His eyes closed.

"Yeah, it wasn't good." I remembered to add, "But you'll get better and be fine…in time."

That information was all he could handle for the time being, because he slept through my evening visit.

(o)

The next day I thought I'd be creative and bring Wufei. I needed backup and it was time to pull in all the actors. I knew Wufei hadn't been avoiding Heero. He'd been covering for me, doing my chores, as well as his, when I wasn't there.

"Yes, he's talking, sorta. He's asking questions and I know he needs a face to attach to your name."

"Fine. As long as this doesn't take too long."

I muttered something that made him stop and look at me.

"I didn't catch that remark."

"Sure you did."

"Listen, I don't mean to sound as if that I don't care. I'm glad to hear he's improved."

"Good. Tell him that," I said and held the room door for him.

Heero's eyes opened as we entered.

"Hey, Heero, I brought company. This is that cousin of yours I've been telling you about. Wufei, meet Heero. Heero, Wufei."

"Hello," Wufei greeted the glassy gaze. With both hands, he made a tent, joining the fingertips in a peak.

To my way of thinking, his little hand-tent was symbolic of a desire to crawl away into a small, dim place away from Heero's blank stare. Maybe he noticed this too, when he caught me watching him, because he broke the tent apart.

"Um," I guessed I was to take the lead here. Me. The talker. Go figure. "Hey, says here you drank some shake on your own, well, through a straw, yeah, but, ah, that's something."

I could have seen a blink in reply. Little did I know that this was the start of Heero's "down" mood swing. Wufei was little help.

"I thought you said he was talking," my big helper whispered none too quietly.

I shrugged mostly to get him to move away. "So, did I already tell you about the horse that refuses to run clockwise in the ring? Counter—all the time—or she bucks. I'm supposed to convince her otherwise. Yeah. Like I've got special horse sense or something."

"You have particular aptitude for communicating with the animals- that's obvious," Wufei declared. "Whether you agree or not, it is an almost uncanny ability to read their body language and react in a manner they understand." Looking down, he must have seen that unconsciously he had made the tent again, because he his face looked suddenly irritated. He pressed his palms down on a chair back and didn't look up.

Heero's eyes moved slightly, following whichever of us was speaking. I went on as usual, rattling on about the circus, and his eyes bored holes through me as he lay there in silence. I tried to get him to say something, but he didn't even grunt this time.

"Don't feel bad if you don't recognize your cousin (You've never seen the guy in your life. And don't you think I felt guilty as hell pulling off the phony relations bullshit on a head case?). It's been a few years. I bet you've both changed a lot." Oh, fuck! I actually did say that, too, and with Heero in traction and covered head to foot in bandages, sheets, and artificial contraptions. Fucking fuck.

Wufei made a point of checking his cell phone. "It's time for practice. I must go." His black, beady eyes settled on me. "So should you."

"Yeah." I'd done enough harm for one morning. When I turned back to Heero, he'd closed his eyes, effectively, shutting me out again. "I'll be back tonight," I promised, though he might have taken it as a threat at this point, and then we left.

One step forward, another one back, I guessed.

(o)

That night I was met by more silence and a narrow, blue beam of irritation, not that I blamed him. I'd be pissed at the universe, too, for putting me in that state when I'd expected to die.

I felt like turning around and leaving, but I stayed anyway, dragging out the pain, probably, reciting more about my boring day, and ending with and obligatory, "Wufei says 'Hi'."

His eyes closed, and I took that as "don't let the door hit you on the way out," and exited on cue.

(o)

The next day my visit was pretty unsatisfying as visits went. If all I had were his eyes as windows to his soul, then I think I liked him better when they'd been mercifully shut. None of that searching my face for remembrance, something I knew he must have desperately craved, and yet selfishly hoped he wouldn't. I didn't want him to recall the "circus freak" in school that he'd passed by like most everyone else.

I tried to muster some emotional context for what he must be going through and strangely became mired in a flood of my own feelings about him. It felt oddly titillating and I welcomed the diversion from my normal emotional void. Well, not void, but avoidance.

When I compared myself to others at school, mostly eschewed out of hormonal adjustment and lusting after everything female, I had to admit I felt fundamentally flawed. Oh, I'd shared a few kisses, engaged in some awkward groping in the dark, but not much and not repeatedly with the same person. Mostly, I fought down my interest in my own sex to the point of killing off nearly all my lust entirely.

I didn't think I was missing much and I knew I was being far safer that way. Homosexual teenagers were treated not much better than us circus freaks, and combining both attributes, well, I didn't want to find out where that might place me.

I gave into my baser instincts, when I'd watch the ball games, and mostly just Heron. Those times I'd admit to his athletic cuteness, toned body, wild hair—all of which I wanted to touch and, well, yeah—

It was better all that hottness was under wraps, that he wasn't visible now. There was little to remind me of the aggressive runner, not even dreams. I was, in fact, not even troubled by nightmares. No reoccurring falls, no replays of a body plummeting to the ground. No blood.

All I had were those accusatory eyes. All I _had_ had were the eyes. Now that he could speak, though, I'd learn more about what was going on inside that damaged head of his. And I was fucking terrified. I still visited. I didn't give up on him.

I was a fool for pain, I guess.

(o)

Over the next couple days, his voice returned slowly for whatever reason, although it was mostly one-word orders, grunts, and garbled noises. When asked if he wanted to see Wufei alone, he said, clearly, "No," so I didn't invite him along.

By the end of _another_ week, he grew comparatively loquacious, but not particularly friendlier. I came in one evening tired from a grueling workout catching and training a new recruit to our trapeze act. What I wanted was to sit and maybe talk or read a little to him about engine repair, but no mental gymnastics.

Yeah, well, tough fuck. He was awake and opened the conversation with, "You look like shit."

That he spoke first shocked me for a second. I nearly told him that he looked no better, but stopped myself just in time. "Um."

"What's your problem?" he asked me. _Snarled_ at me.

"What do you think of the saying 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder?'" I asked him. I was trying to be funny.

I could see the sneer materialize in his eyes first. I'd gotten good at interpreting him from just his eyes' expression.

"Fuck you."

Still, the "sneer" hadn't prepared me for an out and out attack. Hadn't I been there every day for him, his only friend in the world? His remark cut me in a funny way. I didn't take time to measure my response. I just shot back, "Okay, but you'll have to get a whole lot stronger first."

I watched his pupils enlarge, he couldn't control that response, and then his face turned away. "Go away," he told me.

"All right, since you asked nicely, I will. 'Night."

And I left him to molder in his own fuckulence, and me in my swampfest of guilt. Some friend I was turning out to be.

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 5**

When I came back the next day, I was met by Nurse Ann.

"Excuse me, Mr. Barton."

"Ah, call me Trowa, please."

"Trowa, then. I'm thrilled you came back today. Seeing you here every day for over three weeks…well," she flashed me an embarrassed-looking smile. "When you didn't appear in the morning, I was worried."

"Yeah. I'm not so sure this is a good idea. Considering." _Three weeks!_ I couldn't account for that much time passing. Maybe I'd lost a bit of my life being here.

"Oh, it is!"

I swept away the hair blocking my eyes so she could see I meant what I was about to tell her. "He really doesn't want me or Wufei around. Believe me when I say that."

"Oh, that's not true. Really. He's been difficult and lashed out in the only way he can."

Apparently, I wasn't the only one targeted by Heero's anger. He'd verbally attacked everyone within range. I guess I felt better about that. "Wufei reads a lot and he said head injuries made people, um, unpredictable."

"Often it can. There's lots of things at work here. Two days ago, we took him off the anti-seizure medication he'd been given for a few weeks. He's monitored for substances in the blood that can worsen confusion and precipitate seizures, but everyone reacts differently to changes."

"I guess. So his bad mood might go away on its own?"

She shook her head. "Imagine being stuck in bed, immobile for nearly a month. Was he an active person before?"

"Yeah. Sports jock," I blurted out before thinking. "Um, he wrote a note to his cousin before coming here and told him a couple things. I remember that." Fucking idiot. I was closed to slipping up again.

"You're the one who found him, correct?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I was."

I thought she'd leave me now. I hoped she'd move away from the door. I was ready to move on before I got trapped in more lies. "So, ah… yeah…"

Instead, she had more to tell me. "Being restricted to a bed with traction, he'll get frustrated and bored and even depressed, irritable, and withdrawn."

"I'd be a basket case stuck like that," I said.

We shared a smile, her half of a smile shoring up mine, mostly.

"I can't tell you how wonderful you are for continuing the visits."

"Oh," I could feel the heat rise to my face. My bangs wouldn't hide it all. I hoped she wasn't flirting with me.

"It seems inevitable," she said sighing, "teenage friends end up dropping out. Seeing someone so severely injured, I think, just jars with the sense of invulnerability teens have. Rather than facing that fear, they fade away." Sounding like a teenager herself, she added, "It sucks."

"Yeah."

"Too bad he hasn't any other family—anywhere. That would help you."

"If it were me lying there," I said, avoiding the topic of "family," "I'd want to know when I'd get better—if I'd ever be okay."

"I'm sure he thinks about that all the time."

"So, what do I tell him? Do I say he'll recover completely or what?"

She opened the file in her arms and handed me a small brochure. "Read this and tell him the truth. Give him the facts. He's come so far, but it all depends on the extent of his brain injuries. Bones heal, new pathways can be made through the brain for information to travel, but it takes time and work to get well. And then it's a crap shoot."

I mumbled a "thanks" and read the four-page handout. I thought about what I'd say to him today. I wished I'd known him better before he was hurt, but I hadn't and there was no changing that now. I'd have to guess how much he'd want to know and how blunt to be.

"Hi." My greeting was met by two things, a grunt and a blink. "Okay, so, I got this brochure I can read to you."

"No."

"Want to know what happened to you?"

"Fall."

"Well, yeah. As a result of falling from the roof of building and making contact with the concrete, you sustained a Closed Head Injury." I said that in a doctorly voice that, at least, got his attention. "Now I'll read: a Closed Head Injury is an injury where the skull stays intact. The rapid movement of the head can be enough to significantly injure the brain. The brain can be slammed into the inside of the skull. There may be bleeding in the brain and swelling in the brain will follow. The consequences of your severe brain contusion put you into a coma for..." I paused for dramatic effect and to let him know I was inserting his particulars, "… three weeks."

That got a reaction.

"Th-eee?"

"Yeah. Three weeks. And you've got another 6-7 weeks of traction to set your femurs. Guess your arms will come out of casts then too."

He looked pretty sad. It was a long time to be a lie-about in the hospital. Maybe on the beach would be acceptable, if you could keep the sand out of the casts.

"Yeah, well, I guess you got off easier than you could have. You didn't break your back, 'cause then you'da been placed in a full body cast for 4-5 months."

That won me a wince and a groan.

"And so far you haven't had any seizures, though it warns here that, how do they put it? '-some may develop in delayed fashion, showing up months or years after the initial trauma.' Who knows, huh? So, we'll go on the assumption that won't ever occur."

"Hn."

"That means when the bones are ready, you'll have to teach yourself how to walk, talk, read, write and, while you're at it, you might as well work on speaking in complete sentences. Blink if you wanna, but you're going to live and that's what it will take."

"Hn."

"Yeah, and, like it or not, you got me to help. And there's Wufei, too. And my sister, Catherine. She's okay, really, just don't expect too much from her cooking. Her soups are like dishwater and her stews need something, a lot of something."

"Salt."

"Salt? Yeah, that would help."

"Wine."

"Wine? I've never tasted that in stew. I don't know."

"I… do… a-cid."

"Acid? Huh. Seems you have some stuff you remember. That elevates you to head chef as soon as you can sit up."

And he smiled, both his lips curled and his eyes crinkled. Progress!

I went on to relate a story about the unbalanced high wire acrobat, which I made funnier than it really had been. No reason to get all serious about a drunk clown.

"H-h-horz?"

I had to ponder that question. "Whores-? Oh, horse! The back-ass horse, you mean? Yeah, she's another bright spot in my day. I do earn my keep with her. She'll let me walk her around the arena, but no one else. Next, though, is riding her both directions. Once she takes directions from me, I'll train one of the bare back acts with her. I got time still."

It wasn't until I'd left that evening that I realized that he was remembering things I'd told him. I wondered how much of my belly-aching he'd retained and wasn't sure if I wanted him to or not.

(o)

The next day's circus duties I couldn't avoid swallowed me up, leaving me little time to share with Heero in the morning, but I vowed to never miss a night, regardless of his mood.

One of my less onerous tasks was to run into town and pick up supplies. I took the day's stock list and the truck keys, the one to the truck without the huge CIRCUS advertising on the side panels. No reason to draw undo attention to myself. There was a time and a place for that, which for me was when I worked in tights and a mask under the big top.

I hadn't given the trip to town much thought until I realized that school was still in session and I had been AWOL for the last two weeks. I would have missed the last three weeks had the accident been any other time. He'd fallen on the Friday before a week of spring break.

No one said anything, though, as I minded my own business at the hardware store. I could have been twenty for all they knew. I wanted a sandwich and drove to a place I knew. Trouble was it was near the high school. It was early enough that no students were hanging around yet, so I strode in and wasted no time placing my order for a meat-filled sub, chips, and soda to go.

Bag in hand, I headed for the door and, naturally, spotted a guy I hadn't wanted to run into. He was team mate friend of Heero's and no friend of mine. Not an enemy; I was definitely beneath the notice of any member of the Winner family, but in case he'd noticed me missing from orchestra class and grown curious… My bad luck. Couldn't he have gone to any of the other dozens of eateries within a block of school?

Too late.

I didn't grow my bangs long for no reason, though, so I shook them well over most my face, dropped my chin, and scanned for a hiding place. I found a seat near the door where I could sit with my back to him as he entered. His shadow was with him. I recognized his friend's louder voice and yard-long braid of hair down his back. I didn't think he dressed like one of the rich kids, or acted like part of the elite set at all, but he must have been to hang with Winner.

They passed by me, laughing about the pencils Duo collected and stored in his braid. "It's even got an eraser! Who leaves good ones like that just lying around, I ask you? Not me! Whoa! Free drinks with a side salad order? You wanna salad, don'tcha?"

"I would, actually. I'll do that. I'll get a coffee and you can have the extra soft drink. Would that be all right with you?"

"Yeah, great actually, Quat. Little cash-light today."

I hadn't expected Winner's generosity. I almost began to like him. I wasn't sure why I didn't. What it was about him I didn't like? It was more than just that he was one of the "have it all's" and I wasn't—I wasn't that shallow, was I?

No, I didn't think I was. Heron had been well off, and I'd liked him. Not a good comparison. I was so hooked on Heron that even his being a cold bastard jock hadn't put me off. Or a Heero-mummy kept alive by machines.

I decided to go before I started dreaming about a pleasant Heero who was a friend. I jumped to my feet, but because I'd been listening in on their conversation, I missed my chance to leave before they saw me.

"Hey, it's that guy…uh… from the circus! Haven't seen you inna month! You okay?"

Damn. Two pairs of blue eyes were searching my face for answers. Not like Heero's dark blue ones at all. These were earnest and open and kindly interested.

"Trowa? You've missed orchestra and our final performance. I hope you can still graduate. Have you been ill?"

With Heron, I'd known where I stood. He'd never pretended that I existed. His stare had penetrated my physical body with no pretense of familiarity or friendliness. I was flummoxed. I was sure neither of these guys had ever acknowledged my existence before. I was surprised Winner remembered my name from class.

"No. Not exactly. Busy."

"Quat, the circus starts in a couple weeks. I'll bet he's got tons of stuff to do more important than school. Right?"

I nodded. I was stunned that someone like him would even be aware of life outside his little private school world. But I hadn't tried getting to know them either. I'd kept to myself, my little circus-centric world, just as much. Maybe I had been wrong about them.

"I'm certain the teachers will let you make up any work you've missed," Winner was telling me. "They want us all to graduate and have a chance at getting good jobs or going to college."

"I've got a job." This was the truth.

"Oh!" The blond blushed rose. My remark embarrassed him. "Of course you do! Sorry, I didn't mean it wasn't a good one either."

The long haired guy stepped in to save his friend further foot-in-mouth disease. "You're not the only one suddenly gone missing around here."

I felt the blood drain from my face. I grabbed hold of the table to keep from wavering on my feet.

"You remember Heron Lowe? He just disappeared a month ago." Both guys clammed up and watched a server set down their drinks and sandwiches. "Not so bad for me. I got his position on the soccer team, but it's pretty weird, huh?"

I nodded and looked at the door as more students entered.

"That creepy guardian of his asked around for him, but it stopped so I figured he'd been found. Then—" he paused when his blond friend patted him arm. "What?"

Winner lowered his voice to a whisper. "Not only him, but Relena Peacecraft just vanished too. Rumor is that they eloped!"

I shed tension like a coat, thinking that maybe I got away with hiding him at the circus. "Oh, yeah? I wish them luck. I, ah, gotta run." And I ran, food in hand, out the door, letting it slam behind me.

That was close. It wasn't until I was in the truck heading back to the circus that I let my thoughts wander back to my encounter. It hadn't been as bad as I'd imagined; they had been cool, friendly, and informative. Heron and Relena eloped! Heron's father, no, the braided guy called the man his guardian very pointedly, possibly believed that rumor and stopped hunting for him. How the rumor had started, I didn't know, but I was grateful to whoever had started it. Maybe. Depends on what they actually knew.

**I** knew from Zechs' breakup note to Heero that Relena had been transferred to another school. Wouldn't that fact kill the elopement rumor? Unless Zechs and Relena had something to hide and were letting the story work for them, too? It was something new to ponder.

The high school had to know who it was who fell off the roof. Didn't they? How would they know? Oh… It occurred to me that if the emergency report was all they had to go by, they would think that it was me who had fallen. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. I didn't know a thing about the machinations of police reports or EM reportage, but I did know that the circus world was run like a separate nation within the Sanc kingdom. Had I really pulled it off? Hidden Heron from the rest of the world and replaced him with Heero?

It awed me. It was as if my shadow world might be real.

As I thought more about my situation, I wondered about how deep in trouble I'd gotten myself – and both Catherine and Wufei for covering my story. Had she let the school know I'd been injured and transported to the hospital? Probably. She hadn't said a thing to me, or worried me. I'd have to thank her in a big way.

I drove directly back to the circus and dropped off the supplies before starting on my lunch. The sun felt warm against my skin as I settled onto a log against my trailer. I felt safe here. That disturbed me, because lately I thought mostly about how confined I'd felt.

I ate quickly. The sun and fresh air were nice, but chores were piling up by the minute. I couldn't let my best friend double up to cover for me anymore. I balled up the paper wrapping and drinking cup, tossed them in a trash bin, and I made my way to the animal cages.

"Trowa!"

I turned to find Wufei jogging in my direction. "Hey."

"They need help clearing the fields of litter. Want to lend a hand?"

Hot sun evaporated the sweat off my back and I drew in a deep breath of late spring air filled with the scents of growing things. In the bright light my shadow was crisp and clear. Lately, I'd felt sick of the routine, my body ached from the strain, and my soul screamed for release.

"Yeah. This beats practicing indoors with the out-of-shape acrobats."

The circus offered variety. Every day could be something new. How had I forgotten and made it into a grind? I felt good today. The difference was being outside, and that realization made me think of a way I could help Heero.

I couldn't wait to make something good happen for him. While taking a break from hauling rocks and stumps and garbage, I called the hospital. I didn't know who to talk to or if I could even do what I wanted, but I was determined to try.

"Hi, can I talk to, ah, Nurse Ann? Yeah, um, page her." She'd know more than me and I could talk to her. "Hey, yeah, this is Trowa? Heero's friend— yeah. I, um, had this idea." I explained enough to give her the gist of what I wanted, and she agreed with me!

She was very supportive, actually, and even connected me to the financial office. Moving Heero to a room with a view and a window that opened—he wasn't going to jump out while hanging in traction—was going to cost more. It would have to be withdrawn directly from my paycheck. The circus opened in a few weeks and I'd get full time pay. Plus, I imagined moving him to my trailer and saving money then. I would make this happen!

"Okay. Can you move him today? Yeah? That would be great. Thanks."

Before I felt _too_ good about what I'd done, I wondered if Heero would appreciate being moved. Maybe not right away. He might be pissed at me. I prepared myself for the worst, so that by the time I got cleaned up ready to go to the hospital I was properly depressed.

Wufei stopped me. "I can go. You look…tired. It must be difficult working all day and then… entertaining a—"

"You might be right about the tired part. I'll go tonight, but could you fill in for me feeding the animals tomorrow afternoon? I'll do the cleanup with the morning feeding, so all there's left to do is fresh hay and water checks."

"I don't see how that rests you more now?"

"Please?"

"Of course! You don't have to beg. I'll do it. We are friends after all."

I'd insulted him. "Sorry- and thanks."

He huffed a little. "It is just as well. I promised Cathy to help settle the new caravan and help her move in."

"New…? What new caravan?"

"Hers."

"She bought a new one? When?" I felt totally left out of the loop.

"Today, actually, and it's not new. The Ringmaster's mistress is trading up, and we, that is, _Cathy _received a very good deal on hers. She's a good negotiator, for a woman."

"Oh." I really needed to talk to my sister, and keep up with what was going on around her, not just show up and crash in the bunk at night. I owed Wufei, too, for being there for her when I couldn't.

"There will be room for Heero in yours when it is time to move him out of the hospital."

"Yeah. Well, thanks for helping out." I felt like I should have been the one to take care of that, but what the hell.

"My pleasure." He smiled, gave me a curt bow and trotted away.

For a second, it occurred to me that he possibly liked my sister. I dismissed that notion immediately. When he'd joined the circus, he had said something about having avoided certain family obligations, including an arranged marriage and to fight in the war to "honor the fallen," but which was really "a very dishonorable course of action". I hadn't pressed him for explanation—it wasn't the way of the circus. We all had our secrets. In any case, I figured that it was unlikely that he'd fall right into another relationship so fast, especially with his attitude about women: too weak to be worthwhile.

I was wrong about that, too. It was my day to start re-thinking things I'd been so sure of.

(o)

That evening, I arrived at the hospital later than usual. Heero was not in his old room. I had to get help from a nurse at the station to find his new room number and then dash off to find it. When I finally found him, I was happy to see his room had the windows I'd asked for, but the move must have taken a toll on him. He was asleep and didn't wake up while I sat by his bed.

I wasn't going to waste my visit, though, so I plotted out how to move his bed a few feet closer to the window. I wanted him to feel a breeze when I opened it. Adjusting the traction hooks took me the longest time, but I had nothing else to do. When I was satisfied with the new location of his bed, I hitched a leg on the window sill, opened it a little to test that it would , indeed, open, and sat there staring out. The gloom deepened and the stars flickered into view.

"Ni-ight?"

I jumped slightly at the unexpected sound, but subdued my rapid heartbeat a split second later. I knew it was Heero's voice, rough from lack of use. "Yeah. I thought you needed a window. That's Orion," I said, pointing out the most easily recognizable constellation in our summer sky.

"I know," he croaked.

I got up and held the straw of his covered sippy-cup to his lips.

He swallowed the water and cleared his throat before attempting to talk again. "Can you see the Pleiades?"

"No. There's too much light from the buildings here. I could from the other side of town."

When he shivered, I remembered the open window and got up to close it. "I'll open it tomorrow when it's warmer. I was outside today and it was nice. Figured you'd like that."

"I will. Why are you doing this for me?"

Why, indeed? "I was hoping you'd skip that question." I hadn't actually meant to say that aloud, but I guess I'd gotten used to opening my soul around him. Only that had been when he was unaware of what was being said.

"Too bad."

I couldn't tell if he was being humorous or not, certainly not from the flat tone of his voice, and there were no facial clues under that bandaging to help either. I guessed he was being serious.

"Friendship?" I cleared my throat. Friends do things like that. Maybe. Rarely. Almost never, but _boy_friends might.

"Are we _friends_?" he asked.

It felt like his stare was penetrating my façade. I wanted to be as honest as possible. "I've talked more to you these past few weeks than anyone else in my life. I think that counts for something."

"And Wufei is my…cousin? Where is he?"

"Covering for some of my chores so I can come here."

"So we're _good_ friends."

"Yeah, if you'd like?"

"I wish I could remember more."

_I'm glad you can't._ I didn't say that out loud. We wouldn't be having this conversation, if his memories had returned. I could see cat moving in the shadows of the trash cans below.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" he asked after a short pause.

"Clowns don't need a degree. Waste of time."

"But pilots do."

"Huh?"

"You said you wanted to be a pilot."

"You heard-? You remember…that?"

"Of course. I'm not deaf."

"I didn't think you were—"

"I can't do much, but I can hear perfectly well."

"Glad to hear it—"

"And I have an excellent memory, just not of events before waking up here."

"You don't have any trouble talking either," I grumbled.

My problem was that I couldn't remember what I'd told him! I'd rambled a lot, but had I said anything about how I felt about him? Watched him? Lusted after him? I must have lost control of my cool exterior. I was wringing my hands, for fuck's sake!

"Relax or you'll strain yourself," he told me. "We're friends, remember?"

"Yeah." The cat was gone when I looked this time.

"I've been practicing. Thinking complete thoughts and practicing speaking that way, like you told me to."

He'd actually paid attention to what I'd said. It made me feel good, as if I had this power over him, or something. I heard him sigh, and I turned to face him.

"So tell me about the trapeze," he said. "How long did it take for you to learn that?"

"Not long… that I can remember. I was a natural. You're athletic. I bet you'd catch on fast."

"I play sports?"

Oops.

"Yeah. You wrote to Wufei about soccer."

"Soccer. The muscles should be strong, then, and develop again."

I could tell he was thinking about his legs. We both were staring at his legs in casts, suspended in an apparatus of their own, leaving him helpless.

"Swinging on the trapeze gives you that flying feeling. I really love that."

"So you want to fly?"

"Yeah, what I've wanted to do for a while is join the air force and pilot a baddass fighter jet."

"Is that a possibility?"

"I'm more likely to train security lions for a sultan. But, fuck, I'd like to try."

"Pilot fighter—sounds good to me, but fighting in outer space with Star Wars lasers would be cooler," he said, and I felt the smile come through his voice that time.

"Cool, yeah."

We talked about that for the next hour. It was awesome.

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 6**

I didn't tell Heero that I knew about his interest in star watching, because it would have given away some of our real past and I didn't want to live in that world after going to all the trouble of creating a new reality. It wasn't a good memory to re-live, either.

This incident took place early in my first year of attending the private high school, the high school closest to the circus. Being forced from the circus schools into the mainstream had rubbed us all the wrong way. I hadn't known what to expect. Then I saw all the classes and clubs the school offered- they looked amazing, a little daunting, but for a day or so I actually felt excited and believed the change would be a good one. Astronomy club announcements drew me in immediately. The first meeting was on Friday night in back of the old outdoor drive-in movie theatre, long closed. It was a good choice, I thought, dark, but with plenty of parking. New members welcome. I liked that, too, so I went.

That was the first time I'd seen Heero and the Winner guy out of school. I'd already noticed them practicing goal kicks on the first afternoon on my walk to the bus. Cute guys in shorts. This evening, both had brought their impressive telescopes and were comparing lens qualities. The sidereal clock attachments alone had to have cost them what would have amounted to a year's wages for me.

"You bring your 'scope?" the adult in charge asked me.

"No."

"Well, you can borrow these binoculars and help the others with spotting tonight. Next time, bring your telescope from home."

I nodded, knowing that agreeing with the man would send him away, but I had no intention of coming to another meeting. Apparently, no one shared here. No one offered me a look even, although I didn't ask either. Thinking back, I should have just asked to share, but I shouldn't have had to. What pissed me off was how the signup sheet hadn't just stated: Don't bother showing up if you don't have your own gear.

It was easy to slip away unseen. I almost took the binoculars with me. I was tempted. I'd never had a pair that good- focal point 10 maybe? But I set them down. It wasn't as if I cared if someone came after me for them, but I didn't want to tarnish the image our circus had spent years building. We'd all been warned not to "tarnish the image of the circus" as we blended into the rich kid school. I hated to spoil the Ringmaster's "vision", but from what I could tell, people on the outside thought us circus folk were just this side of convicts and delinquents. Anyway, I wasn't likely to brighten the image, but I wouldn't taint it with my crimes either.

And I hadn't, for the most part, been a blemish on the roster of circus freaks the school had had to endure. But thinking about that brought me up to the here and now and how I needed to talk to my sister about my current near-criminal record sneaking Heero into the circus. I also got to wondering about what would become of Heron's nice things now that he was Heero?

All the way home that night, I thought about how Heero would fit into my life at the circus. He'd need clothes, for one thing. He was slightly shorter than me and more heavily muscled than Wufei, though maybe not after lying about for three months. That got me to pondering his personal things at home, his telescope, computer, probably, tons of things he might like to have, if he knew he had them, or would once he remembered having them.

And that's what got me to planning a break-in to his house, not to steal—no- but to retrieve his things. If I did it right, I wouldn't get caught and maybe I could make it look as if he'd done it.

Thinking about that took me up to the trailers. Plural. There, not far from my old one was a nicer one all lit up on the inside. I could hear laughter coming from inside, then the door opened and Wufei hopped out, turning back to take a pair of large, empty boxes from Catherine.

She saw me and waved. He saw me and waved a box. "Just in time. Cathy! He's here. What did I tell you? As soon as the heavy lifting gets done he'd show up?"

"I'm good that way," I said. I smiled and felt pretty good in general.

I stepped inside the old trailer and looked around. Devoid of the girly stuff, it was pretty empty. Good. Heero'd need the space for his stuff, once I retrieved it, and there would be medical equipment, probably, still around for a while. I noticed Wufei's blanket on the lower bunk where my sister had slept, and guessed he'd planned on moving to the lower bunk until Heero arrived. Leaving Heero to sleep alongside me? Just to make sure, I'd have to talk to him about the new arrangements.

I checked the cupboards to see if my sister had left me any food or dishes. "She didn't take anything to eat?"

"The other trailer came very well equipped," Wufei told me. "You'll need to cook to take care of…Heero when he gets here."

"Yeah," I agreed. "We should talk about that."

His ponytail bobbed when he gave me a quick nod. "Cathy would like to have a discussion as well."

So, we went next door, where Catherine was whistling and putting clothes away in drawers built in under the bed.

"Hey! Come on in. Isn't it nice?"

"Yeah." It was nicer than the other trailer. Newer and cleaner.

I wasn't sure I liked Wufei's easy way about my sister's new kitchen. He set out tea cups while water boiled and knew right where to find the tea box. He looked up and meeting my eyes with a direct, open gaze.

"I put the food away, so I know where to find things," he explained. I don't know how he read me so easily, either. Maybe I was losing my mask of indifference?

"Wufei's been such a help!" Catherine trilled. She _trilled_, happy as a lark.

"I was wondering," I began, feeling more the cat to her bird for no particular reason except I didn't understand why she should be so happy. Sure the place was nice and all, and, okay, it was her first place on her own, but was I so onerous a _brother_ that sharing with me had brought her down?

Maybe it had been the addition of Wufei?

About that I was righter than I knew.

"About what?" she asked, suddenly guilty-looking.

"Mostly about what all you'd done for me, for Heero, hiding his identity here at the circus."

"You should be eternally grateful for what she's done," Wufei remarked. He tapped the spoon on the side of the teapot, freeing a few more leaves as he measured.

"I am!" I growled. I didn't need him to make me say it. "I am grateful. I just wanted to know what was up now. You notified the school? No one's come around looking for me."

"I told them you were injured and in the hospital here. That accounts for the ambulance to the hospital. They were perturbed that no one there had been told, but once I'd assured the school that we weren't suing them, they settled down. They even sent a paper with contact numbers for the teachers you might need in order to make up classes."

"It's in the top drawer," Wufei said, and pointed over his shoulder, as in out the door, to where I could go to get it.

I didn't make a move. "Later."

Catherine wasn't bothered by attitude, his or mine. "Since then, no one has called, written, or stopped by to check on anything, including looking for Heero."

"That wasn't his real name. Authorities would come asking for information about Heron Lowe," Wufei put in.

"Rumor has it," I said, "Heron eloped with a girl named Relena."

"Relena Peacecraft? She's nobility!" Apparently, Big Sis Know-it-All didn't know everything, but she followed the society pages.

Wufei wore a strange smug smile. "We discussed that the first week he was hospitalized, not that you remember," he said to me.

Okay, so I was a little fuzzy on the particulars. "His ex-girlfriend, actually."

Now Catherine was staring at me, probably thinking I was insane for bringing him here. "And who thinks they eloped?" she asked.

"I ran into a friend of his in town, Winner, and—"

"Quatre Raberba Winner? The son of the Winner Corporation!" Apparently, Wufei also had a pretty good handle on the upper crust of Sanc, because I hadn't told him about that meeting, I was positive.

"That's the one. He's the one who told me about the rumor. But _I_ know she was transferred to another school by her older brother."

Catherine met my stare. "That note," she said, remembering, probably, having stuck her nose into his private business.

"Yeah. Why no one knows about her transfer, why that's a secret, I don't know." Nor did I much care.

"I hope you haven't brought the wrath of the rich upon your sister, _us_, the circus, by bringing that boy here. Cathy couldn't have known about these wealthy friends of his and to what ends they might go to get him back."

"Nearly all the students not associated with the circus are from wealthy families, Chang! She knows that, if you didn't."

"Why are we all yelling?" she asked, breaking us apart.

Why indeed? "I just wanted to thank you for all you've done and find out where I stood with the school, the paper trail, cover up… that stuff," I said, petering out there at the end. I wasn't angry at her, exactly. I was irritated by my friend and how he was acting protective of her, and something more I couldn't put a finger on.

"That's all right," she said. "We're all tired and have a busy day tomorrow. I want my tea and some rest. Can't we all take a deep breath and relax together?"

I settled down, but I kept my eyes averted from the careful glances between my friend and my sister. I'd never felt more like an outsider around them than that evening.

Catherine wasn't actually my sister by blood. We'd sorta adopted each other, being orphaned kids about the same age, her a bit older. The circus treated everyone like one big family, thus the "like a brother" position Wufei held and instant acceptability of "cousin" status for Heero. Between Catherine and me, there'd never been any romance. We'd met up as kids and nothing developed later, especially since I'd discovered my preference for the male anatomy. We just never had any sexual interest in one another.

But that's what I was noticing now. Wufei had that interest in her, and that was my problem. He looked at her in _that_ way, and I couldn't get over it right then.

I sipped at my hot tea then stood, tossed out the tea, rinsed my cup, and set it on the countertop. "You're right. I'm too tired to think about all this right now. Catch you in the morning."

Once I was alone in my trailer, a very strange feeling, I pulled myself up into my bunk, slipped off my shoes, and discarded my jeans and shirt while lying on my back.

What was wrong with me? I had Catherine and Wufei and others who cared for me. I liked working with the animals and flying on the trapeze. It wasn't a bad life. Maybe it wasn't the one I dreamed of having, but it wasn't terrible. Still. I wanted to be a pilot and to be free of this place. And since I couldn't have what I wanted, I hated what I had. There was more to it than that, but that was the root of my problems.

I fell asleep shortly after reaching that conclusion, so I guess I'd really been tired after all. I didn't even wake up when Wufei came in or when left before me the next morning.

(o)

After a breakfast of cold cereal and soymilk, I headed for the lion cage. Feeding the animals was a pleasure, so I took my time. My routine took me next to the trapeze. The circus was abuzz with the report that the Sanc army had requested a special circus show. I was warming up with Wufei doing his own Chinese exercises close by, when Dooey, a dwarf clown, asked us what we thought of the idea.

I was always polite to the little people, once being short myself, when I was two. "The ringmaster won't do it because he'd be afraid he'd lose too many young people to the recruitment effort," I said.

I heard a snort from Wufei and watched him move further away. He'd been too close to the war and wouldn't talk about it.

Folks in Sanc rarely talked about the war, I'd discovered. My history teacher had bemoaned how there always being a war someplace and how we should focus on our own goals, changing the subject. Catherine wouldn't speak of it either. She was afraid I would join up and leave the circus, which I would if I could. And I'd tried and failed once, thanks to her.

And I couldn't until I was eighteen, not very far off, and with my debt paid. It took years to pay for the trailer, my training, food, and clothes. It would be years more before I had paid for Heero's care. If I was lucky, Heero would want to work off part of that debt with me. If I took off without clearance from the Ringmaster, I'd probably never be allowed to return, and since Catherine, Wufei, and the rest of the circus was the only family I could remember, being excluded from that world was an undesirable and intimidating thought. So, as much as I wanted to enlist, it wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

Still, I liked to keep up on the test aircraft and weapon designs, so I'd read what I could find and talk to anyone who knew anything. Wufei sided with Catherine to the point of refusing to say a word about the war. Ever. And they weren't alone.

"Kids wanting to get themselves killed in the war? What a stupid idea! We outta put on a show. We could use the business," the clown said, dismissing my logic entirely. "It'll come down to money, mark my words."

"Consider them marked." I felt I was right; a military-only show would never happen. No reason to press my point.

As soon as Wufei told me he had my chores covered, I ran to the hospital. I ran around the far side of the building looking up at Heero's window to see if he could look out, and he was there! I waved and I could have sworn I saw him move a hand, not that he could possibly do that in traction. I tore into the building and to his room.

"Hi."

"I saw you outside," he said.

"Your arm's free," I told him.

"One, yeah. It's the left one that's in worse shape. I showed them I could move my right fingers and they x-rayed that arm this morning."

"It's healed?"

He nodded. I satisfied him with my look of awe. "Were they properly amazed?"

"Yes." His smile turned smug. "I'm a special case. Super healing powers."

I noticed the TV remote on his lap. "So, now you're catching up on the soaps?"

"Cooking shows," he corrected me. "I wish I had a computer. I feel as if I used to have one."

"Laptop. You carried it everywhere but the playing field. Probably not the shower either."

His eyes riveted on me. "Wufei tell you that? Does he know me that well? He's hardly come to see me."

I knew too much and I'd said too much and I knew it. A certain amount of obfuscation was necessary in life, but out-and-out lying was more trouble than it was worth. My lying had caught up to me.

"If you know more about me, if you can tell me things, tell me! I need to know! I hate feeling like I have this big hole in my brain."

It wasn't as if I'd been counting on him falling for me, or anything, and we'd just start this new idyllic life. Things didn't work out that way for me. No. I had to tell him the truth. Worst case, he'd hate me, and, since he didn't especially _not_ hate me before, I had virtually nothing to lose.

"I was waiting until you seemed capable of, ah, dealing with stuff," I said.

"Tell me."

"So, might as well get this over sooner as later."

"Now."

So I did. I told him his real name and about his remarkable rooftop leap that missed and how I sneaked him into the circus hospital.

"Why the circus hospital?"

I told him I was hiding him. Then I told him about the cell phone call I accidentally took from Odin Lowe. He didn't react to the name at all, so I went on to say I had his backpack here on the floor of the small patient closet. "Phone won't work. The batteries died."

"I want it."

I pulled the pack from the back of the closet. "Here it is," I said, opening the bag near his arm.

He lifted his wallet and the few other items one by one.

"I hid your ID, but I've got it." I went as far as fanning out all the cards I had in my pocket.

"Don't… Keep it. Hide it," he said waving off my hands.

I pocketed everything again.

When he came to the wadded up note I warned him. "I think that had something to do with your jumping. I didn't read it. My sister did and… well… told me."

I watched as he smoothed it open against his blanket and read it carefully. He just stared at it.

"Do you remember any of this?" I asked.

"No." His eyes searched mine as if he thought I was pulling a prank on him. "Not at all. None of the names you've mentioned mean a thing to me. The phone…maybe is familiar. There's this feeling I've got. I don't want to go back. Not that home."

I breathed. I'd been holding my breath without thinking. "I wasn't sure what to do. You fell—"

"Jumped. Just say it. You're thinking it, so just say it. I jumped not thinking I'd make it."

"You tried, I think, to reach the other roof. At the last minute you changed your mind, I think. You and I weren't ever…close. Not even friends," I finally admitted.

His eyes shut. "You could have run away and left me."

No, I couldn't have. I opened my mouth to say that, but he beat me to the draw.

"—But you didn't." His free hand moved to touch mine. "Thanks."

My heart pounded in my chest, after skipping a beat. He was telling me we were friends now. "Maybe I did you no favors."

"I'm alive. I'll be strong soon. I can start over. You've given me that chance."

"You were rich. Had things. Being a circus freak is of questionable value, just warning you." But he took all that very well, lifting my spirits measurably.

He hadn't much to say, because he didn't know much and was too smart to go on about what he didn't know.

"This Odin Lowe man was my guardian, you say, not my father?"

"Yeah."

"He hasn't tried very hard to find me. No one has."

I really felt his pain, the desolate, empty ache of loneliness. "Well, it's hard to get information, to be honest. The circus is a separate part of the kingdom, with our own rules for the most part." Then I told him about running into Quatre Winner and what he'd said about the Relena elopement.

"Ha!" he laughed a little. Because the idea was funny? Because he knew he was gay? Or was he remembering something?

I didn't know. I let the new information soak in and allowed him to work out his own questions.

"What do you suppose happened to those 'things' of mine?" he asked.

I hadn't expected that out-of–the-blue question. "I don't know. They could still be at your home."

"Could you check?"

"I guess."

"I wouldn't ask, but by the time I can walk, it might all be gone."

"No, it's okay. I was thinking about getting your clothes. I'd have to break into your house. I don't know if anyone else lives there or not."

"I'll make it easier for you." From his hand dangled a set of keys. "Found them at the bottom of the bag."

I couldn't help smiling as I took the keys from his hand, especially when our fingers touched and his lingered over mine a precious few seconds.

"It doesn't matter if we were friends before or not," he said.

I don't know if he understood just how good his saying that made me feel. I didn't want to ruin the moment with blubbery words. I think he got that we were poles apart anyway.

He saved me from having to invent some brilliant response by changing the topic. "So, the staff here tells me there's going to be an armed forces parade and that the circus might put on a special performance for them."

"I doubt it," I said, and went on to explain why, relieved to have something "safe" to talk about.

Neither of us understood the politics behind the war, but we were both knowledgeable and excited about the weaponry involved. We compared mental notes and argued the finer details of laser beams versus cannon recoils, with him saying we'd settle it once he got his computer and we could look up everything on the internet.

We ended the visit discussing my raid on his house, prioritizing what I should look for first, what I should take if I only could make one trip. Too bad he didn't remember the layout of the house, which room was his, or if his things were all spread out or not. Having the keys, however, changed it from a felony to a misdemeanor, if I got caught, and I wasn't planning on getting caught.

"I'll do it tonight," I promised.

"Be careful," he warned unnecessarily.

It was late already when I left him, which was perfect. I drove to the right street, passed by the Lowe house twice, once to check the number and another time to make sure the lights were all out, and then parked a ways down where a few other cars collected. Mine was a borrowed old pickup, which, thankfully, didn't stick out in a crowd. There was only one street light on the block and it was at the other end and most of its light was blocked by a tree. The houses all looked nice. Pretty average. Not mansions, but far and away bigger than a trailer. His was more average than most and set back from the street. I wondered if the man had chosen that house because it was so inconspicuous and hidden?

I stuck to the shadows. It was quiet, still, dark. I crept around to the back door, which was really a side one off the driveway, and was about to step up to the door and try the key, when I felt a presence and heard a voice right next to my ear._ Fuck._

"Don't move."

I didn't. I _considered_ moving a lot. I thought about running like hell and about snapping the neck of whoever it was who was hovering at my elbow. But it wasn't an unkind sort of voice, so I didn't move right away. I gave it a chance.

"Be quiet."

That irritated me a little. I was being quiet; he was the only one talking. The voice came out of the darkness enough for me to recognize the face. "You, again?" I couldn't believe it was someone I'd know. The guy with the long hair in a braid.

"That's right. Funny the places we meet."

I didn't think there was much funny about this meeting, but didn't say so.

"I figured you'd show up here sooner or later," he said.

Had he been staking out the house, or me? I felt a frown form between my eyebrows. He warned me to be quiet, but seemed to get louder himself.

"Oh, you can talk now. No one's home," he said. He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. "And the lady next door just went back inside."

"You've been watching for me for how long?" He couldn't have been following me for weeks; I would have noticed. That was crazy.

"Been watching this place. Only for the last week or so, at night. I'm glad you finally showed up, Tro'. I've been short of sleep, ya know?"

Tro'? What a nickname! He _was_ crazy. Now, how was I to get rid of him?

"You don't know my name, do ya?"

"No," I admitted, a little embarrassed.

"We were in five classes together. Guess I didn't make much of an impression on you." He stuck out a hand. "Duo Maxwell."

I took it and squeezed. He was strong and had calluses. "Call me Trowa."

"Heh, heh… sure. So, how're ya fixin' to get in? I'm a wiz at locks, if you need a hand." To convince me, he pulled a wire out of his insanely long braid. "It's works!"

He was going to pick the lock. "I have the key," I told him, although, it was a pride thing. I had no reason to think I should trust him or tell him that.

"You shitting me? Cool. Let's go."

I didn't move. What did this guy think? I'd just fall in line like we were old friends?

"You are collecting Heron's stuff, right? You can't do it all in one trip without another pair of hands, I can tell you that, even with that laundry bag to carry crap. Plus, I know where his stuff is."

As lovely as that all sounded, I wasn't dumb enough to believe he wouldn't blow cover and call Lowe or the cops on me. I didn't even pretend I would move in this lifetime.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I told him.

"Yeah, you do." He puffed out some air in as exasperated sort of way. "Okay, there's no real reason for you to trust me. You don't know me, so I'll tell you," he leaned closer and lowered his voice again, "Quatre is Heron's best friend and he's worried sick about him being missing. Quat's my _better_ than best friend, if you get my drift?"

He stared at me and I concentrated on not blushing.

"That's right. So, making Quat happy is like numero uno on my to-do list, which brings me here."

"Here, to Heron's house." I wanted to make sure that was what he meant.

"Yeah, and finding you here, too. I planned to look through his stuff, trying to find a clue as to what happened to him. Based on how you both disappeared at the same time, we even put together a scenario where he ran off with you to the circus— guys do that, right? That's what I've heard."

I felt the blood drain from my face and my hands go ice cold. Good thing it was dark out and my hair hid my face.

"I was willing to bet Lowe had hurt Heron real bad. The man is like a fucking, pervert bastard of the worst sort, mixed up in the underground somehow. He's got a gun collection that doesn't include hunting rifles- all special ops looking stuff."

"You know what special ops arms should look like?"

He huffed at me again. "I watch movies and study pictures on the internet. Don't you?"

I did. I shrugged, giving him that. Weaponry fascinated me. Apparently, not just me. Heero shared my interest. And apparently Duo, too.

"—but we didn't see where Relena's disappearance fit into the mix. Not right away. You see, Relena is related to this other guy, who was a _particularly_ close friend of Heron's; however, as hard as he tried, Quatre couldn't get any answers from him except that he and Heron were…through."

I know he was testing how much I knew about Heero. If I knew he was gay. If I knew about him and Zechs. I don't think I batted an eye.

"You think his guardian is capable of murder?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, mean bastard-I don't wanna go into that, but that's why Quat's so worried. Lowe mighta killed him! We're actually really hoping he's hid away someplace safe. Thing is, if I can get back to Quat some information about his bud, then I'll feel good about this night."

And there I was gazing back into a pair of pretty, spectacular eyes. And an expectant expression, turning sly.

"You know," he said, "I feel like I'm crowding the conversation here. Quat said you were quiet, but it's like… just the two of us here… I could use carrot. You know, dangle it out in front to make me go? Some encouragement for me here?"

"I hate carrots," was out of my mouth before I thought about it, making him chuckle.

"No one _hates_ carrots!" he assured me.

"I don't like them…_immensely_."

And his grin encompassed me with a warmth that had to be friendship. Duo didn't feel evil. Not at all.

"He's safe, recovering," I said. Noticing his face grow serious and worried, I went on. "He had an accident. He, ah, missed a jump from the cafeteria roof to the gym. I saw it and called for help."

Duo was shaking his head, but when I paused his hand waved me on for more.

"I called an ambulance and they took him to the hospital."

"No, they didn't, not the one downtown." His voice broke and I could see his face run through all these changes as he figured out that I'd gotten Heron to the circus hospital. "You had him taken to the circus hospital! How did you _do_ that? How did you know-?"

I pointed to my head. "Special powers?"

His incredulous snort spoke volumes about what he thought of my explanation. He didn't press me for more, though. I liked him all the more because of that.

"Okay, got it. Later," he said. "I'm pretty impressed, just so you know. So, ah, tell me. He's okay?"

"He wasn't, not for a long time, but he's awake now and has one hand free to type. He wants a computer."

"One hand? Jesus! Quat will not be satisfied with just that, but it'll have to do, I guess, huh?"

I didn't answer him, so he went on, "I know which computer he means, and we'd better do this before Lowe gets back or someone wonders what's up."

I didn't tell him that Heero's memory hadn't included anything as precise as a particular computer. "Oh, and he's not Heron anymore."

"Wha—" Duo caught himself before screeching, and croaked huskily, "What does that mean?"

"His name's Heero now, and he's going to stay hidden."

It didn't take Duo long to mull that about and come back with a sharp nod. "Got it." His expression turned wry. "That's more of a radish than a carrot that you gave me."

I looked into his eyes again, wishing I didn't because they were so prying.

"I bit into one _once_." He made a face. "It was hot and nasty."

I managed to return a weaker version of his smile. "Then you understand my dislike for carrots."

He muffled a chuckle with his hand. "Heh, heh. I wish we coulda got to know you better, sooner."

I started to wonder if I had tried, if either he or 'Quat' would have befriended me, and blocked that energy-sucking thought process. That wasn't going to get me home anytime soon.

I guess he got tired of waiting for me to comment. He danced from foot to foot. "Um, can we get started now?"

After that, I simply keyed the lock and opened the door.

Duo jumped past me, nearly bowling me over.

"Hey-!" I grumbled, getting my balance back.

I saw him furiously tapping at keys on a box just inside the door. "Security," he explained, "Is now…off. Okay, follow me."

I whispered "thanks" to whoever was in charge of my luck tonight then got nearly slapped in the face with his braid. My fingers pinched the tip inches in from my mouth and I held it there until he looked at me.

"Leggo!" he grumbled, swatting at my hand.

I did. He immediately was reeling it in and tucking it securely under his jacket. There was a hell of a lot of hair.

"I wondered what you did with that when you played soccer."

"That's what I do with it." He tossed me a crooked smile. "Damned itchy thing to have down my back, but it keeps me irritated enough so I don't lose my edge." He flashed me a thumbs up and plastered on a grin, but I saw something burning in his eyes before he turned away. "His room's this way."

He led; I followed. Duo was in constant motion, full of energy. Fucking cute ass. I liked him more than I wanted to.

Heero's laptop sat closed on his desk. I gathered it, the power cord, and a wireless mouse sitting nearby, and slid them carefully into the bag I was carrying. Duo rolled up shirts and jeans for cushioning. We both went through drawers, grabbing socks and underwear.

"He doesn't take meds, ever, and he practically never shaves, that I've ever seen."

"Lucky guy," I commented.

"Shaving's a drag, yeah." Duo added a hairbrush to the bag. "He has an MP3 player."

"It wasn't with him or in his backpack," I told him.

"Ah, here it is. Wonder why he left it on his bed?"

"Who knows?" I didn't think it mattered any more.

"Found the charger for it and his phone charger."

I took both cords and added them to the bag. Duo wrapped the music player in a t-shirt and dropped it in.

I didn't think I had enough clothing. "Shoes," I said aloud.

"On it." Duo shook the pillow from a case and stuffed it with shoes, more jeans, and a jacket. "Oh, his stuff!"

I wondered what he meant and was about to ask when I heard the sound of car engine and a mechanical rumble.

Duo had been opening drawers, collecting memory chips, a knife, and something else, when he heard the noise. "Shit! Garage door. We gotta split!"

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 7**

Duo shouldered the "shoe" bag, and I heaved mine over my back and lunged for the door of Lowe's house, but his shout and the screech of a window opening brought me up short.

"This way!" he called from the window.

It was a single story building, so it wasn't a jump. I had the presence of mind to leave the note Heero had written in rather shaky handwriting on the bare desk, before climbing over the sill, and slamming it shut. Duo tugged on my sleeve, pulling me in the opposite direction I'd been about to go in. He took off into the back yard, turned to the side, and then I saw him leap a wood pile and use that to gain the height he needed to vault the fence. Duo must have known what he was doing, but I hadn't that luxury. I had to be more cautious. I was carrying delicate stuff, so I ran across the fence top like a narrow, wobbly balance beam until I found a decent landing spot.

He was waiting for me, fumbling with a gadget in his hands.

"What are you doing? Let's get the hell outta here," I said.

He held up the device, looking as if he were about to lob it over the fence. "Just setting this bomb to blow up the place to cover our tracks."

"For crying out loud! You are insane! Forget that." I gave him my best fiery glare, staring him down until he "switched off" the silly "bomb" and buried it in a pocket.

Duo's voice had an angry edge to it. "You gotta better way to cover your ass?"

I wanted out of there and started across the neighboring yard, putting distance between me and Lowe's place. "Yeah. I left a note he wrote saying he'd collected his things and gone with Relena for the time being. I _did_ have a plan." Heero's writing had been very shaky. I hoped Lowe would recognize it, accept it.

"Cool," he whispered.

Before I could tell him just how insane I thought he was, he signaled "quiet" with a finger to his lips and shot ahead, leading me to a gate. This he unlatched in silence, gesturing for me to pass through first, and then closed it quietly behind us. "Okay, then, you gotta car?"

"Yeah." _I hadn't walked the fuckin' five miles to get here_, I nearly added! I shoved any other words I had for him to the back of my head and listened for the sound of pursuit and only heard a dog barking in a yard one over. I had my bearings by that time and set out toward the old truck, sticking to the shadows. "And I'm going to it."

He skipped to keep up with me, but stayed low and quiet. "Can I catch a ride?"

"You don't have one of your own? You were following me, you said."

Now he went quiet and when I looked over at him he bit his lip and looked down, cocky attitude gone. "No car."

Not that I understood his problem, but I hardly cared at that point. I'd got what I had come for. Now, if I could only get it to Heero without getting caught. A door opened behind us and I nearly broke out in a run. His hand on my shoulder stopped me.

"Not him," he whispered.

I heard a jangle of chain and a dog bark and relaxed a tad. A couple of voices added up to "taking the pet for a walk". Weird hour for that, but I suppose it takes all kinds and some folks worked off-hours. I liked the feeling of having them between Lowe and us.

We reached the truck and I unlocked both doors, opening the passenger one first. "Stash the bag behind the seat," I told Duo as I went around to the driver's side and did the same with the bag I'd carried.

I noticed the dog walkers had crossed the street, hanging around a tree.

I heard another door and the shuffling of feet. Duo sucked in his breath and I could see the fear in his eyes before he closed the door, shutting off the interior light.

I didn't want to find out if that was Lowe or some neighbor next door. "Hurry! Get in!" I hissed.

The door edged back open for a split second and Duo dove into the passenger seat as I started the engine. I didn't need to warn him not to draw attention; he eased the door closed and slumped low in the seat. Heavy footfalls pounded the sidewalk coming our way. I pulled away from the curb, keeping my speed down, acting normal even though my heart was pounding and telling me to burn rubber out of there. Just to add to my anxiety, I glanced into my rear view mirror.

A dark form loomed at the side of the road.

"Fu—" I stifled the rest of my curse and throttled my heart rate. I knew it was only a trick of the shadows, but the figure appeared huge, growing in my imagination to GIANT stature. Where had he come from? Guilt and panic were about to run amok in my head when we reached the corner and a voice shocked me to attention. I'd nearly forgotten for a few seconds that I had a passenger.

"Go left then straight then turn into the Jiffy Market parking lot."

I did as he asked, and soon spotted the store front he meant. "I'd rather get going."

"Just ten seconds…twenty. I'm not going in."

I stopped out of the limelight and he popped out of the door, leaving it to swing shut, barely, enough to switch off the interior light, and then he disappeared around the back of the truck. I wondered what he was up to and considered just driving off, when he reappeared at the door and hopped in. He turned his face to me, saying, "Okay. Go out the opposite way and turn up the hill."

That's when I noticed the dark green tank top wadded in a fist diving into the pillowcase behind his seat.

"What's that about?"

"I covered your license plate when we loaded up. Just in case."

I hadn't thought of that. What if the GIANT had been Lowe and he'd gotten a good look at it and had traced it back to the circus? "Thanks." It made me reconsider Duo's background. Lock picks, "bombs", stealth techniques?

"Least I could do," he said as he fit himself comfortably into the seat, stretching out his legs a bit. He yanked at his hair and the ridiculously long braid re-emerged, snaking down his shoulder and across his lap.

He wasn't very tall, possibly even shorter than me now that I was scrutinizing him. Slim. Nice looking. That train of thought just annoyed me. "So, you lied," I said putting as much accusatory anger into it as I could manage.

"Sorry. It wasn't all a lie. I, well, I wasn't really following you. I was going to raid Heron's stuff to see if I could find a clue about what had happened to him and you just showed up. Pure coincidence."

I caught him sneaking looks at me from under his messy bangs. "And it was a new moon tonight. Dark and all. The rest was true. About Quat… and all."

What was the use of being mad at the strange guy? I wasn't sure I could hold that much passion for long anyway. I let it go with the breath I'd been holding. "Fine. So where do you live?"

"Officially? St. Helen's Orphanage until school's out. But don't take me there!" He grinned with a saucy wink. "Not at _this_ hour. Don't need to get written up again. You can drop me at Quat's, which is coming up pretty much when we get to the top of the hill."

That bit of news sent my brain in hyper drive. The orphanage? Duo was an orphan, too? Not one of the have-it-all crowd? I kept my eyes on the road. One more turn, another 100 feet altitude climb and I noticed the high iron fencing rising out of the concrete foundation—sturdy rods broken every fifty feet or so by an ornate "W".

"Here's good."

"I can get you closer to the house," I told him.

"Nah, don't want to wake the staff, right?" He chuckled and pulled on a pair of gloves from his jacket.

He was going to scale that fence! I could see a wire running along the top, so he had to know he'd set off some kind of alarm. He'd been a help to me tonight. I couldn't let him take such a chance.

"You can come stay with me—for the night," I told him.

I think that got to him because he twisted around all the way to look at me and his smile crooked. "Thanks, really, but he's actually expecting me." He pointed absently over a shoulder as he opened the door. "Security's off. Thanks, though. Oh, here-!" He handed me a scrap of paper. "Quat's cell."

"Uh-," I started to say something, but didn't know what.

"Give'im any encouraging rootaceaous vegetables, ya know? He's really worried. 'Kay?"

He waited there until I promised to think about calling his boyfriend then raced to the fence. The last I saw of him was the tip of his braid flying over the fence. I stuck around for ten minutes, waiting for someone to unleash the dogs or hit the sirens or something, but the place stayed dark and quiet.

I drove home with a cab-load of Heero's belongings and a head full of things to think about.

I hadn't driven very far when the quiet started nagging at me. _Was Duo okay? You just left him there._

"Aw, fucking hell," I groaned and braked to a stop.

I hated having a guilty and anxious conscious distracting me from my empty-minded contemplations. It would only get worse, probably beating me silly in my sleep later. Consequently, I decided not to fight it any longer. My cell phone had enough life for at least one call, so I tapped in the number scratched on the notepaper.

A tight voice answered, "Hello? Quatre Winner speaking."

I recognized his voice and even if he had phone ID, I'd identify myself too. "Trowa here. I—"

"Yes, it's Trowa!"

In the background I heard Duo crow, "I told you he would!"

"I just wanted to be sure he got-," I couldn't think of the right word.

"Duo's safe," Quatre said, supplying what I was missing. "Thank you for bringing him home. Are you-?"

"Fine." I felt embarrassed and was ready to hang up.

Again I heard Duo's throaty voice. He must have been standing ear to ear. "—and once 'Ron gets his cell recharged he'll call—"

Ron? Who was Ron? Oh, I got it. Ron was short for Heron. Fuck. I'd have to tell him why his best friend hadn't thought to get in touch for months after disappearing without a word.

Quatre spoke up. "Thank you for doing this for us. How is-?"

I cleared my throat, interrupting him. I didn't know who else might be listening in on our conversation. I'd kept Heero a secret for months and didn't want to blow it tonight.

Duo cackled. He must have been coming down from his own adrenalin rush. "And I told you he was more paranoid than 'Ron. Tell him it's safe to talk."

"Oh," Quatre said. "This is a secure line and no one can hear us. Duo told me that—what was the name?" he asked away from the phone.

"Heero," Duo called out.

Quatre came back on the line. "Sorry. Is Heero all right? Duo said he had an accident?"

"He fell and broke a lot of bones and, ah, lost his memory."

Quatre gasped, "Oh!" and I could hear Duo murmuring to him.

"He didn't call you, because right now he doesn't remember you." There I'd given him the worst of it. I heard a muffled cry and the sound of scraping and then Duo.

"Hey, it's me. Listen Quat's kinda upset. Anything good to leave him with tonight?"

I bet he had his hands full. I could hear sobbing now. "I'm training to take care of him so he can recover in my trailer. That's happening soon. He's talking, can see and hear and he's healing fast."

"Thanks, man. What's that Quat? Oh, okay, I'll ask. Say, is it okay if we save your number?"

No one but Wufei, Cathy, and the circus Ringmaster had my phone number. This was a real invasion. I had to think.

"Hey, I won't if bothers you. Just askin'—."

"Fine. It's okay. Thanks for asking. I, ah, have to get going."

"You bet. Thanks for checking up on me and all. Good thing you didn't call a few minutes later, we probably wouldn'ta answered, heh, heh."

I heard Quatre's scandalized shout, "Duo!" and then Duo's chuckle. "Well, we had a lotta fun, didn't we? Anytime you wanna try for more loot, call, okay?"

"Yeah, um, bye."

I went back to thinking about Heero, Lowe, the night, but this time I couldn't stop the corners of my mouth from turning up thinking about Duo Maxwell.

When I could see the hospital, I decided to stop. I knew I wasn't going to get in to see Heero in the middle of the night, but I wanted, somehow, to let him know I'd been successful. I drove around to the back parking lot and found his window. The shades were open, but it was too dark to see anything else. What I needed were a good pair of field glasses.

Thinking that way led me to remembering Heero's binoculars and then Heero's telescope. I hadn't seen either of those, but most likely he'd kept them in a closet or even the garage. Maybe Duo would know? I'd need to take the braided one up on that return trip offer.

I thought I saw movement through his window so in case Heero was awake and could see me I gave him an exaggerated thumbs up sign. That would have to do. I didn't want to get picked up by security with a truckload of stolen crap, plus the tension and late hour started to wear on me about then, so I headed for home.

I returned the truck and lugged Heero's crap to the caravan I'd called home for most of my remembered life. I guess my brain functioned better on adrenalin than rest, because I remembered to locate a free outlet and recharge his laptop. And his MP3 player. Nice shit. After that I tried not to think about much so I'd be able to crash and sleep.

This would have worked out pretty good, except that there was no Wufei in our trailer. I had my suspicions as to his whereabouts, and those were nothing I wanted to dwell on. I wasn't in the mood to think about him sleeping with my sister. Not on top of everything else I was trying to stomp down in order to stop my brain from spinning and get some rest. So, consciously I shut down.

My unconscious was another matter. It replayed my evening's terrors, the fright, the worry, and the shadowy figures, against a background of stored up resentments and insecurities about my friendship with Wufei and lack of friendships with the non-circus folk at the high school, and for good measure spiced it up with the rerun of the horror of watching someone I knew fall to his near-death. I hadn't had a bad dream in years, but this one packed a wallop.

This nightmare featured Heero falling past my out-stretched arms and splattering bloody guts dead, while Wufei and Duo rated my performance (poor) and Catherine and Quatre passed around refreshments. There was a calliope and a dog in a spacesuit in there someplace, too.

I remembered the dream, because I woke up immediately, and since I didn't want to chance a repeat performance, I got up after three hours of sleep. Woefully short of the rest I needed, I got through the morning chores in a blur, rushing to get done and see Heero.

I fed the animals the right foods, at least. I couldn't remember which tent was which and found myself staring at a bunch of clowns instead of the trapeze. Wonderful. I marched to the one next to that. One look at me and Catherine told me to leave the tent and wouldn't let me attempt the high wire. Good call. I wouldn't have hurt myself, but I might have looked ragged and given everyone else a bad impression of my competence.

I spotted my best friend showing off his Chinese swordsmanship. I wanted to avoid Wufei altogether. I was afraid of what I might say to him. He hadn't come to the trailer last night, validating my suspicions that he was sleeping with Catherine. I don't know why that bothered me. I liked him, admired him. I guess if he'd asked me if it was okay I would have even approved, but he hadn't said a thing to me.

Unless he _had_ and I'd been so wrapped up in Heero I hadn't listened? Had I even bothered to care about anything anyone had tried to talk to me about for months? The answer to that: probably not.

Now I felt like a jerk. Catherine had her new place, probably had gotten it with him in mind, and I'd missed being a part of that decision-making process. I had no right to expect more when I wasn't willing to give more. I needed the few good relationships I had, so I needed to make things right between us. I needed to try being a friend to Wufei.

I needed to stop talking to myself and talk to him!

I sought him out on my way out to borrow a truck and found him instructing some newbie clown about proper sword technique.

"Better pay attention, Al," I told Alonzo the "Loco Latin" clown, "Chang's an authority."

I meant the compliment, and Wufei must have known it. He shot me a genuine smile, and then my best ally on the planet said, "I did inform Al of my accomplishments, the awards and achievements I had received from my clan for my swordsmanship, but since swallowing the damned sword wasn't one of them, he chose to nearly cut off his hand rather than pay attention."

"I didn't want anything too fancy!" the kid said defensively.

"Don't confuse skill with show," I said.

"Or aptitude with flair," Wufei tagged on.

"You done here?" I asked him, hoping to have a minute to talk. I didn't mean to tick him off, but I did.

"Do I look done? If he can follow instructions, I might have him ready to practice the sword act he and Zack must master in two days. I have only half an hour to do this and I'm wasting it talking to you!"

"Hey…sorry." I backed off knowing I had already cost him time having to do my chores and cover my hours. He had every reason to be mad at me.

His eyes drilled into mine another heartbeat, and then his expression softened. "My apologies-"

I didn't let him finish something he didn't really mean. "No… no…it's okay. You owe me nothing, but I owe you. I haven't been too communicative lately."

"Are you ever?" he said, chuckling.

"I just wanted to say it's, you know, you and my sis… it's okay- all right?"

We stared at each other a few seconds longer. Yeah, he knew what I meant about him and Catherine. He nodded brusquely and said, "You honor me."

"Feeling's mutual."

I left him with that thought, detoured to my trailer to grab the bag containing Heero's computer stuff, and then loaded the truck and took off for the hospital.

The sky was blue and cloudless, birds were singing, flowers scented the air. A fine day. I might have been humming a tune when I walked into the building; I felt that good.

A harried-looking nurse's aide saw me and cried out, "He's here!"

I had a moment of fight-or-flight consideration.

A doctor appeared out of nowhere and blocked my exit, so I stayed to fight. "I just got here," I explained. "Is he okay?"

"He's…"

I hated pauses where doctors judged your ability to take the truth. "Is he **all** **right**?" I repeated more carefully.

"He's distressed and dislodged several of his monitoring devices. He's finding it frustrating, being unable to do things or remember things. The loss of physical and mental function caused by neurological impairment leads to new problems."

"You mean that as he regains more of his mental facilities, he becomes aware of his shortcomings."

"Something like that, except we call them 'disabilities'." The good doctor relaxed a little and walked with me to Heero's room. "For example, his decreased ability to interact with others in socially acceptable ways, his inability to walk, his inability to manipulate objects, and his inability to process and retain information—"

"He seems to remember what I tell him. I don't see any problem with his thinking ability," I told the man. "So, can I go see him?"

"Yes. He's been calling for you. I hope your presence will have a calming influence over him. He's refusing medication; he tore out the IV's."

"Sounds like he's getting better to me and wants to start doing stuff," I said. "I would if I were lying there all the time."

So, yeah. I found Heero in a bad mood, glaring out the window. I noticed new bandages where he'd torn skin ripping out needles. "Ouch."

"Fuckers want to keep me drugged all the time," he growled.

"They like complacent patients," I agreed.

His frown deepened and I waited him out for a minute, watching the tension slowly drain from his features. His eyes sought out mine, and I noticed a flicker of interest. "You were successful last night. I saw you."

I held up the bag and gave it a pat. "Yeah."

"My computer."

I helped him sit straighter and open the laptop. "Battery's charged."

"Hn." He tapped it to wakefulness.

I stood back, moved to the window, and let him entertain himself. I could see typing one-handed was frustrating him, but until the left arm was out of traction, there wasn't much I could do. Wufei had warned me that sometimes a head-injured patient must learn new ways to do simple routine tasks—such as how to button a shirt or tie a shoe with one hand, or how to compensate for memory loss by using a logbook or calendar. Helping Heero write that note to Lowe had been a trial. I wasn't sure how to help him with a computer. If it were me I'd want to fumble alone and not be fussed over.

I determined he was having a problem when he hissed. I turned his way as he curled his fingers into a fist. "I'm locked out of files with passwords I no longer remember."

Well, at least he could type. "Would you have saved them someplace? Written them down?"

"I don't _know_."

Ah, the memory problem. "We got a few data sticks," I said as I searched the bottom of the bag. I'd made a point of gathering them from Duo's pillowcase hoard. "Yeah, here."

"We?"

Ah. "You want the long story or the short?"

"Short."

Naturally. "I ran into Duo Maxwell, a friend of yours, and he helped me find your stuff. He'd been at your house before." And sneaked in and out before, too; at least, he seemed to perform like an experienced entry-and-escape man by the way he knew his way around.

"Duo."

I interpreted his scrunched up expression to mean he couldn't attach a face to the name, so I shed some light on him. "Funny guy with long hair in a braid past his ass and a boyfriend named Quatre, who was your best friend, until you suddenly disappeared."

He gestured for the memory stick and shook his head.

I plugged one in, not wanting to watch him hit and miss about with it. "Seemed like nice guys."

"Hn."

"I brought you some clothes and your phone recharger."

"I don't recommend you use that," came a voice from the door. In walked, surprise, surprise, Wufei. "I rushed over to tell you, warn you. As soon as it is activated again you can be found. The same goes for that," meaning the computer. "Your IP address can be traced once you get on the internet, and if the law gets into the loop, then your actual physical location can be found."

Heero was frowning now, having gone beyond frustration straight to anger. "I _know_ that. I just can't remember certain things: people, events. _Facts _I know." He pounded his hand on the bed. "I'm so weak. I can't hold on to anything! If I could just glue the mouse to my hand-!"

"I can solve that problem." Wufei exited the room smoothly, leaving his words floating there without support.

"So," I said to fill in the gap, "I've left your clothes at my place, all except this one set I'll store here for you to go home in." I didn't say how he might not be able to get into the jeans or shirt if he was still in casts.

"Thanks."

We avoided eye contact for a few minutes until Wufei came back, toting medical tape.

"First, I'll attach the laptop to the tray, so it doesn't fall off," he said, doing just that as he spoke. He criss-crossed the corners and above and below the keyboard, until the computer was stable.

"May I?" Wufei touched the stiff fiberglass casing around his arm.

"Yes." Heero let him bind the mouse to his cast and around his thumb a few times. "That's enough. I can't drop it now."

He still looked hugely unhappy.

"Is the binding uncomfortable?" Wufei asked him.

"It doesn't matter," Heero muttered. "I want to leave this place, but they won't let me go. They may never let me go if I can't get control over my body. I can't even feed myself," he added with a look of disgust.

"In most cases, patients are discharged from the hospital once you demonstrate you will be safe in the home," Wufei said. "I'm certain we can all conspire to prove that."

Conspire? Was he suggesting we deceive the staff he respected so much? I wasn't sure where this particular Wufei had reincarnated from, or if he believed in that particular form of ancestor rebirthing, or if I was happy to have him butting in on my time with Heero. He didn't give me the chance to kick him out.

"Trowa, would you get us both a cup of tea and one for yourself, if you want it?" He handed me a credit chip, a cheap smile, and a "get out" gesture.

"Sure," I said to cover up for how uncomfortable I felt rather than as an act of compliance.

He obviously wanted Heero to himself. What he had to say to him must have been about me or he wouldn't have cared if I'd listened. I wasn't thrilled to be talked about to my face or behind my back; still, I left to the snack bar, which was closed, conveniently, meaning I had to wait in line at the hospital cafeteria two floors up. Wufei was smart to plan a scenario that would maximize his one-on-one time with Heero.

I passed on a drink for myself. No amount of caffeine was going to do anything more than give me the jitters. I was so short on sleep from my night's activity and early morning workouts and chores, that even an empty gurney sitting outside a room looked inviting. _Would anyone notice an extra body lying about_, I wondered?

I juggled the cups to free one hand for opening the door and entered with the feeling that they'd been talking right up until I stepped in.

"No one wanted sugar, right?" I asked this, perfectly willing to turn around and go back to get a couple packets just to have an excuse not to be there with them staring at me.

"No."

"No."

They even made similar faces, like I'd insulted them or something.

"You look like shit."

"Thanks," I told Heero, feeling a bit hurt at the same time I knew I felt like shit so why not look like it, too. "You've told me that before."

"Go home, Trowa." This Heero said in the gentlest tone I'd ever heard from him.

I wanted to hear him talk to me in that way again. I wanted to lick his face, what I could reach, or something else primal. A cat would purr. I had no idea how to express myself.

Wufei took the Styrofoam beverage containers out of my hands and set his aside while he poured Heero's into a special "sippy" cup. "My _cousin_ and I are enjoying a nice afternoon together. Why don't you take advantage of that and get some rest?"

Huh?

"It's fine," Heero said. "He's knowledgeable concerning computer technology and can help me get things set up here. He's already taken the stored phone numbers off my cell phone."

"He's keeping the memory chip, but we've bought him a cell phone with a new, unlisted number," Wufei informed me. The "we" being him and my sister, I assumed.

This all sounded so reasonable that I really couldn't argue without sounding like a stubborn, sulky child. Besides, they'd both formed a solid front against me. I was voted out two to one.

I made that three to none.

"Yeah, well, okay," I felt for the truck keys and found them in the pocket I expected to find them. "I'll, um, catch you later then."

"Tomorrow. Come tomorrow," Heero said.

I nodded and left. I was grateful to have a friend like Wufei and then I was a little jealous about sharing Heero with him. Weird.

(o)

When I came to see Heero the next day, he was busy on his laptop.

"Hi," I said.

"Hn." He was pretty much involved in his one-handed typing.

"You're getting good at that," I told him.

"I have the details figured out now," he said vaguely.

I let him type until he was ready to talk. I enjoyed watching him. More of the bandages had been removed from his head, revealing dark bruising- _still_. His hair had grown out and looked even more untamed than in the past, and sexier. His hand stopped typing and smoothed over the stubble shadowing his jawline. My concentration drifted a little as I imagined my hand doing that. My desire to reach out and touch him was crazy intense.

"Would you like help shaving?" I asked. I could hardly contain my excitement.

His eyes shot up to meet mine, speaking of intense. What a look! And then his eyelids dropped. "Yes, that would be a relief. It doesn't grow fast, but it itches."

This room had a sink, but no bathroom. Maybe they didn't think he'd ever be able to get out of bed. There were disposable supplies for tooth brushing and shaving, so I used what was available. After tucking a towel under his chin, I worked up a little lather and started on one side. I hadn't considered how intimate close contact like this would be. I tried to think about clowns, helping one with his makeup, in order to control my urge to kiss him.

I'd scraped one side and had to rinse the razor at the sink. He used the break to talk. "You met a guy named Duo who'd been a friend of mine? He told you that?" Heero asked.

"Yeah. He seemed sincere. He had plenty of ways to have turned on me, but he didn't. I'd say he was honest."

"Tell me more about him. You said he'd been on familiar terms with my house."

I ran the razor over the other side, careful of the curves and hollows of his face. I decided not to mention Duo's stunning, violet-colored eyes and blood-pressure-raising smile. No reason to go there when I barely had control over myself in close proximity to a pair of heart-attack blue eyes and beckoning, plump lips. I really had to get a grip, so I imagined a thin rope out in front of me and a long, deadly fall if I wavered, and found my concentration improve instantly.

"Oh, he made no secret of having been there before and probably had to exit unseen and in a hurry more than a few times from the way he bounded out the window and out the back way. He knew the neighborhood dogs and lot perimeters."

Heero gave me an appraising look, which if he thought I was going to admit the guy was attractive then he had another thing coming. I could hide my feelings with the best of them, once I had my focus in charge and emotions under wrap.

"And you gave him a ride home?" he questioned further.

I considered joking with him and telling not until after we fooled around and had a ride of a different sort, just to see his reaction, but decided not to test the boundaries of our new friendship that far.

"Not exactly. Duo didn't have a car or, frankly, much of his own from what he let on. He lives at the orphanage, he said, but not for much longer. I guess they kick the kids out when they get too old."

"That isn't bad if they all get trained for jobs first."

"Guess so."

"So where did you take him?"

I held his chin in place while I shaved his upper lip. "I dropped him at his boyfriend's place. Fancy gated place. I wonder how they sort out who pays for what, seeing as how rich Quatre is?" This last part I was mostly saying to myself, not expecting Heero to voice his opinion. As soon as I went over to rinse the razor again he did, though.

"Quatre. You said that he claims to have been my best friend? And I don't even recognize his name!"

"Want to talk to him?" I knew that Wufei had taken off the numbers Heero had used before dumping the old memory card so his calls couldn't be traced. He had the new phone. "He might help with those passwords, if you haven't found them yet."

"I haven't made any progress."

He appeared to be thinking over the phone call, so I thought to give him a chance at privacy. "I'm done here after I wipe you clean. I can leave if you want."

"No. Stay. I might need…something."

It never ceased to amaze me at how good he could make me feel. Just feeling needed gave me a glow inside. I wiped off the shaving cream lingering around the edges with a warm washcloth and knew from his expression how good he was feeling.

I put the phone in his hand and cast about for the list of numbers.

"I memorized them all," he said with a touch of pride. "There is nothing wrong with my short-term memory."

"Good." That, I felt, was an excellent sign that he was healing fast. Then I remembered the number Duo had jotted. "Wait, use this one. Quatre said it would go through a secure line."

"Smart." He read off the numbers and placed the call. We both waited a few moments. "Hello. Yes, this is…Heero."

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 8**

Those few words to Quatre started a long conversation, mostly on the other end. Heero didn't say too much, but he listened. I didn't catch enough to follow the threads until near the end, when Heero needed me to write some notes for him.

"Thank you. I got all that. Yes. I'll call again. Yes. Good bye."

His faint smile told me more than he knew.

"You remember him now?" I asked to be sure.

"Not remember as much as recall good impressions. I feel I can trust him."

"That's good. I felt the same way. So, what are these numbers for?"

They turned out to be related to IP addresses.

Apparently, Quatre didn't like or trust Heron's guardian, although he wouldn't explain the why of it over the phone. So that Odin Lowe couldn't trace his computer's IP address to the hospital, Heero was to use one Quatre's proxies.

"Uh, huh." I was lost. I was mostly out of the technology loop.

"One networked device talks to the next using an IP (Internet Protocol) address. It's as unique to a computer as a fingerprint is to people. The downside of this inter-connectedness is that a logical location provided by the IP address is an open arms invitation to attack or invasion."

"Quatre thinks Lowe could find you?"

"Yes. Anyone having this computer's IP address could use Geotool and a Firefox add-on to get one-click access to detailed locations and web server information."

"No kidding?" Anyone? Not, me, obviously, but someone like Lowe.

"Of course, places like this hospital have routers for everyone to connect to the Internet. It's the router that assigns a private IP address, so what the outside world actually sees the IP address assigned to the router and that is the address that these programs use to figure out where you live. To go beyond that and actually nail this hospital down would require the law to be in the loop, unless you had connections, and Quatre believes Lowe has many, many connections. He thinks that Lowe will have been monitoring all the hospitals as well as the computer IP's of my friends for computer communications to trace back."

"Fuck!" This was complicated, but Wufei had been aware of those possibilities and warned us the night before, and both Quatre and Heero seemed able to take steps to cover up everything. "So how are these numbers going to stop him?"

"My temporary plan is to hide behind a proxy server."

"Um, sure." Whatever that meant. "Proxy is a stand in, I know that."

"Yeah. Proxies act as a computer between your computer and the rest of the web. When you are surfing the web through a proxy, any web servers you connect to, actually think you are connecting from the proxy computer. In addition, the more proxies, the better, and Winner Corporation, which Quatre's tangled up with, has many open and available for just this service."

"Oh, that's good then."

"Very good."

And I felt my entire body go into a melt from the warmth of his smile. How did he do that? I wondered if I could learn to do that, or something like that to let him know how I felt about him? Then I froze up, wondering if I'd already given myself away.

The nurse interrupted us (saved me) at that moment with a tray of small bowls. "Snack time! Maybe your friend, Trowa, here would like to help you with your eating?"

"Sure," I said, hoping he didn't mind.

"All right, but only if you leave and let me do this my way," Heero told her.

She seem reluctant at first, but I assured her I'd let him do the work and try eating everything. I gathered that the doctor's felt it was more important that he learn to feed himself than actually eat. After that, she showed me what to do, pushed a pamphlet into my hands, and left us to it.

This would begin a new "program" for Heero and me, building up _his _skills so that he could care for himself, and training _me_ to be his "caregiver" once he got home. As I looked over the folded summary of steps, I concluded that we both had a lot to learn.

"What does it say?" he asked.

I left it face up on his bed as I removed the tape that attached the mouse to his hand so he could grip the spoon.

"It outlines what we do before they send you home with me and Wufei."

"Hn. If I had the other arm free I could do… most things, once I practiced."

Like going to the bathroom, my mind filled in. That would be a touchy situation. I wasn't sure how far friendship would let us take that one.

"Yeah. So here." I held the spoon so he could grip the handle correctly and saw immediately that I'd need to hold the tiny bowl of pudding still so he wouldn't have to chase it around the tray.

"I can't believe I have to learn to eat," he grumbled. He grip wasn't good and he dropped the spoon twice before scooping any pudding, but eventually he had it in his mouth. "That was lame," he concluded.

"Yeah, but you couldn't have done that a week or so ago, so it's progress. Try the fork."

"Chopsticks," he said, then looked directly at me and smiled. "I ate rice with chopsticks, not a fork. That just came to me."

"That so?" I smiled back. "Well, I'll let Wufei teach us both then, since I've never had the knack of them."

That seemed to please him, knowing he might master that trick before me. Anything positive helped move him forward. We progressed a little until he became both tired and frustrated enough to toss the tray overboard.

I set it aside, not knowing what to do next because he seemed agitated, definitely not in the mood to start something new. On cue, the nurse returned to take away the tray. "Good job, boys!"

"Yeah, well. It's a start," I said, mostly to save him the trouble.

"A very good one. You do so well together, I think next time you're here," she smiled at me until I couldn't stand it, so I blinked. "Next time, you can take on bathing him, don't you think?"

Oh, I could do that. "Sure." No problem. Bare skin contact. No problem at all.

Oh. Fuck.

I glanced over at Heero and he looked as startled as me.

Yeah. That would make it easy to sleep that night, imagining my hands on his naked body. Yeah.

(o)

I should have expected it, but I didn't and was taken aback at first to see Catherine and Wufei seated, waiting with cups of tea for me to enter my trailer.

"Hey," I said in greeting. "Like old times?" I didn't mean anything by that. It had just been something to say, but it set off my sister crying.

She flung her arms around my neck and I let her hang there. "Oh, Triton."

I even didn't correct her use of the name. It had been her little brother's name, about all she remembered of him before they were parted at the death of her parents. She started calling me that the moment we met at the circus. I didn't really mind. I didn't know my true name anyway. I used a lost boy's name for years. Coming up with the name Trowa Barton came later as a gift from the Ringmaster.

Her reverting to my childhood name meant that she was was pretty sad. Wufei wasn't helping. He simply sipped at his tea and looked over the rim out the smudgy window.

That left the talking up to me. _Me_! "It's okay. Really. Don't be…sad." Or did I mean upset? I wasn't sure, but saying something seemed to help, because she let me loose after a final, tight little squeeze.

"I tried to tell you about us."

About her and Wufei, I assumed. "I know," I told her. "I just missed the clues- that's all."

"You always were that way. You never have been good with feelings and personal things," she told me, as if I wasn't aware of my own head.

"I know. It's just the way I am, I guess." I preferred the conversation when it was about them rather than me, so I tried to turn it around. "So, ah—" and failed.

"It always worried me that you might never connect with others and find someone special. You never seemed interested in any of the other kids."

"Not the girls, you mean," I said, putting the emphasis where it belonged.

"Well, girls especially, yes." She sniffed a little more. "It's been so strange. Nice, but strange. I mean, how you've been so … considerate and shown interest in Heero's well-being. But then you lost all rationality and became so singularly focused on him."

"Sorry to cut you out," I supplied, stung a little by the "irrational' assessment. I'd never been irrational! Single-minded? Maybe.

"From one extreme to the other," was Wufei's only comment.

"Since he couldn't speak for himself, I felt he needed me there more," I said.

"He did, possibly, at one time, but not at the present," she said.

The entire meeting irritated me now. "How can you really comprehend what he does or doesn't need?" I stood to leave, since they appeared settled in until they'd had their say.

"I didn't mean to upset you," my sister said.

"Yeah, well… Listen, I'm aware of my superfluous-ness. Wufei was with him the other evening and I was home, sleeping, so I know I don't have to be there all the time. But I've been doing my share of work at the circus, and practicing, too. I've been trying!"

"I know that, and you're not superfluous. Don't be that way." Catherine was holding back what she really feared to say or face, which by now I'd figured concerned my sexual orientation. Well, no surprise there. I didn't feel like talking about that with them. I didn't even snap back, "what way?" because that would be like me saying I wanted her to introduce the topic.

Wufei, however, didn't need an invitation. Persistent fucker wouldn't give up. "I feel the need to bring closure to the subject," he began. "What disturbs Cathy the most is how, after waiting for you to come out of your shell, you choose to do it for a near-stranger- _of the same sex_."

There it was.

My turn. "What do you want me to say? Want me to admit I saved his life and broke all kinds of regulations bringing him to the circus hospital because… I have the hots for him? Is that what you're waiting for? Okay, well… I said it and it might even be partly true. I'm attracted to other men, _some_ other men. Satisfied?"

"No! I mean, well, a little," Catherine muttered.

Wufei had more to say. "I have to admit it's been a surprise to me, something to overcome, and then on the other hand, mutual concern for you did draw _us _together," he said looking into Catherine's eyes, not at me.

"Talking about me behind my back brought you together?" I asked.

Catherine jumped to his defense. "I was confused by you and so was Wufei. Yes, we consoled one another and fell in love."

"Glad to help." I shrugged, tired of what felt like an inquisition. "And believe it or not, I've had my share of... interactions before. I just don't go talking about them, or anything."

"Oh, Trowa, don't leave this way!"

"I need the space." And I didn't feel particularly sorry about leaving. And, yeah, I noted the use of my current name.

Wufei was last to say, "Let him go."

Then I left my own trailer to take a walk. It was true, I'd experimented a little, some kissing, mostly. Except for one girl, when I was really young, my interactions had been with older men. Nothing remotely romantic or bordering on it and nothing beyond touching, but I hadn't been a total recluse.

As I marked time with my footfalls, I started feeling the gloom lift from my head. I actually felt better getting that all out on the table that way. My best friend was living with my sister and I was gay. All out there. No more hiding or pretending it wasn't true.

That was good for me, but what of them? I hadn't stuck around to get a good read on their reactions. If I lost my best friend, his respect, his support, and my sister's affection, I wasn't sure my bold "coming out" was worth it. I wasn't sure of anything right then. My head buzzed, I felt sick, and my mood slipped into the darkness again.

When I got back to my trailer, they were gone, cups washed and put away. I felt relieved not to have to talk anymore. Unfortunately, it left me alone with my own thoughts and that was never good when I was down. I had feelings and fears, my worst being that Heero would get better and leave me_. That nothing would change._ He'd be gone, back to his friends and a new life, and I'd still be here, at the circus, paying off the debt.

Alone.

I couldn't hold it back any longer. The oncoming wave of despair swept over me, swamping my senses, obliterating my thoughts for another night.

At least I slept.

My black moods left me wasted the next day, weak and with no appetite. I didn't leave my bed, my trailer until late and then only to care for the animals. I didn't answer my phone or the door when Wufei came around to walk with me to the practice tent. Most notably, I didn't visit Heero for the first time.

I felt bad about missing him. Heero had nothing to do but wait for me to come around. And mess with his laptop. He needed me to practice his skills. Guilt plagued me enough so that when midnight came around, I drove to the hospital, jimmied his window open, and climbed in.

The room wasn't entirely dark. Ambient light shown from the partially opened outer door and from the network of machinery still inhabiting his room like not-so-fantastic space aliens.

"Where _were _you?" he asked. I knew his voice so well that I could tell he was hiding his worry with a harsh tone.

"I-I wasn't feeling well." It was the truth, so I wasn't sure why I was nervous telling him. I turned away from that glare of his, even though I could barely make it out in the dim light, and lowered the window. "My sister and Wufei are dating- I guess that's one way to put it. They'd moved into another caravan together a few days ago and I'd missed what was going on—"

"Because of me."

"Yeah, some, but mostly because of me- the way I am about things. I'm not very sociable."

"You seem fine to me."

"Ah, well," I couldn't fight the smile that curled my lips. "Doesn't say much for your standards."

"So why weren't you well enough to come here?" he just had to ask.

"Upset stomach. Must have been something I ate." It would do. "But I didn't want you to think I'd skipped out on you or anything, and I feel fine now, so I had to come and let you know that I hadn't forgotten and I was okay."

"Didn't have to. I'm not a baby." He sounded petulant.

I hoped he was going to let me off the hook this time and not pressure me for particulars. He didn't need to know how I'd neglected so many things to care for him, or how I felt about him or how moody I could be.

"I know. So, what did I miss?"

"Oh. You didn't miss much. The _bath_ was delayed until tomorrow."

Fuck. I'd forgotten about that. Of course, he probably thought that was why I hadn't come. "I'll be back to do it. I need to learn how to help you."

"You'd better go," he said, followed by a long expressive sigh.

As much as I wanted to avoid it, tonight just seemed to be the night for plain talk. "I know you don't want my help, but I'm the one to do it just the same."

"It's not that."

Then what? I decided I needed to do something to place us on a more equal footing and give him some control. Now, I'm not the most spontaneous of people, but I imagined what Duo would do about the awkward situation, and it gave me this crazy idea. He had a friendly way about him and a nice boyfriend. He knew something about social interactions. More than me. He'd do something grand to make a point. So, strangely, I gave it a try.

I tore off my shirt and was toeing my shoes off when Heero choked out, "Wha-at are you doing?"

When I got to my pants he'd figure it out for himself, so I just kept removing clothes until I was stark naked. I wore revealing costumes as part of my act and shared my trailer for years, so I wasn't particularly body shy. Still, this felt a little extreme.

He was awfully quiet.

My brain functions were catching up to my spontaneity. I was going to regret this. "Now we'll be even," I explained, "when I bathe you and all."

"Oh."

If he was going to say more, he was interrupted when we both heard the footfalls coming down the hall.

"Shit!"

I didn't have time to dress. I barely had time to gather my clothes and tuck them and me inside the tiny closet before the night nurse padded in. I'd closed the window, but neglected to shut the door, so now here I was naked, shut in a stuffy but not warm closet.

"Is everything all right in here? I heard voices."

"Yes," Heero answered with a clear snicker.

He didn't offer any explanation and I could hear the nurse shuffling around, checking his connections.

"Everything seems to be all right. I was warned you might try to dislodge the monitors."

"Hn."

"Oh! What are these shoes doing here?"

I'd left them, obviously.

"I like them there."

"They are in the way. I'll just put them away." In the closet, naturally.

"No! No, don't. I like them that way. It looks homey." And then his voice changed, a little softer. "More like my own room. Please? Leave them."

Like him or not, all the staff felt sorry for the boy who'd nearly died and had only a couple of cousins to look in on him.

"Well, all right. I'll leave them where you can see them by the window, but not in the walkway where someone can trip over them."

"Thanks."

I waited long enough to make sure she'd left hearing range before making my entrance again. All the embarrassment hit me now - that should have flared up earlier in time to stop me from doing such an inane thing as stripping naked in front of Heero to make him feel we were somehow "equal" later when I was to bathe him. My face burned in the dim light as I stepped out and found a leg hole in my jeans. The first thing on my agenda was to get dressed under his glaring countenance, which turned to muffled laughter.

"That was fucking hilarious. _What _were you thinking?" he asked.

"Obviously, I just acted without much thinking involved," I grumbled, back turned. I wasn't sure when I could look him in the eye again.

"I'll let you know if it helps tomorrow."

"Yeah? Well, hope it was worth it, I guess."

"It was worth it," he said in a quiet voice.

I still couldn't check out his expression, instead, I hesitated over putting on my shoes. "What will the nurse think if the shoes aren't here next time she checks?"

"Unless she's especially curious, she won't come by again; someone else will."

"Oh. Well, there could always be the mystery of the missing shoes. Or I can leave out this old pair of yours?"

"Don't bother."

That comment drew my attention and in spite of my earlier indignity, I turned to meet his eyes.

"One thing about head injuries," he said, "is I can always say I don't remember and no one questions me." His smile looked both wistful and sly, depending on how I wanted to take it.

"Yeah." I opened the window.

As I lowered myself to the ground, I'm sure I heard him say, "I won't forget."

I certainly didn't forget that night even though I had plenty of activities to fill my mind, most importantly, learning to give him a bath. This didn't turn out to be as sexy an event as it sounded, not with the nurse guiding me every step of the way. Yeah, nothing like clinical observations in over-voice to kill a mood. There were bandages to keep dry, plastic wrappings for the casts, and washing his hair was a beast. Occasionally, I found sores that needed medicating, which meant he needed to be moved about more often. I felt bad that I couldn't be there to do more for him, but he wasn't much for sympathy.

His cock remained unresponsive, but I knew it had to be the drugs; at least, I hoped it wasn't some kind of permanent nerve damage. I didn't ask and he didn't say anything. We let it lie limply between us, making a more telling statement in that way.

I could tell how he hated the invasion of his privacy, yet loved the way he felt, being clean, when it was over. I learned how to massage little-used muscles—what he called the best part—and scratch itches to his heart's content.

I learned toileting and turning, and then discovered better ways to do it all that let Heero do more of the work. Sure it tired him out, but he needed things to do and he had to learn to do the most basic things for himself. As much as I liked having him depend on me, it was a good thing we'd worked toward his independence, because things were about to change the routine.

(o)

Changes began when Wufei ran into me by the lions' cage. He knew my routines well.

"Do you have a moment?" he asked stiffly.

"Sure." I wiped my free hand on my jeans. "What's up?"

"Two things. First, I'm not avoiding you because you told me you are gay."

"I didn't think you were." I _had_, but I didn't want to admit it now.

"You never acted… strange around me, so I have no reason to think—"

I didn't want to hear him choke out some awkward euphemism for me ever being attracted to him, so I cut him off. "That's right. I'd like to think things don't have to change. It's only Heero that I… think of that way. Was there something else?"

He gave me a curt nod. "Since Cathy has no living father, I feel it is my duty to ask you."

"Me? For what?"

"I'm getting to that!" he snapped.

"O-kay."

He was nervous as hell, I could tell. I just waited until he was ready and then he blurted out, "I want to do the right thing. I want to marry Cathy and I'd like your blessing. We both would."

I didn't drop the bucket of meat parts. I set it down slowly first. "You're asking me for permission? You don't need to."

He held back a disdainful comment. I could tell from his pursed-lip expression. "Of course we don't! I was being respectful."

That made me chuckle. "Catherine made you do it. That's so… _cute_." I used that word purposefully to get a rise out of him.

It made him scowl, then smile. "Just wait until you do something _thoughtful_ for Heero," he threatened.

"Uh," I groaned, feeling beat. "I take it back." I gave him a one-armed hug, a brief one, then stood back. "Thanks for asking. Tell her you did it all proper and all and that I wished you both much happiness. I mean it."

That made us both blush and part ways quickly before we puked, or at least he did. Heh, heh…

So Wufei's news and strange behavior had only been a small bump in the schedule of my life's events.

The circus was opening for the summer and I had to work afternoons and evenings. I hated the thought of leaving Heero with so many uninterrupted hours of boredom without me keeping him company. A solution came in the form of a phone call.

Actually, I'd been expecting Winner to call me ever since he got my number. I had to give him credit for showing extreme restraint in waiting this long to ask to see Heero.

"The circus community required that I have a visitor's pass and hoped you would be there to vouch for me," he said. "But I truly hoped you'd want this for him."

"I think it's a good idea," I told him. I think I surprised him by not arguing. "The doctors say having him see people from his past might help him regain his memories." I did want Heero to have his friends back. I was only a little worried about losing him to them- maybe _a lot,_ but I couldn't keep him to myself forever, that wouldn't be fair to him.

I still felt resentful. Heero was mine.

"Has he asked to see me?" Winner asked, sounding unsure of where he stood, too.

"No, but he doesn't ask for much at all."

It turned out that Heero had started emailing Winner a few days before. _He_ was ready to meet his old "best" friend. I didn't know how _I_ felt about Heero meeting up with his old best friend, his very cute, gay, nice friend.

Jealousy was an ugly thing to tackle, especially when he had his trusty side-kick, Guilt, for back up. Heero might improve faster with more interaction, especially from friends and family. This could do him some good!

But.

Every time I conjured up Winner's face, I used it as a mental punching bag and it exploded before I could confront it. So, I guess I _did_ know how I felt about the meeting, and I really didn't like how I was feeling. I also didn't like this 'get to know your feelings' shit at all.

Before, I'd kept my feelings bottled up where they belonged, not flailing about out in the open like they seemed to be now. I'd come to accept how Wufei and my sister had gotten together. I'd come to accept my attraction for Heero. I wasn't excited about coping with my mixed emotions when it came to sharing Heero with his old friends.

I arranged for passes to allow them past the front gate this one time and agreed to meet them outside the hospital. Wufei and I drove over together. Winner and his long-haired boyfriend were already there, waiting.

Wufei reached out and shook first Quatre and then Duo's hand, "Chang Wufei."

Duo grabbed the hand and waggled it with a smile. "Chang? I'm Duo."

"Call him Wufei," I clarified.

"You are Trowa's friend," Quatre said. "Nice to meet you."

The two shook hands and I felt my world tilt again. A new friend and an old—worlds collided.

Wufei was all business this day. "I thought I'd try to prepare you for what you are going to find, suspecting that Trowa wouldn't have."

Prepare them for what, I wondered?

"I lost… a great deal of family and friends in an attack on our clan."

I'd known about this, of course, but what he had to say next was mostly new and the fact that he was revealing something so intimate to strangers shocked me to silence, not that anyone would know the difference.

"Members of my family were mortally injured in the first bombing on our clan's village. I visited them in the hospital and I'll never forget the monitors everywhere keeping them alive."

Like when I'd first seen Heero. It had been Wufei who had gotten me through those first viewings. He was explaining why he could do that now, and it hurt to think I'd never asked him for the story before. I wondered who the people were, how close, but didn't even consider asking. Would he have told me if we were alone?

Was it getting easier for him? I hoped so.

"I was thrilled when someone's eyes opened, it meant to me that 'this person is alive!', but when those eyes would look at me," the hitch in his voice upset me more than what he was saying. I could tell that he was reliving a terrible moment. "There was this chilling lack of recognition."

Winner reached out to touch his arm. He looked as if he was suffering right along with him. And Wufei let him! He accepted the compassion of a near-stranger. Why hadn't I ever been able to do that?

"We spoke, but the personality was gone. It was as if the person had already died and another person had returned in the broken body."

"Oh, Wufei—" the blond said, tears welling in his eyes.

"Those that passed… I was glad their fight was over." Wufei turned his dark look onto the pale, sensitive guy.

Duo moved to step in should things get dicey. He cut to the chase. "I get it. You're saying to expect to meet our bud rebooted and that he might be different. Right?"

"Yes."

"Let's go find out." Duo pushed his blond boyfriend into the room, while still talking, his voice getting louder. "Go on. We know he won't bite. He can't even walk, heh, heh."

"Duo!" Winner gasped and stood looking him awkwardly. "That's not funny."

"It is," Heero told them. "I'm desensitized by now."

"Her—" Winner caught his error before saying the old name. "I'm sorry! Heero, I, ah... hello." I noticed he wasn't going to let Heero show them he didn't know their names, and just rolled into polite introductions. "I'm Quatre and this is Duo."

Duo waltzed over to the bed, arms spread in a way that made me think he might break out into a musical number. He didn't; instead, he seemed fascinated by the traction devices. "Whoa! I'd be turned on _hot_ if I was into S&M, _seriously_."

Winner looked aghast at his boyfriend's audacity and blushed like crazy. "Duo!"

"It's like a torture chamber," Duo went on unfazed. "Am I right?"

I thought Heero might be stunned, but he appeared more amused. "Yes."

Duo pretended to tickle Heero's exposed toes with the end of his braid, coming close, but never touching, and then tapped on one of Heero's leg casts. "Can I sign it? Draw a picture? I'm good at getting the details of those mobile suits and I brought my pens!"

So that's what he had in the pack he'd carried in.

"Go ahead." Heero even smiled. "Did I like mobile suits?"

"Oh, yeah. Who doesn't wanna pilot one of those?!"

"You were right," Wufei whispered in my ear and then swished past me.

I'd wanted Duo to be there at this first meeting of the "best friends," because of his open personality. Wufei had been afraid the crowd would "overwhelm the invalid." My instincts had been dead on. Duo was right there picking up the easy flow of conversation.

My best friend ensconced himself by the window, where he could stare out moodily or observe the proceedings, folded his arms over his chest—no chance he'd be nervously making those little tents with his fingers this time- and pressed his lips into a thin line. He wasn't comfortable with these strangers and he wasn't going to leave Heero lying there helpless with them nearby.

Duo's eyes traveled over Wufei, scanning, measuring, and reading his body language, while keeping up a friendly patter. "You gotta great view here. What you need is a sighting scope. Didn't he used to have one of those, Quat?"

"Yes, a very professional one. Do you remember stargazing on my roof top?"

Heero shook his head. "No."

The blonde's face lost all its color. I was afraid he might faint at first, and was about to grab his elbow.

"Sucks, huh?" Duo hopped in before Quatre started to cry. "I kinda wish I could wipe out my childhood memories… and most of high school while you're at it."

"Duo!" Poor Winner.

Heero laughed, though. Well, the sound was more of a chuckle, but Winner never heard it. He had dashed out the door. I could see his yellow hair bobbing out of sight and considered going after him. "What's with him?" I asked.

Duo stopped my non-movement to the exit with a gesture. "Leave him be, okay? He's gotta get his head together, then he'll be back."

"Yeah?"

Wufei had a more critical interpretation. "Hyper sensitive."

"Actually," Duo said, "that's not so far off. He's really in tune with some people's emotions, especially folks he knows well. My guess is that he couldn't read Heero here as he expected to so he's upset, but that's just a con-jec-ture." He joined me nearer the head of the bed. "So, you don't recognize either of us?" he asked Heero.

Heero closed his eyes. He did this to rest his eyes and avoid conflict. He couldn't very well walk away. He let out a long sigh before answering him with a quiet, "No."

"Didn't think so," Duo said, not letting on if he was hurt or not. "We had these regular greetings, things we said, and… you didn't say a thing like that."

"I feel," Heero interrupted, "something, though. I'm glad you both came to see me. It… feels good."

That brought a grin to Duo's face. "Quat will be so glad to hear that. He's been worried, more worried than me. The way your bud, Tro' and I got along, I figured we could start over and _all _be friends."

He included Wufei and me in that broad statement. After that, Duo did most of the talking, filling Heero in on the end of school, finals, and the goofus behavior of most of the graduating seniors.

Somewhere in there, Quatre returned and quietly apologized for his absence.

Heero called him to his bedside and reached out for his hand. "Thank you for coming. I want you to know you're welcome to come as often as you want." He looked over at me for approval, maybe?

"Yeah, I can get them temporary visitors' passes," I assured everyone.

Winner appeared pleased with the outcome and he and Duo left a short time after that.

I was confused by my feelings. I'd had Heero to myself and liked it. I wasn't keen on sharing him with his old friends and I was worried he'd like them more than me and…well… that would be that for me. But if it made Heero happy… so be it. I hadn't expected to _like_ them, Duo and Quatre. I hadn't considered I could be their friends, too.

**TBC**


	9. Chapter 9

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 9**

Quatre and Duo returned to the hospital the next day, calling me first to meet them at the entrance gate. Quatre pointed out that I would be losing Heero-time to performances and that they had no problem covering for me, since rebuilding their friendship with Heero was a priority.

What could I say to that? He was right and it would be good for Heero. "If Heero's okay with it, then… yeah," I said. Not that I wanted him to have to bear all the weight of the decision, but if he seemed not to like the plan, I'd back him up.

When we posed the idea to him, Heero seemed agreeable, which was really important.

He, in fact, jumped at the proposal. "I'd like that. Sure."

And, whether I liked to admit it or not, the doctors had been right about something, too; the more visitors, the more sociable he became. He talked more and attempted more. The fact that I wasn't seeing as much of him may have had something to do with how I viewed his progress. I didn't think it was due to lack of contact with me that was helping him. We still had our care sessions, the intimate caretaker lessons, moments of closeness I treasured and he accepted philosophically, I assumed.

The next week, Duo and Quatre no longer called me before they visited Heero, but I could always tell when they'd come. Duo plastered more of his skilled drawings of mobile suits on the casts, not real ones, but highly imaginary ones with enormous wings, energy weapons that looked like swords and whips, ones that could fly into space and dive under water. He included star clusters and jellyfish in his embellishments. Maybe those were aliens not jellyfish?

Wufei and I tried to cross paths with the other two whenever our schedules allowed. It didn't happen often, but one time, he and I arrived soon after Duo and Quatre. They were already seated in chairs brought in from the cafeteria and deep in discussion with Heero.

"I see you found your passwords?" Quatre asked, directing the conversation to a safe topic.

"Yes, thank you for the help."

Quatre beamed with joy. "Anything I can do for you…I'd be thrilled! Just call!"

"Which reminds me," Duo said. He paused from his elaborate cast drawing, which from what I could see looked terrific. "That night when Tro' an' I ransacked your room, heh, heh… I musta stuffed a couple of your memory sticks inna pocket, 'cause I found these and they aren't mine."

As it turned out, they hadn't been Heero's either, but with Wufei's help (a skill I hadn't known he had and made me wonder about his past), they cracked the security on the files and got a look inside what was, "Odin Lowe's," Duo announced in a controlled, low-key voice.

Quatre gasped. "Those look like names, dates, credit transactions—" His jaw firmed up and he stared directly at Duo, who looked comparatively relaxed. "Perhaps we should do this another time?"

"Naw, these are good guys. I told you. Tro's one to trust and he wouldn't have a bud that he wouldn't trust."

I felt a warmth spread from the inside. It was nice that he had so much faith in me. I just didn't know what I'd done to deserve it.

Winner nodded. "I-I was thinking of Heero."

"This dude? He's tough as nails, er, well… concrete, heh, heh…" Duo knocked on one of the casts and laughed. "Aren'tcha?"

"If you say so," Heero replied, smiling. Duo made him smile a lot.

Was I was more glad that Heero was amused by Duo or envious of Duo's upbeat personality? I focused on feeling grateful and left it at that.

Duo had already moved on. "How about this one?" Duo asked as he traded out one stick for another. "'Ron… er… 'Ro—geez, I gotta work on that name, don't I? Anyway, Hee-_ro_, you used to read Japanese—"

"I still can, miraculously. This refers to a map, which is in another file. "Point 405 to Brev. 60 km. see .maproutes."

Wufei materialized behind Heero's head to read the data scrolling across the screen. "Those look like troop movements," Wufei said.

I noticed Duo eyeing him warily. "Yeah, they do. Funny you'd be familiar with information like that."

"Duo, let him be. Don't pressure Trowa's friend." Quatre smiled politely. "Maybe we should talk about something else? I'm not comfortable with sharing sensitive material like this."

"No?" Duo took this seriously from his expression. "What do you feel, though, coming from everyone else?"

I wondered what Duo meant by that. Quatre certainly wasn't a mind reader or he would have been more afraid of me, with all my dark thoughts. Could he "read" our feelings? That wasn't possible, was it?

I caught him staring at me and I tried my best to ignore him. I focused on Heero's feelings. "Do you want to look into this stuff? You okay with us all being here seeing it?"

He was quick to say, "Yeah, this is interesting." His eyes roved over the group hovering about him. "I don't know if it's important or not, or if it's even real data and not part of a novel. Who better than my best friends to help make sense of it? It's okay," he assured me.

Something we said must have clicked with the blond, because apparently he made up his mind to "be comfortable" with us and returned to looking over Heero's shoulder. Being referred to by Heero as a best friend again probably had something to do with it. "What about this file?" he asked.

"Okay," Heero clicked a few times then read, "This file contains lists of passenger numbers, cargo volumes, and vessel id's. Here's one called 'passenger '."

Heero clicked on a new file and opened it. "…the shuttle called "Greek" departed S-," Heero frowned with concentration before giving up. "Some encoded name, which was probably a location, on Saturday the 11th of November and… the year is further encoded… with 30 officers, 1 Warrant Officer and 1,084 men of the 1st Battalion Essex Regiment. It arrived at T—someplace- at 10pm on Thursday the 16th of November … same year… and left at 6am the following day after taking on fuel, fresh water and provisions. The "Greek" arrived at CT- on Sunday the 3rd of December … same date again."

"Oh_, sick_." Duo whistled appreciatively. "Lookit this one, marked 'LOG'."

The files included meticulously recorded information on OZ emplacements, strength, troop movements, and morale, details made more valuable in that every informant was named and identified as to regiment and location. In many cases, sketch maps were provided. At the end of the journal, perhaps in idle moments, he sketched out caricatures of a soldier, a civilian (?), and the OZ insignia.

"Odin is a spy," Heero concluded.

Wufei corrected him, "An intelligence officer. To use the term 'spy' is somewhat misleading, if you go back to the beginning. Here. There's an explanation. What we see are files containing information culled largely from debriefings of deserters, prisoners of war, civilians, and refugees, rather than from the sorts of covert operations typically associated with spies. But it is clear that the man who kept the log was charged with obtaining, recording, and analyzing the immense volume of randomly scattered facts." He stopped speaking and frowned at the others reading the files. "I don't feel comfortable sharing this data with just anyone, in case it's timely."

"Where did you find these?" Heero directed his question in Duo's relative direction.

"In your desk—I swear!" Duo said.

"That means I must have stolen them from him."

"Or he hid them among your memory sticks," Wufei suggested. He strode from the window to the door and back.

"But I might have overwritten one by mistake," Heero countered.

"Let's say you took them. Maybe you were going to pass the information along to someone else?" Winner asked.

"Was that something I'd have done?"

Winner and Duo exchanged knowing looks. "Yes," Winner replied. "I knew he'd done something to you to make you very angry. You wanted to get even."

Wufei stopped his pacing and directed what he had to say next to Duo and Quatre. "If you are part of the war effort, you should say so now." I wondered at the change in Wufei's manner, what all he'd done in his homeland, and why he kept studying Duo.

"We're not, um... currently," Duo was first to say. "But I'd sure as hell like to be out their blowing up enemy camps and OZ think tanks!"

"We know a lot about the war," Winner gently interrupted his boyfriend's enthusiastic response. "In fact, my father employs his own mercenary corps for protection of his company's sites."

"But they could easily become an attack force, if he needed one," Duo tagged on, looking directly at Wufei this time. "We can't let OZ take over the Sanc Kingdom."

"And Heero wanted to help the cause," Winner said at last. "And you? What is your stand?"

"I'm on the run. OZ destroyed my homeland and I came to the circus to hide. I am on your side," Wufei said.

Duo opened his mouth to say something, but Quatre jabbed him in the ribs, stopping him. They may have said something, but my mind was elsewhere. The real world, the outside world, and my fantasy world were colliding. What had been peripheral events taking place mostly in news articles, was taking form right in this room, my Heero-realm of tranquility and healing. It was as if everyone I knew had been participating in the chaos of the conflict but me, and now, here I was in the thick of it.

They all looked at me. What did I know? Not a thing. I just said what honestly came into my head. "I'm taking care of Heero."

Duo grinned at me. "That's good to hear. He's needed a trustworthy boyfriend for a long time."

I hadn't _said_ boyfriend!

I dreaded Heero's reaction, his denial, his –

"My luck has turned," Heero said. And he smiled at me.

"No shit!" Duo laughed. "He's an acrobat. You know like flexible? And hot- What?"

"You are embarrassing them," Quatre said, angling his elbow away from Duo's side.

"How? Am I the only one that notices how this room is practically seething with absolutely stunning examples of manhood?"

"Duo!" Quatre shouted.

"I'll be leaving now," Wufei said in a dash to the door.

He was smiling though, so all was well.

(o)

I really looked forward to the time I had with Heero. It seemed especially precious now that it was in shorter supply. To be honest, with the two shows each day and countless other duties I had with the circus, I hardly gave him a thought more than a couple times an hour. The moment I was free, though, I took off for the hospital to see him.

The talk of war and rising military action was insidious, cropping up around the circus and the hospital more than ever, either that or I was noticing it more. I avoided discussions about the war like I dodged most confrontations. I wasn't a debater and conflicts just depressed me.

I had no trouble justifying my interest in being a pilot, though. Heero wanted that too and with Duo's unbridled enthusiasm for mobile suits, we were looking at going into one of those training programs. We _all_ were, including Quatre.

I wished Heero could have ducked the rebels versus the entrenched governments versus the armed forces versus the media's warped representation, too, but he was glued to the internet reading all he could to keep up with the latest stories. Sometimes, he'd recite a highlights-reel of information the moment I stepped in.

I reckoned he needed to bounce his ideas off someone new. I made a good listener, having nothing of my own on the subject to contribute. In one ear and out the other was how I dealt with it.

I was wholly infatuated with _him_, though, considering him to be mine despite the fact that he wasn't. He hadn't referenced the "boyfriend" implication/inference that Duo had made, and I certainly wouldn't, which left us in a murky relationship status. I was busy soaking up his personality, and missed- no, that wasn't quite right- I _shirked_ some of my responsibility and didn't pay close attention to what all he was doing with his free time.

He was pretty smart, a more disciplined thinker than I'd assumed for a jock-type guy. He drew reasonable conclusions; at least, so I thought. Heero Yuy, I discovered, could also be a dangerous man, even when he lay immobilized with serious injuries.

"Hi," I greeted him and he glanced at me from his keyboard.

"Hn."

"Busy?" I asked.

"Graduating us."

"Really?" I laughed a little, imagining him Photoshopping our faces onto figures with cap and gowns, and moved the chair closer so I could look over his shoulder.

What I saw was a page of rows and columns with class numbers and grades, good grades. He scrolled up so I could read his name at the top and down so I could see the totals. He'd completed his class work while in the hospital? He had final grades.

"Nice GPA," I told him. "When did you do that?" I asked, then reinforced what I meant by adding, "I mean, taken your finals."

"Today. You're done, too."

"Ah—" That wasn't possible, and yet there was my transcript rolling past on the screen. "How is it you got that on your computer?" Before he answered, the final numbers flashed by. "What the fuck, Heero? I didn't finish and no way did I getting fucking good grades like those. I couldn't have done that good!"

"I noticed you had a pattern of poor grades and incompletes at the end of every year. "

All true, but- "What the fucking FUCK have you done?" He'd gotten me panting breathless with panic.

"Fixed things. I wanted to be done with high school, so I began with me. After changing my records, I fixed yours."

"I didn't ask you to do that."

"I know. I did more. I didn't want to draw attention to the two of us by just altering ours, so I touched up a few of the more promising circus kids' grades."

I was stunned. "Jesus fucking Christ, Heero."

"I felt justified. I checked and found most of the circus kids had the same problem. Obviously, the school system makes no attempt to accommodate the circus' schedule. No wonder you all have rotten grade averages and can't get into colleges, those that want to. It won't hurt your chances getting into a pilot training program, either."

Got me there. "You're going to be in a lotta trouble."

"Not possible. I can't be traced and I have no track record of having computer skills. At worst, it could have been a random glitch, but the changes I've made are permanent, unless they want to go through all the archived records for all the students." He smiled at that. "But since they altered their database midway through this year, the archived record formats don't match the new record formats, which means they can't just reload the past ones automatically. It all would have to be done manually. It would take years to do a transcript by transcript comparison."

"Oh." I decided that his brain seemed to be recovering well, in so far as his internet hacking skills went. "Do we get diplomas?"

"Yes. Delivered to our home addresses when everyone else gets theirs."

What address? I didn't ask, but he guessed what I was thinking.

"Your sister wrote down your trailer address. I used that for you."

But not for him? How would he get that from Lowe's place, I wondered?

"Oh. You've been busy." I was already forgiving and moving on to the forgetting phase of acceptance. I hadn't much capacity for feelings, and I didn't want bad ones to push out the good ones I had for him, so I was already letting it go. My heart was still pounding. His face was close to mine.

"This has kept me entertained lately. I could eliminate our debt to the circus for my hospital stay."

"No, it wouldn't be a good idea."

"I wasn't seriously considering it," he said. "As tempting as it is, there are too many people aware of my being here, piling up expenses. And, if I missed some detail, I might not be able to cover the money trail leading back to us."

"And somehow lead back to the school record touch ups, too, which would be bad for you," I pointed out.

"I said I won't, and I'm not going to."

Our eyes met a second. Could he see my pulse racing? I stepped back so I couldn't feel the warmth of his body. The other way he had been passing the time, those interminable, intervening hours between visitors and hospital staff and sleeping, was to test himself, pushing his limits, and exercising. I knew he'd be proud of that.

"So, what can you do? Show me what's new," I said. I knew this would please him, showing off a little when he could.

"I can pull off the bed." And he proceeded to pull against the weights until he leveraged his entire body up, hovering a few inches off the mattress. "I'm suspended now?"

"Yeah, you are. I'm impressed."

"Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two—"

I took up the counting so he could save his breath for the awful strain he was putting on his body's core. "—Twenty-three, twenty-four—"

He quit at thirty-five seconds. "That… was… four seconds longer … than earlier," he said, slightly out of breath.

"That's great, really. You'll be ready for the rings in no time."

"Rings?"

"For acrobatic acts."

"That's right. You do that. It's given you a great body."

Okay. I really fail at accepting compliments, and that one made me blush when he combined it with a heated stare, so I didn't know how to react. My hands had nowhere constructive to go. I had to concentrate to keep from wringing them.

He had to have sensed my embarrassment, but it didn't stop him from saying more. "I told you I'd never forget." Then he chuckled.

Ah, fuck, my strip tease!

"This coming from a guy who can't defend himself," I muttered and turned away.

"I'm getting close to being able to," he said. "So I bet you do all sorts of things on those… rings. I've always been curious. What can _you_ show me? How do you limber up?"

That, I could do. It was the only way I ever did make an impression, so I demonstrated a few moves, floor exercises really, and then handstands and rolls. I couldn't show off without the rings and bars I used, but it felt good to have his attention concentrated wholly on me.

It also pushed away all thoughts of the trouble he and I could get into someday.

(o)

Once again, only few days later, Winner, Duo, and I overlapped our visits; totally unintentional on my part. I heard them laughing in Heero's room from halfway down the hall. When I stepped in, everyone looked at me. I felt grouchy because I felt that they were horning in on my time with Heero.

"Tro's here now, so lemme tell the story, 'kay?" Duo asked.

Winner kissed him lightly on an ear. "In just a minute."

That was the first time I'd seen them contact one another. It made me uncomfortable. It made me think about kissing Heero, which wasn't likely to happen anytime soon, and that made me feel even grumpier.

"Can I say hello first?" I asked.

"Hi," Heero said this with a smile, which made me feel better. "They brought my telescope."

There it was pointing out the window. Not the one I remembered from that one club meeting. This one was all gleaming gunmetal and sinister looking.

Winner moved to push the scope closer to the bed. "It can be positioned so Heero can look through it, although there's no star gazing from here."

"There will be from my place," I said to Heero. "We got lots of dark near the lake. You'll get to try it out."

I had Heero's full attention now. "You heard something. I'm leaving here soon?"

"Yeah. It's weird, too, after saying it would be weeks more of traction, there on the clipboard it shows that they scheduled you for x-rays to check how the breaks have healed."

Silence.

Heero was staring at the blond, who had suddenly found a fascination for shirt buttons. "You should tell him what you told me," Heero said.

Yes, Winner, do tell.

"I offered to pay for the x-rays if they came back negative, so there was no risk to the hospital to just do them."

Uh, huh. "But why?" I asked.

"He once broke his wrist and it healed in no time!" Duo said. "Pretty amazing, really."

The blond looked me in the eye. "He's always healed faster than normal. Never been sick. Bruises, sprains, no injury he had _ever_ took the normal time to heal. If you don't believe me, there are records at the hospital in Sanc for the wrist break, I'm sure."

I wondered why Heero's body could be so different, and Duo must have guessed what I was thinking. "We don't know for sure, but we think this man… Dr. J… was in cahoots with Lowe and using experimental drugs on Heero here."

"But you don't know," I emphasized the lack of proof here.

"We'll see what the doctors here say," Winner said. "If his bones have mended, they will be beside themselves trying to figure out the mystery behind Heero's remarkable constitution."

"And if he's not healed?" I wanted to point out how disappointed he'd be and how that might send him into a depression, being the expert with that condition.

"We won't be wrong, I'm sure. But if the doc's here don't believe what they see… Hey, we aren't making up the experimental drug thing!" Duo insisted.

"I didn't say you were! If you're wrong, Heero'll have to stay here longer to get better!" I was angry that they couldn't see how disappointing that would be for him.

"I can handle it!" Heero declared. He shut down our shouting.

"I'm so sorry!" Winner cried out. "There really is no reason to rush things except I promised you I'd do everything I could to help."

"I appreciate it, Quatre." Heero said that in a meaningful way.

"If you can get out of traction," Duo pointed out, "then 'Tro can take you home." He grinned at me. "Wouldn't that be great?"

"IF—" I stared to warn him against setting too high expectations.

"-I'm not so sure," Winner cut in. "Even though I said I'd help, I'm not certain what I'm doing is right. He has expert care on call here and if there is an emergency, instant medical help. You can't offer him that, can you?"

Well, fuck. "No, I can't, but he won't need that much. He's off the monitors, as you can see and off most the meds."

"Chill, Quat. The doctors here won't let 'Ro go if they don't think it's a good idea. He's a fast healer. He'll be up and running in no time."

Thank you, Dr. Upbeat Duo.

"He hasn't moved in months! He's not going to be able to walk at first. Maybe ever!" Winner's face shed all its color. I could see the regret in his eyes. "Oh, Heero! I'm sorry! I didn't mean that! You will walk! You will! But it may not be right away!"

Heero's eyes closed to block us all out. He'd open them when he was ready to converse again, which would be soon after Winner shut the fuck up.

Duo pulled his boyfriend to the side, giving Heero some space.

Heero even breathed a sigh of relief, my interpretation, before saying, "I realize how much I'll have to re-learn. I've had to teach myself to eat. I'll be fine, probably learn faster without all the staff waiting on me all the time. I have to… I need to get back to where I was before, at least, physically."

"Of course! And you will. We'll all help whenever we can!"

"Whenever _you _want us to," Duo clarified. Yeah, he understood Heero pretty well and how to temper his boyfriend's emotional outbursts. "Now that that's settled, can I tell the story?"

"I want to hear it," Heero said, settling the question.

I consented with a restrained shrug.

"Cool. Okay, well, I wasn't too keen on breaking into Lowe's place and I forgot to ask Tro' here for the key so we—"

"Took a different tactic," Winner filled in. "We had already established that Mr. Lowe was in his house."

I bet. What did they have, surveillance equipment?

Duo read my mind- he could not have decoded anything from my expression- and waved my question away with, "How? Not an important detail. Think of it as magic."

A cunning smile spread across Winner's face. "Actually, I rang the doorbell, and when Mr. Lowe answered I entertained him, while Duo broke into the back window."

"Not _literally_." He aimed his eye roll at Heero this time. "I jimmied it open. And I used this chill device of Quat's to re-route the security."

"Nothing much," Winner said, waving Duo to silence. "I bought Duo time trying to reason with Mr. Lowe, arguing that _Heron_ had a few of my things and I wanted them back. I offered to get them myself, but he wouldn't let me."

"You musta argued good, 'cause I had enough time to get in and find the telescope."

"I was the leader of the debate team," Quatre put in.

"Gonna be a hotshot lawyer," Duo said with a wink. "Anyway, I'd scoped out the scope before... in his closet, but it hadn't registered at the time as something to take."

I excused him. "We had enough stuff to carry without it."

"Yeah. Oh, and I got your binoculars, too," Duo said to Heero with a loving pat to his backpack. "Don't let me forget to give them to you."

"Hold onto them for me," Heero said. I knew from the warmth in his voice that he meant for Duo to keep them as a token of thanks.

"Really? Sure thing. Just lemme know when you want them back, 'kay?"

"Show him the other thing," Winner said. "It was in the mailbox, so we brought it along."

"My diploma." Heero seemed pleased. "Thanks. Your timing was excellent."

That's how I knew he and his old friends had been in communication. He'd let them know about his "graduation plans" and they'd timed their "visit" to Heero's house to coincide with the delivery of the certificate. Again, I fought with a serious case of jealousy over that. I didn't like sharing him with his friends and it was only going to get harder as he relied on me less and less for entertainment.

"We all graduated!" Winner said, back to shining with joy. "We should have a little celebration."

"I'm not feeling it." Duo shook his head. "This place has the worst atmosphere."

I shouldn't have looked at Heero and noticed how let down that made him. The desire to make him happy made me impulsive. I felt compelled to make things right. "We can come… after hours. I'll bring the beer."

Winner opened his mouth to object, for Heero's sake, I'm sure, but Duo spoke up first. "Sick! Tonight? How late's your last show?" he aimed at me. "You'll be feeling okay after that?"

"I'll be fine. We'll meet in the parking lot over there, by the garbage bins at midnight," I told them. I sounded confident, even to me.

"A private graduation party?" Heero seemed excited in a low key way, which buoyed my confidence in the plan.

"Yeah." I nodded and smiled, fractionally.

That's how they left us, Duo dragging his boyfriend out. I could hear him admonishing the blond to give me some _alone_ time with _my boyfriend_. My _boyfriend_. If only.

I caught Heero staring at me, probably weighing the same statement. Duo seemed to assume we were a couple. It was likely he and the others had talked about it when I wasn't about. Only Heero and I had avoided the gorilla in the clown suit stinking up the room.

"It's okay with you?"

"What?" I asked stupidly, because, well, at times I am just that stupid and tongue-tied.

Heero huffed. "You're going to make me say it, aren't you?"

I stopped with the dumb act. "No, it's not like that."

"It's not?" he chuckled a little. My discomfort amused him, I guessed.

So much for my earlier act of beer-supplying bravado.

I wasn't _at all_ sure of myself. Heero seemed open and honest and friendly enough, and he apparently had no objections to spending time alone with me, when he could just tell me to leave if he wanted. I wasn't at all sure that meant he was attracted to me. Because Heero had gradually assumed more and more importance to me, I wanted to make no rash moves that might drive him off.

Like kissing him.

I hadn't yet kissed him. I'd been thinking about it, more or less constantly, ever since, well, a long, long time, and especially hard the last few minutes, days, weeks- fuck, always. As yet I hadn't even begun a move in that direction.

A gay Lothario I was not.

I argued with myself about it, telling myself that after all he had started this discussion, and, after all, the guy had to expect me to kiss him, didn't he? But I didn't know what went on in anyone's mind; he might not be expecting to be kissed at all. He might be thinking of the two of us more restrained physically.

Yeah, I thought that, stupidly.

On the other hand, I wisely wondered: what if I didn't try to kiss him, and all along Heero was waiting for me to make the first move?

Wouldn't that be just as bad if Heero did want to be kissed, and I didn't kiss him, wouldn't that drive him away just as surely as if he didn't want it and I did try?

It was a problem.

When all was said and done, _I cared_. I cared about him and what he thought of me.

I'd known Heero for a few months now and I knew how I felt about him. It's easy, I guessed, to be a make-out artist when you didn't give a damn about the other person- just go ahead and try. If he goes along with the action, great, you're in. If he punches your lights out and stalks off in a huff, small loss.

That was the difference. Losing Heero would be a _big_ loss.

I thought about it as I walked all around the hospital room, which, despite the slowness of my progress, didn't take long. In my passage, I loosened the window to make it easier to open from the outside, kind of making it look like my walk had a purpose. The room was small, and before I knew it I was back where I'd started, at his bedside.

"That's enough for me," Heero said, and reached for my hand. "Stay put."

"Fine." I sat down next to him, and all of a sudden there was nothing to say. I'd done fine with the small talk up till now, a lot better than with anything else, but all of a sudden there weren't any more words. Maybe because on the trek around the perimeter of the room I'd come to see the outcome of what I did was a small loss versus a large loss. Whatever the reason, right now I had nothing left to say.

Out of desperation, more than anything else; the silence had been getting uncomfortable. For lack of anything better to do, I leaned over and kissed him.

Just like that. I kissed him.

It was a short kiss, and not exactly a ball of fire. I sat back a ways to look at his reaction, listening to the sound thudding in my chest, ready to counter an upper cut from his free arm.

He smiled. "I thought you'd never do it."

I wanted to do it again and do a better job, but the night nurse came in and pushed me out the door. "Let the patient get his rest!"

I didn't remember the walk to the truck, the drive to the trailer, getting ready for the show, or performing. None of it.

But that kiss, his warm lips, firm under mine, and his smile- I couldn't get either memory out of my head, and I didn't try. I had a chance at getting another kiss during out midnight tryst.

**TBC**


	10. Chapter 10

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 10 **

Somehow, late that night, the three of us, Quatre, Duo and I, showed up at the hospital parking lot on time and let ourselves in by the window, as I'd done before.

Duo climbed in first, mentioning in passing, "Why use doors? Why even build them? They should just make windows bigger."

Winner was next, turning at the last moment to look at me with those earnest, soulful, blue eyes of his. "You wouldn't risk his well-being by giving him alcohol, would you?"

"No," I said to put an end to it.

It didn't put an end to it. I shoved him in so I could get through the window, which I surmised wouldn't have been a good place to be discovered by a passing patrol car. Safely in the room, I waited until Duo closed the door to remove the bottles from my backpack.

"No labels?" Winner pointed out.

"Nope." I popped off a cap and let him smell the foam that spilled out.

Duo grabbed the bottle first. "What _is_ this?"

"We make it at the circus. Our own stuff. Sassafras."

"That's _root_ beer!" Winner proclaimed, translating for Duo, I assumed.

"_Root_ beer?" Duo croaked. Oh, he looked downright let down by the lack of alcohol content.

Heero laughed aloud.

"Yeah." I cracked open another and gave it to Heero. "Powerful stuff."

"I'll bet." He took a swig and declared it, "great."

Duo sniffed at it again and then tasted it. "Awesome, for a soda."

"You sound disappointed," I said.

"Not, so much."

"Heero shouldn't have alcohol with the mood drugs he's doped up on," I said, cutting Heero's objection off with a grin. "Quatre and I shouldn't drive after drinking, and you," I said, using my bottle as a pointer and aimed at Duo right between the eyes, "I was betting that nobody would make a louder drunk than you."

"Hey!"

"And it wouldn't be fair," his boyfriend added as he opened his own drink, "for you to get a beer and no one else."

"Wouldn't have happened," Duo huffed.

Winner drank and smiled approvingly. Not that I'd tried or anything, but by abiding by his wishes, I think I'd made inroads into his good graces.

"I brought cupcakes!" The blonde carefully handed them around. "I would have brought candles, but I was afraid we'd set off the smoke alarms."

I helped Heero with his cupcake, relieving the cake part of its pink paper wrapping.

"The school's colors were red and white and I couldn't find red cupcake liners so I chose pink instead."

If Winner had been a little unsure of his choice, Duo eliminated that problem with a sloppy kiss. "Pink's a bit gay, even for me, love, but since it's just us guys, it's okay."

I looked away, but this time I didn't feel any pang of jealousy. I felt a sticky hand press into mine and knew it was Heero's by touch. "I'll get a washcloth," I told him.

It wasn't as if I hadn't a romantic bone in my body, they were my support structure. I was a private person, and demonstrative affection was harder for me than I thought it would be.

I returned to the bedside with the damp cloth, while Duo was talking about what he'd been doing lately at the orphanage.

Civics lesson. Old-time Sanc tradition was for every child, with or without family, to have bestowed upon them _benefits_. These benefits included food, lodging, and education—all with costs attached both obligatory and monetary. All citizens of the city-state of Sanc provided at least two years of service. There were lots of ways to meet that commitment. No matter who you were, your station in life, or where you lived, all kids growing up accumulated societal dues. Coming of age meant repaying those costs, and when that was done the young adult was free to go his, or her, own way. For the most part, these emerging teens would have no way to repay the charges incurred for their upbringing, not without skills to get a good-paying job.

The Sanc government had developed a system to resolve the issue long ago. Each subsequent government abided by the system, unable to find a better replacement, or caring to. As a result, what took place in the current term was very much like it had been for hundreds of years. At some point in the child's life, they were placed in a program. Some had no options, others were tested for aptness, and others had varying ranges of choices to pick from. They could become a journeyman learning his trade and getting room and board for a price. A 13 year old would sign on to learn a trade, like a woodcraftsman, and get the training of a lifetime in trade for his exclusive labor for five to ten years.

At the circus, we paid for our food and caravans out of our paychecks, but we owned them eventually. Some kids would complete their city-state duty through volunteer work.

Duo must have worked his ass off, by my reckoning, and he'd mentioned that his stay there was running out.

"So, I've been doing odd jobs, mostly," Duo was saying. "I'm mechanically oriented and worked on the boiler in winter and the mower, car, van, anything with a motor, really."

"What do you like to do?" I asked him.

If he knew he didn't tell me. He shrugged. "I'm supposed to be looking for a job and a place to live."

"And if you don't find something?"

"Then they own my soul," he said, laughing.

"That's closer to the truth than I like," Winner said.

"What I mean is," Duo went on, "I would stay in the seminary dorms and get more education in that direction."

"He'd become a priest." Winner told us. "You have alternatives."

"Yeah, I know." Duo looked at the blond with the sweetest expression, it even made me sigh. "Priesthood or the army."

Quatre smiled. "You have another."

"I should explain a bit," Duo said. "Quat here has the Maguanac Corps living on his property."

I'd heard of them. Mercenaries from the Middle East. ""You said before your dad hired an army for protection. Them?"

"Father…yes. Duo, you make it sound so oppressive when you embellish the truth. Really, they report to my father and he's given them refuge, land, housing, on our property in return for their services."

"Rashid is devoted to you," Duo said, " from what I can tell, and since he's the leader, that makes them your personal army, I'm just saying. You could take on Khushrenada-"

"I'm no freer to do what I want than the rest of you," Winner said quickly and looking glum. "I have my duty to my family business. I'm sure you understand what that means, Trowa."

"Yeah."

"So what's your setup here at the circus?" Duo asked. "Can you ever leave? Do folks ever run away _from_ the circus, heh, heh?"

"More than you'd think," I said. "There's different contracts, but with the war, lots of the guys have signed up to fight in the Sanc army and left."

"And you?"

"I have a few years I owe."

Heero made a noise. "More now."

"You have to pay for all this?" Winner asked, doing the math quickly. Smart guy.

I simply nodded. "Worth it."

"And what about Heero? Is he indebted, too?" Ah, that Winner was no dumb blond.

"It's okay," Heero said. "I did this to myself. I work out my own debts."

That shut up Winner, although I could feel the gears churning in his head, scheming away at some plan. He wouldn't argue honor with his best friend. Duty and honor were the basis of our traditions. I owed the circus. Quatre had his duty to his family. Duo had a lingering duty to doing church work. Heero would have been indentured to Lowe, most likely, before coming here. I hadn't even considered Dr. J's meddling in Heero's past to be of any concern.

Winner and Duo didn't stay around much longer. "Hey, food's gone," Duo announced. "We gotta go."

After seeing them to the window, I was absolved of my host duties. I wanted another kiss before I took my leave, and knew this was my chance.

He expected it. His arm wrapped around me when I came close and drew me in. This time, my lips lingered on his and pressed harder than before. He surprised me by sucking in my lower lip. Heat flooded my body. I didn't remember how my hand slipped to his chest. So smooth and hard.

Deep breath!

I felt so close to him. When he looked into my eyes I had to tell him something personal, and because I hadn't thought over what I might say ahead of time, come up with a seductive line or anything remotely hot... I said the first stupid thing that came to mind. "I've never seen such deep blue eyes before… not like yours."

"Yours are green." He hadn't done any better than me. We both held our breaths. "We really suck at this," he muttered. But he smiled too.

And we both laughed, dampening our noise in a pillow.

I was so in love.

I felt happy.

I wanted him.

But if I didn't leave, I'd be wasted for the next day. Dutifully, I parted from him for the night, with his taste on my lips.

(o)

When I next saw Heero, he was asleep, exhausted from the trauma of the x-ray process. I hadn't intended to miss out on that or to have been away for so long or to have let pass a morning visit, but I had had to stand in for one of the clowns who had strained his back.

"Mr. Barton? Can you come outside for just a minute? There's something we'd like to discuss with you."

Nothing good can come from an opening remark like that, especially, I felt, from a solemn-faced doctor. My eyes instantly located the nearest exit. Rather than make myself scarce, though, I nodded "okay" to the man and dragged my feet away from Heero's bedside.

"We're delivering good news, so relax," the nurse practitioner told me and flashed a supportive smile.

"You told Heero?" I asked. I hated when they left him out of the loop like he was an invalid.

"Yes, of course." The doctor rattled off his news in medical code. Loosely translated, they'd seen nothing like it. Heero's bones had knitted together perfectly, the break lines nearly invisible. Bonded flawlessly and weeks ahead of schedule.

"So, he can leave here?" I asked, this being the only thing of importance from my standpoint. Remarkable healing was fine, but so what? If it wasn't bad, why make a big deal of it?

"What we want to know is—"

"Must know-!"

"What doctor was he seeing before moving here?"

"His doctor? I don't know." I _didn't_ know, and that's what I told them. I failed to convince; it wasn't what they wanted to hear, apparently.

"Listen here, young man, withholding vital information cannot do your friend any good"

"But I'm _not_. I really don't know who his past doctor was." I nearly mentioned his being on the high school team and that they might know, and then caught myself just in time. I fucking hoped to hell that my face reflected nothing of what I was feeling. I must have been tired or stressed to start forgetting the story I'd given for him.

The doctor's frown deepened further. "We have heard about an organization of technicians and medical doctors who have been performing experimental operations and testing drugs on patients."

I must have looked alarmed because I felt the nurse rest her hand on my arm. Her voice was kind. "This is the kind of result one might expect, given the rumors."

My thoughts shot to that Doctor J character Duo and his boyfriend had mentioned.

Fuck.

If a trail linked the Doctor J character with Lowe and then Heron, AKA Heero, then I could imagine stirring up more trouble than a loose tiger on a turkey ranch- worse, because with the tiger I'd know what to do.

"Sorry I can't help you," I said, because, in the end, there was no reason for them to expect me to know the name of his previous doctor.

The cluster of doctors stared at me as if they knew I was lying, which they couldn't possibly, and then one said, "I warned you he might not know. He's the one who witnessed the fall, that's all."

That was right. I never actually knew if I'd fooled anyone; maybe I had.

"We could ask the other young man, his cousin?"

Cousin? Oh, Wufei. He'd know less than me about Heero's past; besides, even if he did know the name of every last one of Heero's doctors, I knew he'd never give away any information that might lead back to himself. A man with a past to hide was careful.

The dissatisfied faces turned away and the commotion moved away from where I stood. I waited and eventually a staff member brought me a checklist, some forms, and a clipboard and pen. "This is all that's standing between you and you taking him home on Monday," I was told.

The circus shut down to the public for one day a week, Monday, which, lucky for me was tomorrow. This was perfect timing. I could get help from Wufei getting Heero up into the trailer, too. "Works for me."

So, I filled out forms agreeing to the terms, the care, who to call if he had a relapse, the list of what to expect—mostly medical-lawyerese "cover their asses" crap, I figured, given my limited knowledge about either profession.

On my way out, I called Duo, who'd call his boyfriend to pass along the good news.

"Wooeee! That's cool! Quat will be happy. He really will, once he gets over worrying."

"If you say so. I don't think he trusts me."

"Quat? Oh, he does. He kinda reads emotions. Kinda. He feels strong ones and knows how you feel about 'Ro."

What?! Reads my feelings? I didn't especially like having my privacy invaded. Still… "So he knows how Heero feels?" _About me?_ He wouldn't ask that but he could find out other things. "Does Heero know about what's happened to him?"

Duo was quiet for longer than it should take for him to answer back honestly, so I knew he was measuring his reply carefully. "Yeah, sorta. You should talk to 'Ro or Quat about that, actually. Not me."

I planned to. "I will. Can I block his mind reading?"

"Ha! He doesn't _read_ your mind, bud. _Feelings _only, like I said, and you do a pretty good job hiding them as it is. He says you're hard to gauge of lot of the time, which was why he wasn't so sure of your intentions, at first."

"At first."

"Hey, even I can tell you're crazy about 'Ro and he's just as mad about you, but you know that."

_Did I_? I couldn't help smiling at any rate.

"Uh, huh, you _know_. Quit digging for clues." Duo was grinning, too; I could hear it in his voice. "He's never been treated like he deserves, so you better, I don't know, be good."

I couldn't wait to show Heero how good I could treat him. "I will."

Duo was still talking. "He always acted like he had something to prove-that was what I thought, 'cause he picked a challenging boyfriend."

"They were a secret," I said. At no time had I guessed that either Zechs or Heero had been gay, much less a couple. "I always thought he and Relena were together."

"Yeah, that was a part of the difficulty, but Zechy was… hard on him." I imagined a frown replacing Duo's easy smile. "Quat tried to break them up, but how much meddling can a friend do, ya know?"

"Not much."

"About right. I stayed out of it as much as I could. For as long as I could."

"Meaning you eventually got involved?"

"Yeah, heh, heh. I knew Lowe was… abusing 'Ro. He didn't need his boyfriend doin' it too. I busted Zechs' lip, then I ran like hellhounds were at my heels."

"Unscathed?"

"Oh, yeah."

No, Heero shouldn't have had to endure any of that from people supposed to love him. "It won't ever happen again," I promised.

"Good. I was getting to like you too much to have to kill you over this."

I wasn't sure if he was joking or not, but we both chuckled and let the tense moment pass. I envisioned his violet eyes glittering up at me and was really glad I could make the lively image go away, that this was just a phone conversation. If it hadn't been for Heero, I could have fallen for Duo. Problem with that, of course, was that I would have had to kill the blond boyfriend to get to him, and that was just stupid enough a thought to crush and burn to ash all the rest of those "what ifs?" I wasn't killing anyone, especially new friends.

"I'm at my truck," I said. "Work calls. So-"

"Gotta go? Me, too. Later, bud!"

Later, yeah.

Next I called Wufei to let him know I'd be bringing Heero home Monday and to warn him that the circus doctors might contact him about Heero.

"Let them try. I know nothing. It makes one think, though. What if they could treat all of the performers with fast-healing drugs? Would they?"

I wasn't sure. The idea of healing quickly was so appealing that I was afraid even I'd throw caution to the wind and give the test drugs a try. "It doesn't matter, does it? We don't have any information to help them."

"Correct. I'll help you fix up space for Heero—"

I read that as "pick up the dirty clothes while you wash the counters and toilet."

"-and I will let Catherine know you'll be home soon. She'll want to have dinner ready."

Gag. My sister's cooking left much to be desired, but to complain would throw it into my lap. No thanks to the extra work. "Thanks."

Monday. That was just the next day, a point I repeated because I couldn't seem to believe it. I doubted I'd get much sleep that night anticipating what was to come tomorrow. As much as I wished Heero was awake to talk to and kiss, if he was that tired, he needed the rest. I'd have him all to myself pretty soon. All. To. Myself.

(o)

Removing his arm and legs from traction and the casts didn't make Heero magically mobile. He'd spent several weeks not using the limbs, and the lack of use cut his muscle tone. Luckily, he'd been in terrific condition before the fall and his own exercise regime had helped build his stamina.

"The loss can usually be regained through therapy," the rehab technician, Mark, told me. He had worked the legs through a series of exercises designed to rebuild was had been lost, and had taught me to do the same for Heero when we left the hospital.

Heero ... he looked... fucking awesome to me - all that toned muscle and definition would come back and he'd be even more amazingly gorgeous.

But for now, he couldn't even stand.

He could lie down, though. I visualized him spread out over my bed, my imagination filling in details complete with orchestral background, so I nearly missed what was being said.

"I'll come out to work with him every day," Mark said. And reading my negative expression he added, "It was part of the agreement you signed."

The paper I hadn't read but signed obediently. "All right."

"It's only for the first few weeks then you'll be on your own," he said as if to make me feel better.

"Fine."

And then we were loading Heero into my truck and heading to where we'd live.

"How far to your home?" Mark asked.

The hospital was in the same area as the "circus and zone". My caravan was located in the middle of where just about all the other circus folks lived. "Not far."

I gave him directions through the twisted paths and the lot number and my cell number.

"I will find you. See you later, then," Mark said.

I drove slowly to let Heero get a good look around at the layout of the district. I circled a bit, taking him by the tents, the animal cages, and then to the living quarters.

Aside from pointing out the sights, I didn't say much, and he didn't volunteer much to the conversation beyond an acknowledging grunt. We both kept a lot inside, which was fine with me. Most things a person thought were simply premature notions. They belonged locked up where no one else could judge them until you were good and ready to release them on the world, or not.

Wufei waved as the truck rolled up to my caravan. Heero rejected the wheelchair, but that got over-ruled by the hospital agreement I'd signed, Wufei claimed. In the end, what decided it was the fact that he couldn't stand without wobbling.

"If you fall and re-injure yourself, you'll have to go back," was the final reminder, administered, thankfully, by Wufei and not by me, and convinced Heero to accept his fate.

Poor balance, lack of coordination, weakness- that about summed up his condition. If he had mental ones beyond the memory loss, he didn't let on and hid it well. Had it been me in that wheelchair, I would have sold my soul to the devil to have hidden my feebleness , so I understood where he was coming from.

"I have you; don't fight me." Wufei spoke to Heero in that no-nonsense way of his that resulted in Heero falling in line, reluctantly, but without further argument. "The lower bunk is five steps away. Trowa, support his other side."

I complied and soon brought Heero to rest on the bed. "There are pillows."

"Got them."

And then Heero was sitting up in my trailer, at long last.

"Hello-o!"

"Catherine!" Wufei even managed to sound surprised that she should stop by.

"I brought soup!" She stepped into the now crowded trailer, the heavy pot landing with a crash on the stove top. "Something nourishing and enough for now and later. Hi, Heero."

"Hi." He looked beat and smiled weakly at her. "Thanks for the food."

"You _think_," I muttered.

"Don't get up, ha, ha!" she giggled, slapping me on the shoulder, and accepting a brief hug from Wufei. "I know it's hot out and soup's not the most appetizing thing, so I'll drop by with cold fruit salad later."

"That sounds good," I told her. I didn't offer them refreshments or places to sit, or even polite conversation.

Wufei took the hint and led the way out of the caravan, taking my sister with him.

Heero massaged his "bad" arm and we settled onto our bunks for about a second when my cell buzzed. I was surprised I'd even left it on. Now that I had Heero near, anyone who needed to get in touch with me could just march over and find me in my trailer.

"Yeah?"

"Duo here. Is it that late? Sorry, ta bother ya."

"It's okay, Duo." _Not really_, but I had to say something and I wanted to let Heero know who was calling.

"Cool. So, how did the move go?"

"Okay."

"Great. Can I talk to 'Ro then?"

"I guess." I slumped mostly over the side. Heero was awake and staring. "Want to chat with Duo?"

"All right." He took the phone. "With the casts off I look… shriveled, pale, and hairy." He listened for a long while, and when I looked questioningly at him, he rolled his eyes, which cracked me up because I'd never seen him make that expression. He said a few monosyllabic words of encouragement, "Yeah," before barking out a sharp, "No!" that made me jump.

"I _do_ want to see you, but—"

I watched him frown at the phone. I could have told him that didn't get through to the other end.

"Shut up, okay? Just listen for a minute. I'm not avoiding you or Quatre and I'm certainly not being held captive here against my will. It's just that… I want to be better when you come. I want to walk."

He took another turn at improving the art of listening. I wondered if it was still Duo on the other end or if Winner was nagging him now. He'd thrown an arm over his eyes. He was tiring and I thought about taking the phone away.

"A couple weeks then. Two weeks and if I'm not walking I never will."

A few more seconds and he said goodbye, shut it off, and handed me his phone. "Put it where I can't reach it."

I shut it off, but now that I was standing I felt I should leave him alone to sleep, except I also wanted to molest him. In a good way.

"Alone at last," Heero said, sighing and closing his eyes. "C'mere."

Did not have to ask me twice. I lay in a groove with my back to the cabin wall and turned on my side to look at him. I was afraid to touch him, but at the same time I wanted to crush him to my chest.

"Don't worry about hurting me. I'm healed."

"Yeah." Oh, yeah. I slithered closer, close enough to feel the hard muscle under his clothes. He raised an arm and I crawled under and draped an arm of mine over his chest. It felt so good. We were completely dressed though. Naked would have been perfect.

In this raspy, low voice that sent a tremor through me; he asked, "Do you _like_ me?"

"Yeah." I really, really liked him. I didn't know how to tell him, what with the giant tongue ballooning in my mouth—mine.

"I like you, too."

That did it. I had no more restraint after an admission like that. My lips were on his, while he still held the "you, too" pout. My fingers twisted in his hair finding longer tendrils amongst the shorter, once-shorn-now-grown-out parts.

I felt a hand slide up and down my arm, finding a shoulder muscle to massage and I heard a moan that could have come from me. Then the hand smoothed my side, and I trembled.

"Hn," he grunted, followed by a chuckle, low and sexy as hell. "Your workouts have given you an amazing body."

I was thinking about workouts (sex) and bodies (his and mine). It was pretty obvious that he was thinking along those lines as well, because things started getting hot and heavy from that point on. I could tell he was excited and needy. So was I. We touched under our clothes, and when that became too restrictive, we worked them off. Mostly I did the work, but I don't even remember mine coming off. I'd seen him naked before, so I was prepared for that. And he wasn't shriveled, pasty white, or hairy, like he'd said. And his dick was getting hard. That was working just fine.

I could touch him and that sent us both to panting. The sounds he made pushed me further. I could tell he liked being caressed. No matter what I did, he loved it. I also liked the way he looked at me.

And then I went down on him, licking, sucking for all I was worth. I'd never done it before, but it wasn't hard to figure out. I'd made him hard. I was making him excited. I was bursting with feelings.

He came with a shout that sent jolts to my groin, pleasurable pain. I wasn't ready for my body's reaction to his touch. Such simple strokes.

"Fuck Heero!" The warning was smashed by a thundering roar, blissful, intense pleasure that force a gasp out of me. I pulled off his hand and rolled to the side.

"Oh...ng..." I may have said something more then I sighed. I looked into his eyes and blushed with embarrassment.

"Umm," he hummed, clearly satisfied with his achievement. He kissed me once then pushed me away. "Towels. Clean. Now."

Of course he was a clean freak. I did as ordered and curved back alongside him until he and held me and I dragged a blanket over us.

In spite of my overwhelming awe at what we'd done, I fell asleep in his arms.

(o)

"What is it?" Heero asked the next morning.

"Cath left the fruit salad by the door. It's bug soup."

He groaned. He hadn't even seen it.

The sun threatened to sear its way through the thin curtains and I knew it was early yet. It was going to be a hot day. I had to get to work and spend most of my time away from Heero. I knew it and dreaded telling him. He'd tell me he was fine and able to be left on his own and I'd know it wasn't true. How do you tell another guy it's all right to lean on you and then walk away?

"I gotta work."

"I know you do. Go then."

"But you—."

He cut me off with a glare as sharp and wounding as any real blade. "I can take care of myself, Trowa." His arm swept the air. "Kitchen, bathroom, bed—all a hop away."

"I know, but if—?"

"If I fall I get up or crawl. We have cells; I'll message you or Wufei if I get stuck."

"Fine. I can fix us breakfast, okay? I mean, I have to eat, too." We'd missed dinner. I felt my internal fortifications rearing lines of defenses to fend off his anger. And it was anger. Irritability and frustration and probably a whole lot more building inside that handsome head of his.

I watched his face change and the frown turn into a shy smile.

"Yes, you do. We burned up a lot of calories last night."

Lovemaking. Yes, we did. Just the mention of it made the blood heat my face. I chuckled, gulped, and turned away. Things had gone from zero to wow in just a day. I was unable to absorb it all. I wanted to go back to bed. I wanted Heero. A kiss. Anything. "I think there's eggs and bread for toast."

I must have cooked and eaten, because I wouldn't have washed dishes that were clean, but to tell the truth, I was distracted. My life could not get any better. Heero wanted me, my body, my mind… I'd toss in my soul, if he asked.

"Take it easy today, all right?"

He may have agreed, but with reservations. "I won't get better if I don't push myself."

"Don't push too hard, Heero. This is not the hospital where there's staff at the press of a button to pull you back together. I'm going to work out, practice my act, and be back in time to make us lunch. Can you wait for me to help you with your exercises?"

"We have soup and Mark should come, so don't worry about rushing back."

"But I want to."

I got another non-answer, so all I could do was hope my message got through that thick skull of his. One kiss and I left.

(0)

We didn't get back to exploring sex for a while. He slept a lot that first week back. He needed it. When he didn't rest properly, he weakened and things went down from there.

"Triton! Er… ah… Trowa!"

I remained firmly planted on the platform high above the safety net and even higher above the ground. I looked around for the voice and spied my caravan neighbor, Jed. "What's up?"

"Better get down… an' hurry!"

The edge in his voice told me it was urgent, so I climbed and slid to the ground and jogged to the tent opening. "What?"

"It's Heero! Something's wrong."

At that moment my cell buzzed. Heero.

I raced back to my place, still bare footed. I could hear swearing from as far away as the end of the camp. Breaking glassware next. Before my caravan got torn up further, I tore past the onlookers and ripped open the door. The mess! I slammed the door behind me and locked it.

"What the fucking hell?" I regretted saying anything. He looked so sad as he wiped at his eyes and turned away.

"Fuck this! You should have let me die!" he cried out.

I knew he didn't really mean it, but it still stung. "Sit. Let me see if you burned yourself."

"I didn't!" he snapped. "Just spilled everything! Go away! I'll clean it up."

"How about we do it together?" I suggested, holding my breath until he gave a quick nod in reply.

"I just thought I could do something… boil eggs… I'm worthless!"

"You can boil the eggs. Not these," I swiped at the mess of shells and goop lying broken on the floor. "There's more.

Heero banged the pot down and poured in more water from the teapot. His hands were shaking so bad, I clasped them between mine before he broke more eggs.

"Together," I said and cupping his hand in mine, we juggled the remaining half dozen into the pot. "So, what will we do with them?" It was a stupid question and I expected a huffy answer.

"Take them on a picnic," he said in a voice soft, his anger draining. "I'm tired of being cooped up inside. And all I could think of for a picnic were hard-boiled eggs."

"We can do that." _No matter what! _While wondering how I was going to get him to a nice spot to eat, I happened to see a wheelbarrow. I didn't think he'd go for being carted around in that, but it got me thinking about horses. There was a dressage club at high school; Relena Darlian its chairperson, so it was possible _Heron_ had ridden a horse before. "Think you ever rode a horse?"

He shook his head. "I don't know, but it's likely." Before I could ask why, he told me, "Zechs had a stable, so I might have ridden there. I remember things like flashbacks."

"Oh," I wasn't sure what to say to that news. "Well, if you want to try, the circus has dozens of horses from huge to miniature, all well-trained. After we finish making lunch, we could give one a stab? That way I can show you some nice places around here." _Without you walking far._

This time he wore a bemused smile. "Nice try."

"What do you mean?"

"Trowa, when I can walk to wherever the horses are kept, then we might consider riding."

Of course. Riding would take a lot of energy, too. Obviously, when I'd left Heero alone, He'd gone and tried to do too much, got angry at his weakness and started to break things. "Too much, too soon?"

"Yes, but I appreciate you thinking I could."

Instead, we had lunch on folding chairs outside the caravan and read over the stack of pamphlets he'd be given on his condition and how to recover.

"Yeah, see?" I pointed out a paragraph that applied to him. "- may be impulsive and unaware of his physical limitations and may try to climb out of bed or walk by himself when it is unsafe to do so. Agitation and restlessness may also lead to injury. A well-designed rehabilitation unit and well-trained staff can keep him safe, using little or no medication." I looked up. "Well, you haven't got that."

"I have you. And Mark comes by to help for another week. I need more patience."

"And exercise. I felt good getting back into shape for my performances. It can help you, too. It couldn't hurt you to join me for stretches."

"Maybe I'll be up to walking tomorrow."

I hoped he would. I had no one to substitute for my acts. I had to work.

"In the meantime," Heero folded his egg shells in a paper napkin, "I might as well learn something useful while I'm stuck inside." He closed his eyes and leaned back his head. "I think I'll learn to cook. Re-learn. I know I cooked at my home—I remember sporadic bits about doing that. I liked watching cooking shows in the hospital and with the internet I can look up recipes and instructions. My skills will come back and the instincts about what goes with what."

One step forward, two back today, but maybe the reverse tomorrow. "Okay," I said. "Something to hope for. Just give me a list of what you need and I'll get it."

**TBC**


	11. Chapter 11

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 11- **Leading off with a brief look into Heero's head

I was determined to regain my strength and my health so I could contribute to the circus community that helped me. I put my all into daily exercise and therapy sessions and my body rewarded me with steady improvement.

Most of my memories remained locked away. As time went on, I began to believe I would never have them back, that they were lost with the damaged brain tissue. One morning changed all that.

I'd cooked eggs and toast for breakfast. Trowa had eaten and dashed off to feed the animals, his early chores, leaving me to clean up. That hadn't taken long to do. I hated the long periods of idleness mandatory before beginning my exercises, but if I didn't rest, I'd tire and weaken and bring on awful headaches and depression.

I took to sitting in the open door with a cup of tea, surveying the activity passing by. It wasn't long before folks looked for me and stopped to say hello. Gerald the clown, Sybil and Simone the acrobats, Lenny the sword-swallower were just a few.

Lenny talked the most. He'd had a hard life and often said he wished he could forget it all. He'd quickly add "not your way, man" and we'd both laugh. Laughter sapped away the tragedy.

So, this one morning I was sipping my cooling tea, Lenny dropped a bundle of newspaper on the step.

"Reading material Wufei wanted you to see. And don't ask me what. He said you'd know."

I thanked him and started by scanning the front section of the paper. Relena's name caught my attention. Zechs and Relena both!

Relena had run away! Her older brother claimed she'd been unhappy with her move to another school and was fomenting the rumor had it that she'd run off with her youthful boyfriend, Heron Lowe, who was also at large.

That's when several things snapped into place for me. The article didn't say "rumor", but I knew it wasn't the truth and that Zechs would be the one to circulate such a thing and push the blame onto me. The other thing I was suddenly sure of was that Relena had run away. She'd done it before. I couldn't remember the city's name, but I was sure it would come to me eventually.

The brain injury sure taught me about patience. The harder I tried to think of something, the further away it went. Give it a rest, and what I was hunting for often floated to the surface. Like looking at the stars. If you stare directly, you miss things the brighter ones block out. If you look askance, things pop out that were previously blurred.

So, back to the news article. What was important was that this had triggered some return of my recent past memories. The problem was obvious. A report like that would arouse interest in my whereabouts. It wouldn't take a detective, one who was keen on getting his advancement, much time to piece together my accident at the school and the circus hospital incidents. Locating me wouldn't take much effort, and nothing would get Odin Lowe off my trail after that.

This was terrible. When had this occurred? That's when I noticed the article was weeks old! Fuck! The man could be hauling me off any day now!

But he hadn't. I seemed to have a calm voice in my head to tamp down the panic-stricken one, and it told me to check the other papers for a more recent update to the story.

And I found it, them. Heron had been spotted all over town and in Lexington. That was where Dorothy Catalonia lived! I _knew _that. I knew then that Relena must have gone to stay secretly with her internet friend. Another update contained an interview with Dorothy, who ranted quite a lot about her rights. It sounded like Relena had an opinionated friend. It made me smile to think of the kind of impassioned conversations she and Relena would have- had had. Dorothy admitted to have put us both up for a day or two and that we'd moved on, she knew not where.

But someone else did, and that read like planted information to me, probably because I knew it had to be. Trowa? Unlikely. Wufei? Yeah, he'd do that. I made a mental note to ask him later.

There was a trail of information leading all over the continent, and then beyond that. I had been seen in the L5 sector in the last page I read. There was enough detail to tell it had been written by someone who'd been there before. Well.

Now I knew one sure reason why Odin hadn't barreled into the circus, demanding me yet; he wasn't looking here. Wufei, I was pretty sure, had bought me time, healing time. I had peace of mind that come from knowing I was safe.

I'd be forever in his debt.

I thought of ways to repay him and decided there would come a time and I'd know what it was. In the meantime, I'd make the most of the time he'd given me. I'd get well. I'd get strong. I'd work off my debts, Trowa's debts, too.

Then we'd be free.

Before I tossed away the papers, another short article caught my attention. It was a picture of Treize Khushrenada grouped with others of the OZ leadership. The leading line read that the circus had agreed to a command performance at the end of summer after it had completed its tour of the kingdom and colonies.

Free. Who was really free? Dance for his honor! Perform on cue. I knew neither Wufei nor Trowa would want to do that show. I'd tell them and we could make a plan to join the air force or some other faction of the armed forces before that. It didn't matter so much what it was as long as it kept us away from the eyes of OZ. I felt deep in my bones the Odin Lowe and OZ were all wrapped up together and had been preparing to suck me into a grand scheme. I felt a great evil when I thought of Lowe.

After another day of practice walking, floor exercises, and silent screaming, I took my first true walk without assistance. I thought I'd surprise Trowa by showing up outside the tent where he practicing with knives.

I waited for him to finish tossing the neat row of throwing knives, and then stepped into his line of sight.

Instantly I had his complete attention.

"Progress," came in a whisper. He brushed a thumb lightly over my lower lip. "Don't go. I need a minute," he said and then was gone.

That simple gesture sent tingles all through me. I stood there, halfway in the tented room watching him until he disappeared under a flap which closed behind him.

When the tingles grew into the shakes, I found a hay bale to sit on. It was progress but it wasn't over. I had a ways to go.

"Hey, I got the rest of the morning off." Trowa motioned to me as he exited the canvas door. "If you can make it to the canteen, I need a drink."

"I can do that." I'd rested long enough and it was only a few yards walk.

"Pretty soon you can work out with me," Trowa said, a hand ready to lift me to my feet. I didn't need it.

"Not afraid I'll get too good and take over your job?" I joked.

His serious expression reformed into a bright smile. "No. If I'm going to become a pilot, I'll need a co-pilot as good as me."

"Soon," I said. I was glad he was looking ahead. Far ahead. But not too far. "The circus is performing for Khushrenada at the end of the season. In the paper."

Trowa shook his head. "I really ought to go to the weekly announcement meetings."

"You think Wufei's heard?"

"Probably. We should ask him. It affects us all."

"Yes, it does," I agreed.

For so long my health had limited my panorama to my bed in a room, constricting my ground plans to simply getting through a day at a time. As I grew stronger, my increased territory, my outlook expanded as well. Now I wanted a future.

The canteen was a general meeting place with food, an internet hub, and a scattering of laptops. Few circus personnel had access to computers any other way. They just cost too much. Trowa left me at a long table to go get a couple sodas and a basket of cheese fries. I turned on the laptop and connected.

By the time Trowa returned with our snacks, I had up our favorite site: Schematica, with specifications and diagrams for all the fighting machines out there. Not the newest. Those were to be assumed held secret.

"They have the Wing Ultra," he said, keeping his voice low in spite of his excitement. He was good at that. He'd make a good spy, I thought.

It was the best morning I'd had in…forever. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing. It was so great to be feeling whole and having more of me back in my head and to be walking!

I felt good and was gratified when my good feelings rubbed off onto Trowa. We must have looked silly grinning like idiots over a laptop. And in love with each other.

(o)

Seeing Heero smile made me smile back and my heart beat faster. "You're happy," I said.

"I am. You're here."

That made me feel about as good as I'd ever felt, that simply my presence could make a difference to him. I felt the heat rising to my face, and I think he saved me further embarrassment by not pointing it out.

"I remembered more today," he said.

"Yeah? Let me hear about you, then."

"What should I talk about?"

"You, of course." I jabbed his arm. "It might help fix your memories more, talking about them." And if he didn't want to remember them, he wouldn't have to tell me anything. His eyes tracked upwards and over my shoulder just moments before we were spotted by my sister and Wufei.

"Hi-o!" Catherine called out. "Come on over for dinner!"

Before I could get out of it, Wufei shouted, "Fried chicken from Mary! Did you forget?"

"Mary the ticket-taker and fat clown," I told Heero, not knowing he knew her nearly as well as I by now.

"I know," Heero said. "She makes the best fried chicken once a week and takes orders. It's not the first time we've done this."

"Right."

"Shall we go? Heero asked.

We avoided eating Catherine's cooking as often as possible. How Wufei could tolerate it… had to be love. Heero was teaching himself to cook for us. He was either gifted or remembering stuff from the past because he could make something good out of next to nothing. And that I say out of love, yes, but it was true as well.

"Yeah. Wufei would have ordered all the side dishes, too. It'll be fine."

And the food was a great treat for us. Heero ate twice as much as I'd ever seen him. The additional exercise was making a difference in his appetite and state of mind.

My sister seemed agitated, which meant she had things on her mind to tell me. I didn't particularly was to me a party to them, though. I had Heero. Let her whine to Wufei and lean on him for advice.

"So, I saw you working out today, Heero," Catherine said. "You look ready to take on a lion."

He looked wide-eyed alert for a moment, but his mouth was full, so I said, "I don't think she means wrestle one."

He gave her a neutral shrug. Not agreeing or disagreeing with her assessment of his condition.

"Not wrestle, no, but if you want to do more, lend a hand? Washing cages and feeding the animals would be a start."

"Cath!" I didn't want her making him feel like a lay-a-bout for taking it slow.

"It's all right," he told us. "I can start carrying more than my weight around here."

I glowered at my sister. "When he can ride a horse. That's my standard of measure. He's not to do too much or exceed his limits. It's easy to do. Now ease up on the man."

"Okay! Looks like you have a little more time off," she said. The nervous giggle set my teeth on edge. I knew there was more to come.

"I read something today." Heero went on to mention the article concerning the command performance.

Wufei set down his plastic fork, maybe to avoid stabbing someone. He looked angry. "Damned Ringmaster, letting them coerce him into that."

"It's just a show," Catherine said. "It's not worth having the circus pay the price, and one would be exacted for denying Khushrenada something he wants. And we get money for it. It's not so bad."

"It brings OZ into onto circus land, allows them inside, and gives them contact with the people who work there." Wufei frowned. I watched him take my sister's hand in his and look into her eyes. "There are many people here who have run away from dangerous situations and sought refuge in the circus. By inviting Oz here, the ringmaster is breaking a trust."

"I see. Well, I'll have a word with him—"

"Catherine, I'm sure the man is aware." Wufei rubbed his face, in a gesture of frustration. "What pressure OZ must have put on him? I just know many of the performers won't attend that show. Many will be compelled to go into hiding."

"Maybe things will change before then," my sister said hopefully.

We ate in silence a little while. I was coming up with a timetable for Heero and me going into pilot training. I'd just move things up a notch so we wouldn't run into anyone from OZ.

"While we're all here," Catherine cleared her throat. "There are a few things I'd like to ask you, Heero."

"Hn," he grunted, mouth full.

"Trowa said your memory is returning."

"Some." Heero stabbed a fry into some ketchup and crammed it into his mouth.

"So do you remember why you were up on the roof?" she just blurted out.

"That's not your business!" I said to stop her.

"_I_ think it is," she insisted. "I doubt you were 'jocking' it up, hopping rooftops for thrills."

I knew she'd read the note from Zechs. I stared her down hoping she'd get the message to lay off and not spoil the meal with bad memories.

"Cath-!" I kicked her foot. Hard.

But she ignored me, as she usually did. "I don't want to see you falling from the high wire—''

I watched as Wufei buried himself in his salad, figuratively. I was tempted to push his face into it for all the help he was giving me. I may have pushed a little.

"What the hell?!" he jumped up, spilling greens.

Between me stopping her from saying more and Wufei pushing me off, we made a mess of the table. It was Heero who barked orders to "sit down!" and "get your elbow out of the salad" and finally settle us all down.

Catherine started it up again. "It's just that I don't know much about how you got to be-"

"On the roof at school?" he finished for her. "It's all right, Trowa. I can handle this… talk about it now."

"Yeah, that." She seemed pleased and turned my way. "You should tell him about you, too. I mean, obviously, something, or _someone_, made you miserable enough to try and kill yourself, but Trowa's been depressed for years."

As much as I wanted to strangle her, when I saw Heero's face go all soft and warm, I melted and nodded slowly. "Not so much now that I've met you."

"Maybe you were more… lonely… than actually… lost?" Heero offered.

"Lonely, sure." Catherine couldn't just let it go at that. "He was lonely, but there was more to it. And it wasn't just the gay thing, so don't use that as an excuse. It started when he was young."

"It usually does." Heero enforced this with a hard look.

"As early as _I_ can remember." Catherine nudged my foot under the table. "Go on, tell him. He won't feel like he's the only one to suffer."

"All right!" I barked. "Give me a moment to think." I drank half my soda, cooling off and formulating what I wanted to say and how to put it. "I had this unknown_, invisible_ deficiency… and in order to deal with it I came up with a belief system that convinced me that I had to be—"

"- perfect." Heero said this with conviction.

"Yes, well, _close_ to perfect, and if not that then invisible so as not to be noticed."

"I know the feeling," Heero said. "Failure brought me… what I remember now … unwelcome attention at home. I felt I had to be perfect to prove my worth and value. Those memories are returning, too."

I felt bad for him and me. "Yeah, proving myself worthy, like that," I conceded. "We all are out there trying to impress someone, in my case the ringmaster here, and my sister. In yours… probably Lowe, right?"

"Yes. Being the star of the team, in a class, whatever, usually got him off my back. You did it for the accolades… performing?"

"Yeah, maybe." I had a caring sister, my circus family, a job, good health—so why hadn't that been enough? It just wasn't. I probably would have benefited by some medical help. Maybe I'd had some chemical imbalance? Maybe a traumatic event in my young life I couldn't remember? It didn't matter now. I no longer felt so bad; in fact, Heero had come into my life and made me feel useful, wanted, important.

Wufei smiled crookedly. "Needless to say, being human must have consistently impeded your ability to be flawless."

Heero chuckled at his joke.

"Yeah." I cracked a smile, too. He was such a great supporter.

"The irony of _my_ situation being," Heero went on in a similar vein to what I'd said, "that _I assume_ the injury to my brain will be a hindrance to my greatness in the future."

He was coming back. Heron was. I could hear some of Heron's jackass cockiness in there. I hoped there'd still be room for Heero in that damaged brain when Heron was fully aware. He was my Heero now, though, and I would hold onto him as long as I could. He reached for my hand and squeezed it. I felt his strength in that hard clasp. And I felt an emotional bond Heron and I never had.

I tried to carry the joke a little further. "At least you _have_ an excuse."

"So, what was this supposed deficiency _you_ thought you had?" Wufei asked me.

I met his intense look with one of my own. "The circus got me as a baby."

"They said his parents just abandoned him," Catherine clarified.

"Right, so, it was logical that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't sure, but being alone in the world and clearly rejected and unwanted by my parents had to be because of this defect."

"Catherine's not your sister?" Heero asked.

"In spirit only," she said smiling. "I'd been a founding, too, a few years older. My parents and little brother had perished in a fire. When I saw this little toddler, I instantly felt a bond and made us a family."

Okay, so I could never be mad at her for long. She had been and still was pretty great to me. She'd been when it really mattered.

"Do you remember your parents, Heero?" she asked.

"Oh. Well. I don't remember very far back, but if Lowe was my guardian, I might have been abandoned by my parents, too."

"It may have contributed to your problems," she said.

"You should ask Winner," I suggested. "He might know. He seems to have gathered facts about all his friends."

"I will," Heero said. "With as big a family as he has, you'd think keeping track of _them_ would be enough to keep his nose out of other people's business"

"You'd _think_," I agreed.

"I _said_ so. Anyway, go on. Tell me about your flaws." Heero leaned back and smiled.

"I don't like the freckles—" I came up with in a totally weak evasive maneuver. Maybe I wanted to talk about all this crap I'd been keeping inside for so long. Who knows?

"Trowa—" Wufei began, and I didn't want him getting riled and shouting at me.

"I felt bad about _everything_," I said raising my voice.

"You don't seem that way to me at all," Heero said in a quiet voice, pitching it low so only I could hear him. He touched my hair, cupped my jaw and looked deeply into my eyes. "You seem patient and positive."

"I do now. Since I sent all that time with you in the hospital, I've changed."

"It's only fair. You changed me, too. So now we belong together."

I wanted to melt into his arms. My body hummed.

"Oh, aren't they cute?" Catherine said, giggling.

I would have felt mortified at one time, but Heero was there and holding my hand, making me feel so… important and too good to be embarrassed about it.

"I find it interesting," Wufei said, ignoring us, "a highly developed, pervasive sense of shame comes with depression."

"Yeah," I said, remembering but unable to explain how that felt. "I had low self-esteem and a boat-load of insecurities."

"And I did nothing to help!" Catherine let out a sigh.

"You weren't much older than me," I said. "You did fine."

"When I arrived, I noticed your quietness, but didn't… pry. I should have," Wufei said. "It wasn't that I didn't care. I was pathetic."

"You had your own problems to deal with, and I wasn't letting you in on any of mine. We were all just kids." I took a moment to think back. I remembered pretty well how I'd come up with this weird belief system which created this image of myself… basically defective at the core of my being. "I'd been chucked off because I was defective. I believed that I could not trust anyone with my secrets."

"Or that you could be loved by anyone." Heero's statement hammered the proverbial nail on the head with that conclusion.

"That too," I confessed. "I set these crazy expectations for myself and then I could never quite figure out why I was unable to measure up."

"No wonder you felt alienated and isolated from others," Wufei said, his voice sounding a bit hoarse. "And to avoid being blamed, shamed—"

"-Or scape-goated—" I added. Yes, Wufei was on the right track, all right.

He smiled at me and bowed his head. "Yes, at school I can imagine how you'd try to measure up to those…irrational expectations.

"Me, too!" Heero said. "I understand completely. That's how I got caught up in…in…"

"Perfectionism." Wufei steepled his hands and dropped them the instant I grinned at him catching him in his nervous act.

"It's an endless cycle," I said, "trying to be perfect, but not being able to measure up, so I'd just keep feeling disappointed in myself—"

"-And depressed."

"Yeah."

"You'd been depressed, but having Heero to care for seems to have given you something selfless to do and drawn you out, something I couldn't do," Catherine said.

I'd drawn the same conclusion just a minute ago. We must be right.

"I hope now you see that perfection is a myth," Catherine said.

Wufei paused to stand. He had seemed to become more and more intrigued by the topic and now looked like he was about to deliver a prepared lecture. "While pursuing excellence, on the other hand," he spoke like one of the really smart kids at school; he must save been at the top of his class back in L5, "encourages creative expression and creative expression gives meaning to all life."

I guess that explained his drive to succeed, especially with his swordsmanship.

"Anyway," Heero said looking at Catherine. "I had a few of Trowa's problems and others of my own. I lost my drive to fight, I guess. I don't remember much that happened that day."

"Probably for the best," Wufei agreed.

And I didn't want Heero going down that dark path, so I used the opportunity of Wufei being so talkative, to get the questioning turned on him. "So, Wufei, you never really said why you'd run away from home."

He looked a little shocked that I'd asked. And then Catherine nudged him, "It will help."

"I don't know why anyone would care, but… all right. There was more than one reason, but… when I was eleven, I was engaged."

"Pretty young," I said. Heero gave a low whistle.

"It was an arranged marriage, as was customary for the high-born of my clan." His glare dared any of us to debate him, which we didn't. "My wife was mortally injured in the first bombing. I visited her in the hospital and I'll never forget— her head was wrapped and there were monitors everywhere keeping her alive."

Like when I'd first seen Heero. It had been Wufei who had gotten me through those first viewings. Now I understood why he seemed so familiar, and it hurt to think I'd never asked him for the story before. Would he have told me? Was it getting easier for him? I hoped so.

"I was thrilled when her eyes opened, but when she looked at me," the hitch in his voice upset me more than what he was saying. I could tell that he was reliving a terrible moment. "I could tell she didn't know who I was."

Catherine reached out to touch his arm. She looked as if she was suffering right along with him. And Wufei let her. He accepted her compassion, probably needed it. Why hadn't I ever been able to do that for him? I knew the answer to that. I'd been too caught up in my own head.

"We spoke, but her spark was gone. Her personality gone. It was as if she'd already died and another person had come back in her body."

"Oh, Wufei—" the Catherine said, tears welling in her eyes.

"She died in my arms an hour later." Wufei turned his dark look onto the woman he obviously loved a lot. "The pain has faded and been replaced with love."

It took a while for us to get our voices back. Great sadness kills conversation. Catherine served the desert of pudding cake and glasses of milk, soymilk. Pretty soon Heero spoke up. He thanked Wufei for his help misleading Lowe with press releases.

"My role was a small one," Wufei said. "I defer to your friend, Quatre Winner. He has some interesting and powerful connections, I'll tell you."

I felt that we'd need more of those connections soon. Odin Lowe didn't seem like the sort who'd be distracted by crazy news articles for long.

(o)

The trailer bunks were narrow in all dimensions, making sex an athletic, creative, event. I knew of a roomier accommodation that was likely to be private. I made it our goal for the ride. Our fourth horseback riding adventure. The first three were a gradual, but definite growth experience.

"- proof that once you learned to ride, you never forgot."

"That's about bikes," Heero had corrected me.

"It should work for anything," I said.

By the fourth attempt, he felt good and I felt good, so I set us a goal.

"Around the lake and back." I had a lunch packed and swim shorts and towels. We'd stop and rest and I had some other recreation planned and a secret place to do it.

We made it to the lake feeling giddy and completely unaware of the passage of time. We'd spent a long, long while doing a lot of necking and very little talking, and had stopped only when it had become obvious to both of us that within the next minute they had to either stop or mate. The spell broken, we were nervously hysterical with one another, laughing too much, touching one another gingerly, and trying to make believe that we were all calm inside.

We'd even gone swimming again for the cooling effect and were lying in the sinking sunlight to dry. When I mentioned a private hut a walkable distance away, Heero yanked me to my feet. "What are you waiting for?"

"You giving me a sign," I said.

He brushed a hand over his rising erection beneath his tight swimsuit. "If the sign were any bigger, they'd see it back at the circus."

I took a firmer hold of his hand. "This way."

"I know. I saw it," he chuckled, but went along with me anyway.

We picked our way through the shrubbery, the ground marshy and mud oozing beneath our bare toes, and came to the shed.

Then a voice said, "Trowa?"

I may have growled and we turned in unison toward the sound. I swallowed, choking, in surprise.

Heero burst out with, "Catherine! What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you. You left your phone at the horse stable and Carl saw you heading to the lake. It might have taken me longer, but I thought, where would Trowa take his boyfriend for some alone time?"

"Cath!" Now I was embarrassed.

"Your friends are at the gate asking to be admitted. I didn't know if you wanted to see them or not."

I was thinking not, but Heero's eyes lit up in a way that spoke "yes!", so back we rode.

**TBC**


	12. Chapter 12

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 12**

"You didn't answer your cell," Catherine chided me. "So the gate guard called _me _and I recognized the names of your two friends. They are rather unusual."

"Who are?" I asked.

"Not who, the names! They have unusual names- _Duo_ and _Quatre_?"

"Them?" What were they doing here? I wondered.

Something made her smile. "Do you know a Six and an Eight, too?"

Heero got it and chuckled, "No."

"Tro-wa! You forgot to renew their temporary passes," she said, giving me a slap. "You have to do that each week. Look who has the brain failure syndrome now!" She laughed and trotted off at right angles, leaving Heero and me to admit our friends at the gate.

Duo was holding a large sack. With his hands full he couldn't wave. Quatre, unimpeded by hand baggage, made up for his friend's impairment and jumped up and down while waving both arms and crying, "There they are!"

"Told you so," Duo said.

"But Heero's walking! I didn't expect… not so soon! He didn't say!"

"When he called, he said he was better. You know he's an ass keeping secrets."

From Duo's grin, I knew he meant us to have overheard him. I also knew Heero must have invited them. I raised an eyebrow asking Heero for confirmation and he gave it by way of a careless shrug. Duo was right; Heero could be an ass.

"I didn't think they'd turn up _today_," Heero said.

But they had arrived and bringing, Duo announced, "Refreshments! Donuts and coffee are nature's crank."

"You need winding up?" I thought Duo was like a compressed energy ball, ready to blow at any time. He ignored my remark.

"They're good, and I get a deal at Lorna Lee's," Duo said.

I assumed that was the donut shop.

"'That'll be two fifty,' Lorna said to me, and punched my receipt. Ten punched receipts, and I get a free doughnut." Duo smiled. "Not much is free."

Very true. "Frugal." I looked over at Heero, but he was talking to Quatre. All I could think about with any intensity was our aborted love tryst.

My heart was still pumping hard, my skin tingly, my… well, I'd been ready to do something.

"So, we came to see…Heero and a show. We need tickets?" Duo asked.

If you'd come to the island, you would have seen a real show, I thought. "No. Of course not. You're our guests." I impressed myself with my graciousness under duress.

We had a few hours to collect back at the caravan, give them to short tour, and grab dinner. I ate lightly. I'd eat more after my performance was over, but it wasn't just that. I knew I felt resentful. I didn't want to share Heero with his old friends, even though I knew they weren't a real threat. I was in love and sure of Heero's affection, but not so secure that I didn't wonder how long it would last. The more often he saw these old friends the more of his past he remembered. Their presence jogged his memory. I feared the day he remembered how forgettable I'd once been.

I was sipping water and listening to them talk about the past, a game they had played together, when Wufei joined us.

"Hello, Duo and Quatre. Come to see a performance?"

"Yes and Heero, and you and Trowa, of course!" said Quatre.

"It's almost time to get ready," he told me.

"I know."

"Course he does! He's not the one that screwed up his memory." Duo slapped my friend on the back. He was also studying Wufei's face.

"You can forget trying to get a smile out of him," I said. "He's very seriously focused before his act."

"Nonsense," Wufei said, cracking the barest smile. He stepped back, out of arm's reach and away from the close examination. "We really should go."

Duo and Quatre were gone by the time the show was over. Heero had seen them to the gate.

"They wanted me to tell you that your acts were great. They would have stayed, but I encouraged them to leave with the crowd to avoid drawing any more attention to their visit."

"Good idea. I hadn't thought of that. You think Odin's tracking them?"

"It's possible; _anything_ is possible. Quatre felt certain that they weren't followed. He has these… guards that watch out for him."

"His own personal army?" I asked.

"His father's, actually. You heard him talk about the Maguanacs before."

"Name's familiar."

"The Winners are very wealthy people and I guess there's some fear of Quatre being kidnapped, or something. The point is," Heero said, "although it's possible Odin's keeping track of my friends' whereabouts, it is unlikely. He must have better things to do."

I wondered about that. Locating his stepson just might be a high priority for the man. I didn't know Lowe, but I didn't like his relationship with Heron. Still, I didn't want to bring down Heero's mood with pointless worries. There wasn't anything I could do about it this night.

We went to bed and worked off a little excess energy left over from the aborted island romp. We were both physically spent, so it was nothing remarkable that we did. Just really hot. I sucked him half dressed, and nearly came when he moaned. Heero's mouth was like a furnace and he'd learned fast that I liked my balls touched. We were done in less than five minutes. The best five minutes _ever, _of course_._ After everything that had happened that day, five minutes was all I had to give, and then I was out like the proverbial light.

(o)

The next morning was Mark's, the rehab technician, last time to work out with Heero.

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't been here to watch you develop," he told Heero. "You are nearly fully functional."

"I do not have my strength back 100 percent," Heero said, "but I am satisfied with the progress I have made."

"And the headaches?"

"Fewer and tolerable."

"Anger management?"

Heero looked to me for confirmation. "He's no worse than me," I said. We both blew up from time to time.

"Your coordination is outstanding," the worker said. "It's quite possible that your memories will continue to return as your neural pathways continue to repair."

"I no longer care about those," Heero said. "I have what I need and I only want to look forward now."

Mark shook my hand and Heero's. "That's a great attitude to have. My work is done then. I just need you both to sign off on the order. Of course, should you ever have any questions or need anything, give me a call."

"Thanks," Heero said. "Consider it a good sign if you don't hear from us."

"I will. Goodbye."

"You're amazing," I told him. "Your doctors, Mark, they all think so."

"How about you?" he asked. Oh, he was begging for attention and approval. His old jock self never got tired of being applauded on the field. Heero wasn't him anymore, but now and then, Heron surfaced.

"Oh, you're all right, I guess."

"Just all right?" He body slammed me onto the bed. "Just?"

I was ready to go down. Let him take me there and then. I loved his power over me. My eyes shut. "Show me," I whispered.

And if Wufei hadn't come just then, pounding on the door, to remind me that the lions were roaring for their breakfast, that I had work to do, I might have forgotten I had any other duties than the one to Heero.

(o)

Duo and Quatre visited every week. It seemed to make Heero happy, so I didn't want to tell them not to, but I was concerned about their setting a pattern that might trigger Lowe's attention onto us.

"We _are _careful," Quatre told us. "We are vigilant. We aren't being followed."

Duo added his own brand of clarity. "Our arrivals and departures are executed as clandestinely as _overt operations_." He seemed to take special joy in telling me this.

He and Quatre went to the trouble of driving in separate vehicles and took different, often intricate, routes to get to the circus grounds. They changed clothes en route, hiding telltale hair, and Quatre often drove a different car or borrowed SUV each time. Once they came by motorcycle.

Duo drove with a windblown Quatre on back. "Totally cool."

On the occasion of their forth visit, Wufei joined us to share in the takeout fried chicken.

"I got it!" Duo shouted, jumping to his feet.

"Damn it, Duo, you made me drop my fork. Sit down!" Wufei snapped back.

Duo didn't. "Heero's memories aren't the only ones returning."

"Oh?" Heero seemed amused by that. I don't know why. Duo always made Heero laugh.

Duo wheeled about, pointing a finger at Wufei. "It just came to me in a bad dream. You gotta remember me. Think! Dark, cold, rocky floor-"

Wufei's face drained of color.

"What is it?!" Quatre spoke up. He'd been quiet all evening, possibly because he had a premonition of something dire. If so, he didn't appear to know what the details were. He looked genuinely surprised.

"Jail," Wufei whispered.

"Right! We were crammed into that stinking cell together."

I stared at Wufei as if seeing him for the first time. "You never told me."

"I was going to, soon. Catherine knows, has known for some time." Wufei rubbed his face and sighed. "I was an activist who'd escaped L5, before it was attacked."

"So was I!" Duo exclaimed. "Only I was fighting for L2 at the time, or trying to."

"But you were so young!" Quatre cried out. He knew Duo's history, he said, but the tragedy of lost youth seemed to break his heart. I thought he was a little over the top sensitive, even though I agreed.

"Yes." Wufei wiped the grease off his fingers. "I'm still on the run. OZ destroyed my homeland and I came to the circus to hide."

Quatre touched his shoulder. "Then you are on our side."

"On the side of the colonies? I suppose," Wufei said.

"You escaped being used as a child-spy, being forced into a loveless child marriage!" Quatre cried out.

"A marriage to anneal two clans and increase my family's power. It was considered an honor. I ran away from that and joined the circus."

"You were too young for that kind of responsibility," Quatre said. "The elders shouldn't have pushed so hard. I know something of that myself. If I had been you, I would have done the same."

"Being forced to marry some girl? Yeah, that woulda done me in, for sure," Duo added.

"You don't understand!" Wufei shouted. "I was weak. I could have stayed and fought."

"You probably would have died in the attack." I think he knew that deep down.

"I would have died with honor."

Heero snorted. "Dead is dead. It hurts, too."

"If you are on the run, maybe you shouldn't be staying in one place for so long, and making plans to marry?" Duo said.

I did not want Wufei to feel he had that guilt to bear, so I stopped that line of thinking. "Shut the fuck up. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Well, then why don't you illuminate us?" Duo retorted.

"We… the circus is like a safe haven. There are lots of runaways of all kinds. The governments leave them alone. No one goes hunting for them; in fact, they seem happy to have them out of their hair."

"Someday they might. Someday they might look on them as a threat," Duo argued.

"I don't know how they could. We have our own rules. We're an independent nation, kinda."

"That's actually true," Quatre put in to quell the argument. "The circus is autonomous like a sovereign nation."

"In any case," Wufei returned to his story. "The circus has been a good place to hide. No one expected me to go there. When the war had hit my homeland, I lost everyone I'd ever known. I watched members of my clan die."

"And you got captured at some point," Duo said.

"I did. That was early on. I was used to pass messages out of L5. I wasn't very good at fighting or running at first."

"But you got out when the prison was attacked, right?"

"Very fortuitous, yes," Wufei said. "I knew I'd fled certain family obligations, including an arranged marriage. With my clan wiped out I couldn't make that up to them anymore, but what I could do is honor of the fallen by fighting in the war for what's left of L5, the other clans."

"I hear ya, man," Duo said. "None of us wanted the obligations bestowed upon us, but sometimes they catch up to you. Is that what you want to do? Fight again? A little vengeance, or a lot?"

Wufei nodded.

"I think we all are passionate about making a difference and want to do something very grand and exciting," Quatre said.

Zeal and enthusiasm had motivated Duo and Wufei to run off and join the war effort at a very young age; it impassioned Quatre to make rebellious plans with his army of Maguanacs; and it had inspired Heero and me to want to become fighter pilots.

Talk of war and our future took over more and more of our conversations. But what Duo had said got me to thinking about the limits of the circus' power. What if Sanc put its armies on our border and demanded we expel their spies and agents? We had no army. We had just us. And we weren't ready.

(o)

Heero and I had met with the ringmaster, who acted as the mayor of the circus community. There was a hierarchy in governing body acting for all the circuses, zoos, carnival shows, and places with rides and shows and events all over, and our mayor was in the upper echelons of power. Honestly, I knew practically nothing about the politics of the organization, but having a spokesman with clout was important, I discovered.

Heero, we were told, had been officially accepted into the circus community. The ringmaster handed over an official ID card with his name "Heero Yuy" and his address, same as mine. Now he could travel freely throughout the known universe, rent a car, buy airline tickets, anything. He had a home and a name.

Heero was very grateful. We thanked the man and he shook both our hands, even though I had nothing to do with it, and then reminded me that he'd be delivering the nuptials when my sister set the date.

Oh, yeah, that. One more thing I'd be a part of.

"That's them." Heero put away his cell.

Quatre and Duo were waiting for us just inside the gate for their weekly visit. Duo held up a large grease-stained bag. "I got goodies!"

"Hi, Duo." I had a hard time not liking the guy, even though he monopolized Heero a lot when he visited.

"You and me got stuff to do."

"We do?" I wondered what Duo had in mind.

Quatre warned me that he wanted to speak to Heero alone. "I don't want you to think I'm doing anything to undermine what you and he have. I think it's wonderful. He seems remarkably happy. It's just—"

"Just what?

"He's changed and I just want to be sure this is what he wants."

"You don't think he can be honest if I'm around?"

"I don't know," Quatre admitted. "I honestly don't know this Heero Yuy like I knew Heron."

"Just remember, I love him. I'll always protect him."

"Falling in love despite the limiting parameters, including change? That's admirable, really, Trowa. I think you are a fine person, but think about it from my standpoint: who is it you love? The athlete from before or the patient dependent on you or the new resulting person with a mind and will of his own?"

"I never knew Heron. Heero is who I have now." I stared hard making sure he knew I was serious and being as open as possible. "I can't stop you."

He touched my arm and smiled. "You could have just then. We won't be long and Duo's been wanting to tour the big cats again."

I introduced Duo to the animals I worked with. He loved the tigers because they had "awesome stripes". He didn't pretend; he really did adore the cats and spoke to them in hushed tones. I don't know what he said, but they kept their cat eyes on him.

After that it was time for me to get changed for my act. I dropped him off where Heero and Quatre were waiting.

Heero smiled at me and touched my hand, mouthing, "Love you." That really helped me keep my head straight during the performance. He wasn't running away to Quatre's house or anything.

After my I had finished work for the night, Heero met me just outside the dressing area. "Let's talk before we join the others."

"All right." I felt a tingle of anxiety, and then Heero told me about the questioning and his answers.

"_I told Trowa I'd be talking to you. Asking you things," Quatre began._

"_What do you want to know?"_

"_This may sound stupid, but it's not-"_

_Duo cut in, "Are you being held captive by the circus?"_

_Without hesitation, Heero replied, "No." _

_Quatre related his observations. "At first Trowa had to do all the communication for you."_

"_Now, I do it all. I can speak again and re-learned how to express myself. I had to learn patience, not expect perfection in myself, while I re-learned how to move, to walk."_

"_And during that time you had to trust Trowa to care for you, so you leaned on him, relied on him."_

"_He saw me at my weakest, my worst."_

"_And you fell in love," Duo capped it off._

"_We did. Daily exercise and therapy has made me… whole again. They got me my identification card. If I wanted to, I know I could leave."_

"_You could," Quatre agreed. "And if you needed a place to go, you could always find a home with me."_

"_Us," Duo corrected. "Hey, I'm at your place all the time."_

"_Thank you for the offer, Quatre. And someday I hope to visit you. But for now, as long as Odin's out there searching, I will stay here. I'm happy here. It's where I want to be."_

"You mean that." I didn't pose it as a question to Heero. It seemed more a statement of truth.

He tipped his head. I tilted mine just so. Our lips met, matching up perfectly, as if we'd practiced this move a lot. We had, of course. It wasn't a kiss of passion exactly, but it was a bond. Emotions rushed through me: hope, happiness, nameless wonder.

"I love you," I told him.

"You're getting sappy," he told me, but his eyes spoke of love and promises.

"You'll appreciate that tonight."

"Oh, yeah," he growled, and I felt the rumble of it deep inside my chest.

He called Quatre and told them to see themselves out. I broke out in a sweat when he looked me over and said, "Yeah. Now."

We just made it to our caravan with our clothes intact. I stripped off my own shirt while he opened the door. The door slammed shut and shoes, socks, jeans, shorts, shirts all scattered about in about a split second explosion of activity.

I had him pushed against the stove while I sucked his length. He moaned and forced my face into his groin. I smelled his sex, his heat, his mustiness. In less time than it took to get undressed, I felt a rush of heat and my mouth filled. I choked and coughed, wondering if I'd ever overcome that damned gag reflex, and then I was being dragged over to the bed, left unmade from our morning romp.

Heero mumbled something. I didn't try to understand it or make him repeat. He had me on my knees; I propped up onto my elbows to breathe. I let his hands do the guiding. Strong fingers kneaded my ass, my thighs. He prepared me with Crisco sitting out on a shelf of the open cabinet. Oh, yeah, out of lube. That must have been what he said.

His recovery time was about as remarkable as his stamina these days. He was fully erect when he pushed into me. Didn't matter. I was loose and hot for him. When I felt his hand grip me, I must have screamed. I heard a scream and it wasn't his voice. He was repeating, "yeah,ugh, yeah,ugh," which each slam of his hips.

"Fuck, yeah!" I would have collapsed with that release but his arms held me, one to my chest, the other clamping onto my hip.

He drove into me hard and then I felt his weight on my back, humping, liquid dripping down my thighs. "Jesus!"

He pulled out and turned me around, face up. "God, you bottom so hot," he murmured, then covered my mouth with his and kissed my brains out.

I woke up an hour later, the sheets and us a sticky, sweaty mess. I would not get a good sleep after that, I knew. I'd be itchy and restless. The tiny shower unit in the caravan wouldn't allow for us both to clean up at the same time, plus I wanted to air out the place, so I made him get up and help me put on the last of the clean sheets and dress enough to make our way to the shower building. It was late and we had it all to ourselves, but we didn't fool around, just got clean and dried off and marched back.

Heero had no complaints during this process. He'd gotten his way before; he was satisfied with that. And the bed was far more comfortable clean.

"Love you," he said as he flopped face down on the bed.

"Now who's the sap?" I replied. I pushed his leg to make more room for me.

He was asleep and missed the joke.

"Love you, too," I told him anyway, because I felt like it, and it was true.

(o)

The weeks that followed were the best ones in my whole life. Quatre's talk with Heero seemed to clear the air for all of us, so when they visited the atmosphere was relaxed. Wufei joined us when he could get away, but Catherine didn't. I blamed it on her prejudice against non-circus folk. Wufei said it was nothing more than her letting us boys do our thing.

And our thing had become a formulating a plan. "You don't need to wait and apply to the air force and go through years of schooling," Quatre told us. "The Maguanacs will give you on-the-job training immediately."

"How do you know this?" Heero asked.

"You know they are in the employ of my father."

"As his personal guard."

"That's just a front for the army they have in the L4 colony. They have been preparing for Khushrenada's takeover of the colonies for years." Quatre turned to Heero. "That data you had of Odin Lowe's on the memory stick?"

"I remember that."

"It was old and outdated, but Rashid told me it proved just how large the arm buildup was in the eastern territories."

"That's near L5," Wufei said.

"And colony L1," Quatre said. "Both could be the first to go under attack."

"Rashid thinks Khushrenada is going to try and take over the colonies?" I asked.

"The Maguanacs are sure of it, Trowa. And before the year is out!"

"Then we can't wait for some four year program to get us ready," Heero said.

"No," I said regretfully. I had actually looked forward to entering the pilot training and having four years with Heero, having him in my classes, learning to fly.

Duo was gung-ho to go the route his boyfriend suggested. "I've had enough of sitting on my ass in a roomful of obnoxious dudes. Done with schoolrooms."

Quatre laid out the plan and a timetable, so I could prepare us for leaving the circus. I'd never left the grounds, except to go to high school or to town, never to leave it with no set time to return.

There was Heero to get in shape. Physically, Heero was back to normal, nearly, he said, but he wasn't to be in tip-top condition. We worked out on the acrobatic equipment together and he looked strong and coordinated. He helped out on the ropes, moving platforms, and setting up or tearing down sets for the acts. He'd come so far, battled back from the brink of death; everyone admired and liked him, I think. If they didn't, they kept it to themselves.

And there was Wufei and Catherine's wedding. I wasn't going to miss that. Surprisingly, to me, it was easy for Wufei to get her to agree to having it soon. It wasn't going to be a big affair and the circus would take care of many of the details once the date was pinned down.

"I know what you are planning," Catherine said. She had buttonholed me while I was changing into my costume.

"You do?"

"Don't play dumb either, little brother. Wufei talks to me even if you don't. Him and his talk of Maguanacs… maniacs, I say!

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh." She slapped the back of my head. "You make plans to run away… to join in the revolution and don't tell me!"

"I didn't want you to—"

"GET UPSET! No way to avoid that!"

"I meant I didn't want you to try to talk me out of it."

"You're an idiot. All of you. But," and she sniffled a little, "I'm also very proud of you."

Of course, I had Wufei to thank for breaking the news to her and for paving the way for her acceptance. She knew it meant he would also leave her, but his idea was to follow us later, to give them a little time of bliss together.

They had two weeks.

(o :… The Wedding of Wufei and Catherine, as told by Trowa…: o)

The ringmaster took charge of the proceedings under the Big Top. No surprise there. He even gave away the bride. I was best man. Even the clowns dressed up.

Wufei had invited Duo and Quatre, who were the only non-circus folk there. Everyone else was so dressed up I hardly recognized them, but everyone knew Catherine so everyone attended the exchanging of vows; at least, it seemed that way to me.

Folks stood and watched and behind them folding tables circled the tent laden with food and drink, which, again, everyone had had a hand in. I had made supply runs in the truck and Heero had made cookies, tasty ones with lavender glaze. The women were wearing a lot of that color. Even Wufei had on a vest the same shade as the ribbon in my sister's hair, and her flowers.

It went by fast, nothing fancy, but my sister beamed happiness. My friend couldn't stop smiling. Once a rare thing, now Wufei smiled and smiled.

"So how does it feel to have your best friend part of the family?" Dewy the clown asked me.

Immediately I looked to Heero. He was more than my best friend. He felt like family.

"He means Wufei," Heero leaned in to say.

Of course he did! "It's okay. Nothing really different." I didn't feel it was.

What I noticed when it was over, was that my sister was wearing a big-ass ring which had to have cost a mint. And Wufei didn't own a mint. That I knew of.

"Congratulations," I told her and gave her a hug. Next came her new husband. The hug I gave him lasted somewhat longer. "That ring. Where did you get that?" I whispered into his ear.

He tried pulling away, but I had a hold on his arm he couldn't break. I could swing from a flying trapeze, carrying my weight and one or two other acrobats, so there was no getting away once I had a good grip.

So, he tried denial next. "I don't know what you are talking about. Now, let me go."

"No. The ring. Did you steal it?" I spoke a little louder.

"How dare you?" he hissed, and I squeezed harder and saw him wince. "All right. Stop that! It's my clan ring. Proof of identity."

That actually stumped me. "Why give that to her?"

"If something… bad… happens to me, she can return that to L5 and… claim my inheritance."

"You're a renegade." He'd told me and our other friends that.

"I am, but I was also the eldest son of the clan leader of L5, and the last. Now, if you'll let me go we can start the party."

I muttered an apology that he brushed away. My friend and brother was a prince of L5. I hadn't put it together before.

**TBC**


	13. Chapter 13

**Shadow Man**

**Chapter 13**

Duo and Quatre had joined Heero and me around a campfire. We were dodging the smoke and talking about fighters and guns, as usual, when Wufei jogged up. He had agreed to attend the ringmaster's meetings and keep us informed as to the change in plans for the circus.

"You won't believe what was just announced."

"What happened?" I asked him.

Quatre scooted over to make room for him to sit. "Want to burn a hotdog?"

"Burn? Oh, yes. Thank you."

It had been Duo's brilliant idea to have the cook out. Problem was, none of us were particularly good at campouts. My hot dog was black on the outside and cold on the inside. So was everyone else's, but we ate them.

While Wufei balanced his stick with hotdog over the hot coals, he told us his news. "Apparently, no one was happy about doing a command performance for OZ. Many vowed to run rather than work. The Ringmaster didn't want to lose so many performers, so he met with an OZ representative to cancel."

"Bet that didn't go over well," I muttered.

"No it did not. Volschad, the OZ man's name was, threatened to close down the circus and take back the land conceded to it."

"They can't do that!" Quatre cried out. "The circus has rights!"

I'd thought it had, too, but what did I know?

Wufei's expression was mostly lost in dark shadows, but his voice was taut with anger. "OZ attacked L5, what was left of it, again. I don't think they even have a governing body left to fight the takeover. _That_ is what OZ thinks of the colonies' rights. The circus certainly hasn't any firmer agreement than them."

We expressed outrage at the injustice both to Wufei's homeland and to the circus, treating both equally even thought, of course, they weren't. Just the way passions flow. "Why doesn't the Sanc Kingdom do something to protect the circus?" Quatre wondered aloud.

"I think the Sanc government, such as it is, is about to capitulate all power to OZ," Wufei intoned.

The outlook all looked bleak. I asked, "So what are we to do?"

"We? The ringmaster has been given a new command performance date to accept."

"And we won't like it," I guessed.

"Next week."

"What the fuck?!"

"We have to close to the public. Tonight's performance was our last here in Sanc, with the exception of this special one for OZ dignitaries and troops."

"Fuck, 'Fei!" So fast? Suddenly, everything was falling apart. The world around me changing faster than I could keep up with!

"You'll lose all the money from those shows?!" Quatre realized.

"The ringmaster says we'll try to cram a few back into the schedule afterwards, so as not to lose that revenue."

"Afterwards?" I was shouting. "We go on the _colony_ tour after that. We need at least a week to get ready-!" My mind was spinning with everything that would have to be done. "And what about us?" Heero and me? Our plans?

Wufei cut me off. "—Forget having week. We will only have _two days_ after the command performance to prepare for our colony tour."

"That's fucking impossible! We can't get animals ready for a trip of that scope in two days!"

Wufei's shrug said it all. There was no choice. No choice. "The performers are enraged, of course, but the show must go on. Where else will they get work for the summer? Avoiding an Oz confrontation and cutting out on the last show of the year was one thing, but now… it's at the _start_ of the season. The show either goes on or the circus folds. And I can tell you the fear of being found out is evenly balanced by the fear of being without jobs or futures."

We stewed over that news for a few minutes, until Duo broke the quiet. "So you guys thinking of cutting your losses and signing up for the military then?"

It would pretty much mean we would be trading our debt to the circus for the equivalent in service to the military of the Sanc Kingdom.

"It might be too late for Sanc," Wufei said.

The queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach made me want to puke. I agreed with him. It was too late to begin a four year pilot training program. Quatre's cell buzzed. He checked the number and excused himself to take the call.

"What if Lowe's a part of this and shows up? I couldn't risk being seen." Heero looked to me. "I suppose I could hide? What about you, Wufei? What's your risk factor of being recognized?"

My friend and brother-in-law looked into the distance and shrugged. "Not good. Winner's returning."

"Quat, what'sup?" Duo asked.

I knew something was wrong by the frightfully pale face and wide-eyed expression of shock.

"Hey! What's wrong? " Duo had an arm around his boyfriend and pulled him into the light.

"That was Rashid…" he paused to gulp air past a tightening throat. "He…he… said he discovered a tracking device on two of the cars." He was fighting back tears at this point. "I'd driven one of them here this week!"

"Not your fault." Duo looked askance; his hands shaking. "Shit! We oughta check the one we brought today. We came together this time. My truck's brakes aren't good."

Wufei was up and on the run shouting over his shoulder, "Where're you parked?"

Duo caught up to him. "Here."

Heero stared down Quatre. "How could you have not thought to look!"

"I-I…!"

Afraid Quat might start weeping; I grabbed both of them by the shoulders and pushed. "Help search for a hidden device." Yeah, I was mad at him for letting something that get by him, endangering Heero, but I'd learned from my work with animals at the circus not to let something you'd already done distract you from what you are about to do. I had to stop thinking about OZ coming here, the circus folding, my life in chaos…

Wufei rolled under the car's front, Duo the back. When we joined them, they were scrabbling from wheel to wheel. Quatre opened one door and Heero one in back and started a frantic pat down of the interior. I looked over the grill vent.

"Got it!" Wufei cried. "Right wheel well." He held up the evil device for us to see.

"Heero should get to stomp it to death," Quatre proposed.

"No." Wufei scanned the nearby cars.

Duo deemed to know what he was looking for and scrambled in between the next row. "This here one's from L3!"

Wufei spun about and made for where Duo was standing. We all scuttled like roaches on garbage over to where they were. Wufei dipped down and pawed about the wheel, and then stood up.

Duo dusted his hands, grimy from crawling on the ground before. "That's that then."

"But why-?" I started to ask.

"If we destroyed the tracking device," Wufei explained," Lowe might think we found it and would know we were on to him. This way, he's got a long way to chase after this late model sedan."

"The circus travels to L3 next," I reminded him. "If he's looking there?"

"Then we won't be found." Wufei turned to Quatre. "Our timetable just got a new end date, I think."

"What do you mean?" Heero asked.

"We are not waiting for Lowe to find you, for OZ to discover me or Duo. We aren't traveling on to L3. We leave tonight. If Maguanacs are taking recruits, let's hope they can do that quickly," Wufei said. "Our circus days are rapidly coming to an end, cousin."

I brushed away moisture forming in my eyes. I never cried. Heero nudged me. "We'll be together."

How I loved him then! I regained all my courage from a touch from his hand, stroking my hair. "Yeah. Okay, Wufei. I get it. How do we do this?"

"Rashid and his corps are a phone call away," Quatre said, tapping his pocket.

"Give him a call. Give him the facts and see what he says."

We made our way back to my caravan; Wufei stopped at his to talk with his wife. Duo and Quatre stood shoulder to shoulder speaking to each other too low for me to hear what they were saying. Heero and I looked around the place filled with Heero's stuff and my few things. What to take? What to leave? I was having trouble concentrating on any one activity. Pack? Use the bathroom? One last roll on the bed with Heero?

Heero came out of the tiny bathroom. "Next?"

"Might as well." I went in after him. It was better than standing around waiting. I finished up and came out, drying my hands.

Heero leaned close and kiss my cheek. "All right?"

"Great Just great," I muttered moodily.

Wufei and Catherine were outside with Duo and Quatre. "We'll look like the vanguard leaving the circus before the OZ performance, if we go at once," Wufei said. "Any word back from your corps?"

Quatre waved him to silence. He had his cell glued to his ear, listening to ongoing conversations, waiting for instructions and then, "They are on their way. Maguanacs. They'll land in a field near a lake. We're to meet them there."

"I know where that is." Wufei glanced at me.

"Yeah," I said.

Catherine and I embraced, she whispering good luck and words of hope and good luck. "Oh, sweetie!"

"Clothes in a book bag, shoes!" Wufei barked out orders like a field commander. He certainly sounded like he knew the drill. "A knife. Hurry! Duo, show them! I've got to pack one more thing, then I'll be back."

Catherine looked torn between us. "Go keep him company," I told her. "He really needs you more, you know."

She forced a smile and mouthed," thanks", and ran out to their caravan.

Heero wrapped his laptop in a heavy shirt and placed it on top of a second pair of shoes at the bottom of his bag. I dug out my bag, dumped the trash from the last time I'd used it onto the bed and rummaged for clean socks. I'd had it with me that last day at school. I'd saved Heero. A shadow man falling to his death. Nearly.

"Power cord," Heero was telling me something. "You won't need any. I got this and I can recharge your cell from my laptop. Bring your gun."

He knew I had one. I had several and a rifle from the time I'd put down the dying lioness. I loaded two hand guns, handed one over to Heero, stuffed the other in my bag, and then started loading ammo to the bag.

"Underwear and socks," Duo recommended. "You'll thank me later. 'Ro? I got your binocs back at Quat's."

"Keep them."

"Thanks!"

Duo tossed jackets to Heero and me. "Make them fit. Water and food, we got back at the compound."

"Oh!" Quatre cried at his phone. "What?! Oh! He's here! Lowe!"

The OZ troops were knocking at the gates, too.

"Move out!" shouted Duo, and we all tumbled out of my caravan, the door slamming behind us.

I gave my sister one more hug and the keys to my caravan. "I'll be back as soon as possible."

"Keep him safe for me?" she asked. I knew she meant her new husband.

"Yeah. We'll watch out for one another," I promised.

Wufei and I ran out in front, leading the others to the only place open enough for a helicopter to land. I remembered picking up rocks and clearing the nearby meadow with Wufei for the circus Big Top. That had been only a couple months ago? I remembered feeling refreshed from being out of the hospital, where I'd sat by Heero day in and out. Back when I had only hope to go on that Heero would recover. And now?

Heero caught up to me. He was in great shape. He looked like he could kick _ass_ with the best of us. He grinned, encouraging me to keep pace with him.

Suddenly, Wufei was shouting over his shoulder and pointing in the direction of the main gate to the circus community development. I could make out troops piling out of open trucks. "OZ?" Or were those Sanc Kingdom troops? Couldn't tell.

"Those men are probably just here to check out the preparations for the show," Wufei told us. It was more than just conjecture, I assumed, he'd learned more about what was planned than he'd had a chance to tell us.

Quatre was talking into his cell and squinting up into the sky, while Duo conducted him by the elbow. "I see your running lights!"

We continued treading carefully across the field. In the distance, we heard the sound of heavy trucks tires on gravel, boots scraping the ground.

"We should hear the helicopters landing nearer the lake," Quatre shouted. "Rashid's here with everyone. He says the roadway's jammed with military vehicles."

"OZ or Sanc?" Wufei asked first.

"Both! Coming from different directions."

"The ringmaster must have called the palace for support—" Wufei was saying.

A brilliant flash of light cutting off his words, followed by a concussive force.

The explosion blew us off our feet. I rolled, tumbling over rocks and dry grass, bracing the impact with my hands and arms. Rocks and dirt rained down upon me.

"Heero!' I shouted, looking for him. I found him a few feet away, climbing to his feet. "Heero!"

"Oh, God!" He stood holding his head as if he had to keep it from shattering. He was gasping for breath after that first outcry. "Memories," he said in an exhale. "Oh, God…"

"Breathe!" I wound my arms around him, shielding him from the view. I wasn't sure if he was afraid a blow to his head would make him lose memories or if some were returning. There wasn't time to ask.

Gun shots. I couldn't tell where the firing was coming from until there was another explosion. This one was further away from us.

"That's from the circus!" Wufei shouted. "Some clown's using the show explosives to try and scare off the OZ troops, I think."

"He's coming for me!" Heero screamed.

"Who—" I began, but I knew he meant Lowe.

"Are those coming this way?" Quatre asked.

I tore my eyes away from Heero and tracked where everyone else was gawking, riveted to the scene unfolding only a half a mile or so away. An armored vehicle and two jeeps veered away from the fracas. The headlights bobbed up and down as they bumped along the field.

"They're after us!" Duo shouted. "Duck and spread out. Don't go in a straight line!"

I heard the retort of a rifle. Bullets peppered the ground to the left of us. Quatre, closest to the spot under attack, coughed as clouds of dust rose around him.

"Jesus Christ!" Duo shouted. "Haul ass!"

Heero stood staring at the oncoming danger, frozen to his spot. "Odin… is coming for me."

"That's not going to happen," I promised. Heero was freaking out on me. I had to distract him. "Look over that way into the dark. See the lights?"

"Lights?" He turned slightly and I gently pushed him around.

"Maguanacs landing over there. And look overhead!" We could hear the percussive noise of rotor blades fru-wap-wap-waping as a helicopter passed over us. "Help's on the way, but we gotta fucking not be targets out here."

With his eyes focused on the dim lights, he seemed to come out of his trance state. "Where?"

"Stay with me," I told him. "Stay low. The field dips pretty soon and they won't see us for a minute or so."

I couldn't see the others up ahead, so they must have reached the low part. Wufei knew the lay of the land and would lead them at an angle taking advantage of the topography.

I nearly tripped over Duo in the dark. "Hey! It's me!" he blurted out.

Quatre had fallen and was testing a tender ankle while Duo bent over him. "Go on. 'Fei told me which way he was going. We'll catch up."

Heero hesitated to leave them.

"If we get separated, meet up at the training camp… at Winner's compound," Duo shouted. Duo was supporting Quatre, but they all appeared okay, no bloody parts, just roughed up. "Rashid won't leave Quat behind, you know. Go!"

Instead, Heero swept Quatre off his feet and started running with him in his arms. Duo muttered something about "hot-dogging it" and then grabbed Quatre's pack. We took off after Heero.

A dark figure lurched out of the shadows from behind a darker, bushier lump I didn't recall being in the field. I immediately thought "Wufei" but then my brain factored in the shape's bulk and ruled it out. Not in time.

"Walk forward. Alone!" intoned a deep voice I didn't recognize. I hoped it was that Rashid character Quatre had been telling us about. It was not.

"Put him down, Heron, Heero, whatever you're calling yourself these days. Do it now!"

Three strikes and I'd be out.

"Odin." Heero's voice had an awful sounding haunted sound. "Odin." The hitch in it nearly made me want to cry.

"I can stand, Heero. Put me down. Do as he says," Quatre said.

Duo had disappeared. He'd dropped and crawled off somewhere already. I couldn't see or hear him. Wufei was also missing in action. I wondered if my brother-in-law was lying in a heap someplace, knocked out by Lowe.

"Slowly. I want to see both hands at all times. Slow… that's right."

Lowe, how had he gotten here ahead of us? How had he known we'd be escaping this way?

Like an automaton, Heero obeyed. I didn't know whether he was in shock or Lowe had him under some kind of mind control. I watched as Heero moved with aching deliberateness, following directions.

I knew I was close to losing it myself and tried to focus back onto ways to get us out of this mess. What could I use as a weapon? _Why had I stowed everything in my backpack?!_ That last bit of grief I was giving myself wasn't helping. Thoughts like that hijacked a person's attention when you needed it most. Self-flagellation was the Grim Reaper of energy, too.

"Now, step away from your friends. This way. Keep it slow. Hands out at your sides where I can see them!"

A rock! Two good sized ones lay at my feet. If only I could get ahold of them I could slam the fucker in the face, brain him. I was an excellent aim, even in the dark; blindfolded I could hit him, if I didn't get a hole blown through me first.

Our escape was just a few hundred feet away. It might as well have been ten miles. We were pinned by Lowe. He had a huge gun aimed at Heero's head and an even larger automatic weapon in his other hand and across his arm targeting me and Quatre.

A shimmer of movement caught my attention. Several hundred feet in the direction of the lake, the dark vehicle waited, its rotor turning very slowly, almost without noise. If I strained I could make out the thrumming bass of the engine. I saw figures, possibly two or three, silhouetted against the lights coming from the helicopter. Were those more of Lowe's people? OZ? Sanc military? Maguanacs? I hoped that it might even be Wufei and Duo having made it to safety.

I thought I saw a weapon, something long and thin, a part of the flickering distant image.

"I want you to walk back the way you came. There's a car waiting. When you get there, get in. I'll join you after I take care of your thieving friends."

Divide and conquer! I couldn't let him separate us. If I was going to die, it would be defending Heero. I looked again for my rocks and imagined how I was going to move, the time to reach, aim, and throw one then the other. I'd be shot, but if I got the man in the head, Heero might get free.

Quatre made a sound. I risked a glance his way. When Heero had set him down, he'd collapsed to the ground. Now, he caught my eyes and nodded once. In his hands were rocks big as the ones I wanted. I had to guess that the moment I made my move, he'd try and cover me. And then he flicked a wrist.

A rock hit what sounded like a tin can several feet away in the dark. Lowe's eyes slid to the side to assess the threat, and I grabbed my rocks. In the next instant, I propelled one then the other at the man's head. Several more pelted his shoulders. Those must have come from Quatre.

From my squatting position, I lurched at Heero, colliding with his legs and sending him tumbling to the ground. All around us, gunfire flew past. I rolled over Heero and covered him expecting any second to feel the pain of a bullet sear my flesh.

None did. I guessed I'd done something right this time. "Okay?" I whispered into his ear.

He pushed up. "Yeah."

Quatre was on his feet, wobbly, waving into the dark. "Over here!"

I heard footfalls heading our way and vehicles grinding over the duty field gaining ground.

"Gottcha!" Duo had a hold of one of Heero's arms and had a hand out to me.

"I'm fine."

We were scrambling as fast as possible in the dark, when Wufei and a big man met up with us.

"Rashid! Help Heero!" Quatre cried out.

"Are you hit? Hurt?" Wufei asked rapidly closing the distance and offering to carry a backpack.

"I'm fine," I repeated. "Got it."

Heero mumbled something like, "Hn." I think he was tired of being considered an invalid. He shook off Wufei and joined Rashid, hunched over Lowe.

"Dead."

"Who's shot?" I asked. Both he and Wufei had been carrying firearms.

"The one to his temple, mine. The chest wound, Mr. Chang's."

"Leave him," Heero said. "I just wanted to look at his face."

"Recognize him?" I asked.

"Yes. I remember everything."

Everything? My hopes sank like the titanic, big hopes, even bigger cold death. Lights flashed a semaphore in lightening script. It had come from direction of the makeshift helipad.

"Your transport awaits," Rashid told us.

There in the dusty, scary night, with the enemy barreling toward us, Heero kissed me. "Love you," he whispered. "You gave me this chance to have a life."

"Hey, guys?" Duo shouted. He and Wufei must already have helped Quatre to the waiting helicopter, because I didn't see them. "We're not safe yet."

"Just a short distance more, gentlemen," Rashid said. "My men will get you seated." He blasted a couple shots in the air. He had us covered.

We slung our packs over our backs and jogged the rest of the way, leaving behind us the siren-infested putting down of protests in the direction of the circus.

A noise joined the noise of the night. The helicopter's engine, speeding up. Dust flew from the rotors, the noise, deafening. Men I didn't know took the packs and urged us into the first helicopter.

Wufei stood outside. He met me with an embrace. "This is where we part, my friend, my brother."

"You're not joining us?"

His eyes reflected lights in the distance. "I will. I don't need the same training as you, and I have a circus to protect."

I understood. He'd helped Heero and me get to this point, probably as a promise to my sister. "Thanks. But you can't go back alone!"

"Rashid's lent me five men. They are waiting. See?"

In the darkness completely opposite the main entrance where all the excitement had been, lights flashed. It hadn't been my imagination; there was a transport over at the circus-only gate signaling us, Rashid.

"I called in passes so the Maguanacs could enter the grounds legally and provide support to the Sanc troops."

I did feel better knowing the circus had protection. "You are doing the honorable thing." It was the right thing to say. His face lit with joy.

Rashid jogged over. "The Sanc militia stopped the convoy. We still should takeoff while we have clearance." He and Wufei exchanged silent communication.

"I must go," Wufei said. "Take care." He shook Heero's hand and smiled. "When we meet again we can talk. I was considering forming a new peace-keeping organization. Call it Preventers. You might be interested?"

"Already am," I told him.

We watched him disappear into the darkness then climbed aboard the waiting craft. Quatre, and Duo made room for us. We located seatbelts and secured ourselves.

"Have you ever flown before?" Quatre shouted.

"No." Heero shook his head.

"Then this will be the fun part."

I felt a hand smooth over my leg and locate my hand. I squeezed and smiled a little. I'd kept my promise. Lowe hadn't gotten his hands on Heero, not that I had taken the man out. That the dead-eye shot had come from Rashid and Wufei's guns.

"Thanks," I said it to cover everyone.

"You don't have to try and do it all anymore," Heero said. "We have good friends to lend a hand."

Heero turned his head and smiled over at them. He was no longer a shadow man or an invalid. He was his own man and my lover who'd be at my side for as long as I could make possible. We had friends and purpose. The future was ours to fight for.

The outer door slammed shut. Rashid appeared, sat next to the pilot, and strapped himself in. Take-off would be any minute. Heero pressed our clasped hands between our legs. He wasn't letting me go anywhere or fall out or something, I guessed.

I felt gravity fighting my insides as we bobbed in the air a moment. We lifted off terra firma. "There."

The helicopter sent air pouring down, buffeting the ground so that grass ripped free and could be seen blowing away.

"Pretty fucking awesome, right?" Duo crowed.

I hadn't known how noisy our ride would be. I just nodded. Heero gave a thumbs up sign.

Quatre patted his arm, "Shh…" and listened to his cell again. "I'll tell them," he yelled into the mouthpiece.

"News? What's going on down there? Circus okay?" Both Heero and I asked, overlapping.

"That was from the Maguanacs on the ground. They are reporting that the Sanc militia has deterred the OZ troops from entering the sovereign land of the circus."

"But that's just tonight." I knew it couldn't be that easy.

"That's right. The fight's just beginning, but the circus is not under attack anymore."

"Now that I'm gone," Heero said.

Duo sighed. "For the time being."

Quatre was back on his phone. "I'll tell them," he said after a moment. "Wufei has safely joined up with them. He wanted us to know."

Heero straightened in his seat as the helicopter swayed, picking up speed. "Sanc needs our help to push OZ off its borders."

"Well, then we should say some words to observe this great moment," Quatre announced.

"Now?" Heero looked down and out the small window. When the copter tipped to the side we had a decent view of the smoke and troops milling around in the dark. The circus was all lit up.

"Yes, before we take off into the wild blue yonder and begin our new adventure."

"That was part of the Air Forces song," Wufei said. "You know how it goes: _Off we go into the wild blue yonder, climbing high into the sun_." He stopped and frowned. "I refuse to sing it."

Heero and Quatre were smiling and Duo snickering.

Quatre said, "It will be nice to go somewhere far away and exciting because it's new."

"Oh, oh! Remember that quote," Duo shouted out over the roar of the rotors overhead.

"Which one?" Quatre asked.

"That space one, you know."

"To Infinity and beyond?" I offered up.

"Wasn't that Buzz Lightyear who always said that?" Heero asked. He looked a little sheepish , maybe because of the stunned look on Wufei's face. "I must have watched Toy Story five times when I was in the hospital. At least twice with Trowa."

"Geez, guys…I'm being serious here and all. Um… the line I'm thinking of goes: 'space isn't far at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight up.'"

Quatre grinned. "Oh, that's very good. That was from the English astronomer, Fred Hoyle, Duo."

"Oh, yeah, that was the dude in denial of the Big Bang theory ."

"Yes, that one."

"Okay well, let's go thatta way. 'Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning!'"

"That was from Peter Pan." Heero smiled. "I watched a _lot_ of movies."

"Whoever… whatever, just so we get there fast."

**The End.**


End file.
